What Will it Take?

For a month’s worth of posts, I (Scott) am critiquing my own past blog posts. I’m viewing this as an experiment in being willing to admit when I’m wrong, change my mind, and to do so publicly.

In retrospect, I can see how I instinctively, subconsciously, choose fights with Brittany as a way to regain a sense of control in my life as I encounter powerlessness.  I do this because my grief, which is un-addressed and unresolved, needs an outlet.  And so I instinctively choose to push someone else down which, in turn, allows me feel comfortable again (or more comfortable anyway) because I have control over something (even if it's something small).  

Do you see the problem?  I hope so.  

I have now made it much more difficult for us to bind together in our grief, process together, and increase our intimacy because I'm settling for a false sense of comfort and control by dealing with my grief only accidentally.  

Scott’s 2021 revisit of this post:

As I said yesterday, I don’t think it’s much help to try to figure out our subconscious. Instead, I asked you to consider what you would like to stop doing (or maybe we could also say start doing) in your life, today, right now. 

Here’s an additional question- what would it take in order to make that change? Do you need to workout? How often? Do you (like me) need more alone time? How much? Do you need a hobby? What would you like to do (or what would you like to get back to)? Do you need more connection? Who could you reach out to?

Doing Things Differently

For a month’s worth of posts, I (Scott) am critiquing my own past blog posts. I’m viewing this as an experiment in being willing to admit when I’m wrong, change my mind, and to do so publicly.

Our subconscious is powerful and cunning.  I do not consciously choose to start fights with Brittany in order to release tension from my suppressed grief.  I do this naturally.  The body instinctively takes what it needs in order to maintain something akin to homeostasis (as close as it can get in difficult circumstances anyway).  

I do not consciously choose to go after her over cleaning either.  Only in retrospect am I able to discern why that area of our life is such an easy target for my practice rounds.  

I also do not consciously view this argument as an attempt to regain control in the face of powerlessness.  Yet, this is exactly what it is.  I know this because I know this:  this particular area is one in which it is easy for me to feel superior.  In reality, I am not superior in any way.  I have my own chores that I ignore for long periods of time or, when I'm not ignoring them, cut corners on, or address them half-heartedly, etc.  In this particular fight I am convinced that, regardless of what Brittany says, I will end up on the moral high ground.  

You see what I'm describing?

Control.  

Scott’s 2021 thoughts on this post:

You should be sensing a theme. I no longer put much stock in the subconscious. Things happen beneath the surface we’re not consciously aware of, of course, but I don’t know that we gain that much by trying to figure them out…because…how do we know if we’re right? 

Instead- I suggest paying attention to things you want to do differently. I wanted to stop blaming my wife for things she didn’t do. In order to do that, I needed to de-stress, in order to do that, I needed some more alone time, and I needed some more hobbies. I could have accomplished all of that without raking myself over the coals for things my mind was doing that I wasn’t aware of.

So- what would you like to do differently?