Careful Self-Appraisal…

I failed at self-compassion but my mentors did not. They simply kept mirroring it to me until finally I believed them. They gave me gifts and said kind things to me. They backed up their feedback with data. They did not tolerate my false humility or other tricks to play small.

Here is another thing I have learned. Healing hurts. It really hurts. Our old ways of thinking, feeling and behaving no longer fit our new, changing, growing selves. There are growth pains associated and change is hard.

But here's what's harder: living life completely stressed out, inauthentically and without joy.

The strength that grows from willingness to change does not mean that everything turns out peachy and success is assured. In fact, I continue to fail regularly with great enthusiasm. The difference for me is that success and failure are not longer gauges that determine my sense of well-being.

When we are free of the sting that comes from this false notion that somehow success is required to have a good life, we are actually more prone to improve our lives. Here's how it's working for me.

Suppose I receive feedback that indicates that I did not succeed. Instead of beating myself up, and because, frankly, I don't really care that much about success anymore, I ask: "Is there more I can be doing?"

Sometimes the answer is, "I've done all I can do." This is often the answer. I accept it and move on. Other times the answer is, "I could do a little more." And then I decide if I PREFER to do so. Maybe I decide I do not prefer to do a little more because I really am not invested enough in a different outcome to put in the extra effort.

This is a constant exercise in self-reappraisal. Doing our best may not be that great, but if it is our best, it's all we've got and we are less stressed out if we accept that. I will never be a piano player in public. My playing would scare small children. But I do love practicing and it is beneficial for me. I do not consider it a waste of time because my goal is not to succeed at it.

So now, let's think about what your goals are. Consider a careful self-reappraisal. Are you wasting energy trying to be successful in areas where "good enough" is all that is necessary? Can you squeeze in more rest as you loosen the chains of achievement?

Say No to Self-Sabotage!

Self-sabotage is real. It definitely increases our stress levels. No one deliberately chooses to sabotage their life, but we do it! Here are some ways people commonly shoot themselves in the foot and then refuse medical treatment. Here are two common ones.

Self-criticism. Look we need to see ourselves honestly, but the world is going to criticize us enough - we do not need to pile on! Obviously we criticize ourselves when we fail, but women seem to be especially skilled at criticizing their own success. A consultant once gave me a compliment...and I was irritated! I waxed on about my gratitude for opportunities given, and my appreciation for working within the confines of a team. His response? "This team only cares about you insofar as you step in during a crisis." Years later, I believed him. Do NOT diminish yourself. There is a whole world that is gladly doing that for you.

Perfectionism. My friends like to tease me about my typos and such. I used to try to fix the typos so as to avoid the comments. Not anymore. Today I realize that a few typos sprinkled in with decent productivity is an acceptable "good enough." If we sweat the small stuff, we may never get to the part of life when we live LARGE and get meaningful stuff done.

Which one of these do you struggle with, or are you a super-achiever and struggle with both?

The Relief of Failure

Perhaps you remember Winston Churchill's quote about failing over and

over with great enthusiasm. This is a mighty fancy reframe of failure that is actually helpful for closing the stress cycle. Once I acknowledged that I was a failure at the very work I had poured myself into for over 20 years, I felt a certain relief, and freedom. My body sighed. Finally. Sounds painful? Yes, it was and IS painful. But not stressful. The stress was when I kept trying to ignore the fact that I am a failure. And trust me, when someone I have known for decades calls me lazy because as a pastor I did not create a parking lot and then host church there during a pandemic - I failed. I failed to communicate what it means to be a Christian and maybe even a pastor for those decades prior to the pandemic. I failed.

During the US Open of 2021 Novak Djokovic was going for a true Grand Slam - winning four Grand Slams in a year and this one was the final jewel he needed to complete his march to victory. During the middle and at the conclusion of the cameras caught him crying. He was not losing after the first set, or the second, he was in the match AND he cried. When he lost, he cried more. Understanding as we do about the stress cycle, Djokovic was closing his cycle with his tears. He described it as a feeling of relief that the pressure was over. I'm sure he was disappointed, but mainly, according to him, he was just relieved. The pressure to succeed was far more stressful than the effort it took him to win, and lose, matches.

I understand. That's how I feel as a failed pastor. It's a relief. I am continuing to fail with great enthusiasm as a pastor. I'm also pursuing a new way of serving that I am excited to try. I could not have taken this course of action so long as I could not admit to my own failings. I have redefined failure for myself as I have stumbled across the surprising benefits of reframing failure as an opportunity. It still hurts; it is still painful; but it is not a waste of suffering. On a teeny tiny scale, like Djokovic, I am relieved that I tried as hard as I could, failed, and can now freely re-evaluate my life choices.

Ok, this is hard. Do it anyway. What's not working for you? Where are you failing? If you need to tell someone, write or call or come over to my house and play pickleball while you unburden yourself by telling me your failings - I am here and ready to listen. I promise. I know you are not lazy.

Anticipate the Positives

"Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up."

Thomas A. Edison

For people like me, we do not ever think much about success. We expect things to go wrong; we anticipate failure. This is certainly a good trait to have when you find yourself going up a curvy, two-lane mountain road in Colorado with a huge trailer in front of you dropping large pipes. Walls of rock are on one side, a cliff on the other and cars headed down while the cars behind the truck are bobbing and weaving, trying to miss the pipes without hitting a rock wall, an oncoming car, or taking a nosedive over the cliff. True story. It happened to me and I was cool as a cucumber. I've been telling Pete for years to watch out for this car or that truck. The poor man has had to anticipate so many dangers that never occurred, that we were lucky he was not driving that snowy afternoon on a mountain pass. He would have never believed me! Anticipating problems can be a good thing - if there are real problems. But I can get so focused on what might happen that I forget to articulate the positives that are accomplished each and every day. This is not inspiring. People like me need to do better at expressing good news!

Could this be you too? How can we get better at this?

A Family, A Team, A Group...

"Try not to become a person of success, but rather try to become a person of value."

Albert Einstein

Every family, team, group or office needs someone to care about quality control. Although Winston Churchill defines success as maintaining enthusiasm through one failure after another, influencers who care enough to ask for quality results give their teams a prayer of succeeding. These folks are logical, can be clear and direct, model responsibility ALWAYS, and lead with integrity.

I have several influencers in my life who continue to inspire me with their attention to doing the next right thing, even when it is hard.

Could this be you? Can you think of others in your life who have this capacity and inspire you?