What Have You Survived?

I am a sucker for a good song. So when the lyrics to Kelly Clarkson's song, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" pour out of my speakers, I sing along. I love that song. But sadly, it is not true. What doesn't kill you, doesn't kill you. That's all we can say about that.

However, if we survive, we have a chance to rise again. What makes us stronger is not surviving, it is learning how to recover from a near death experience. Riding the adrenalin of survival is like a roller coaster with no end in sight and inevitable motion sickness.

Give this some thought and consider - what have you survived?

Making Room…

When we are under too much stress, our body is not built for self-reflection. It has four things on its mind: fight, flee, freeze or fawn. But the body does know how to not only survive but thrive. It's been taking in data for our lifetime and it remembers everything and knows us well. When I devoted myself to my practices at a ninja level in order to avoid a hospitalization, my body had the time to speak to me and I was desperate enough to listen. It told me the truth.

During the pandemic all I could do was think about how I could do more, better, to make up for all that we could not accomplish and provide in lockdown. We found new ways to meet relentless needs. We took advantage of pockets of time and took workshops and classes to strengthen our serve potential. We had to figure out technology. We had to decide how to manage risks while meeting needs. What I did not do was take the time to ask any questions; I just redoubled my efforts. My little engine kept saying, "Try harder." And I did!

But a wonderful thing happened while getting my hair cut. I heard someone call me lazy. It was a breakthrough. Because I had support, I was able to finally say the truth to myself, "That is not true." I am many things, lazy is not one of them. This caused a cascading effect of self-realization. I thought to myself, "If that is not true, what else is not true that I am believing?"

The experience has been amazing. The truth is, I am actually strong. I am courageous. I am a human who can give and receive. I do not have to be perfect, fulfill other people's expectations, or make anyone happy.

So yes, I have quit. I have given up on being pleasing or inspiring or effecting change in a world that desperately needs it. This has left plenty of room for new ways of thinking, feeling, and doing that I do hope will be helpful, but mainly, I know I will enjoy my life and love what I do.

What Does Thriving Look Like for You?

I've offered a few suggestions that researchers tell us is helpful when it comes to completing the stress cycle. We give our body what it needs and allow it to respond as needed. Many of these suggestions I have practiced and continue to practice. Most of the time they work; sometimes they were not quite enough.

Here's a suggestion as to how to tell the difference. For people who are aware of their body and its responses, just know. They experience a shift in mood or a relaxation of a physical tension. They feel relaxed.

For me, I had let so much stress accumulate inside me that although I could feel a bit better, I could not resolve my internal stress. I am also not particularly aware of my body and even when I am aware of my anxiety, I assume it is part of my identity and there was nothing that could be done about it except to power through. There came a point when I knew that my little engine COULD NOT keep going. I turned to trusted others for more intense support. (For the record, anxiety is NOT part of my identity!)

These experts in not only surviving but thriving taught me that incremental healing was still making progress. I began to celebrate the small victories and stay mindful of my need to close my stress cycle. This sounds like it took a conversation and a daily fifteen minute practice. It did not. This took years to figure out - over a year of serious work, built upon a foundation of years of other work. It took years for me to come to grips with what my stressors were without making excuses for them and doubling down on trying harder. Today, I notice stressors, I pay attention to how I survive them AND I understand that I need to intentionally find ways to close the cycle by letting my body know that I am not just surviving. This is not some 20 second endorsement, this is the by-product of years of work with small, incremental progress...until one day, I felt the shift. This shift is in my body, but as I said, it was a long time coming.

I repeat: this is not a simple fix. Next, I had to figure out what thriving meant to me. Just me. No one else got a vote. This was the hardest and best part of my Humpty Dumpty self being put back together again.

What about you? What would thriving look like for you?

Safety From Stressors

Stressors, whether external or internal, are the things in our life that activate a stress response in our body because our body interprets them as threats. After two hurricanes collectively wiped out over 30 trees in our yard, causing a lot of expensive damage both times, Pete and I view trees as stressors when the wind blows or storms arise. We don't choose this. We read The Giving Tree to our children! We understand that trees are lovely things that provide shade, love one another, and help oxygenate our environment. We KNOW this but our bodies KNOW other things - like how scary it is to hear them crashing around us in the middle of a dark night with no light source to help us see what's happening.

Stress is what happens in our bodies when we encounter one of these threats. It's part of our survival system. Epinephrine takes charge and sends blood rushing to our muscles in case we have to fight or flee. Glucocorticoids provide us energy to persevere. Our muscles tense, our sensitivity to pain diminishes, our body becomes fully alert; we focus on the threat and forego all distractions. We forget that we are mammals but fortunately our body remembers. We have a body that helps us fight for survival.

The only way to complete this stress cycle is to fall victim to the stressor or survive. But this cycle is only completed if the conclusion makes sense. Here is an important key piece of information: we must do something that informs our body that the threat has been removed. We need a signal that indicates we are safe.

Do you have any chronic stressors that you cope with but have not found a way to find safety from?

Cheer With Your Friends

In a dog-eat-dog world, everyone fights for the table scraps. This is not a new thing; this is not an example of American capitalism run amok. It is actually quite ancient, a deep commitment by the inner reaches of our brain to keep us safe and. help the species survive. Our longest running skill sets stem from our competitive need to survive and compete for resources.

This instinct translates inappropriately (not at all beneficially) to all sorts of ways we categorize and complete with an us versus them mentality. We compete in every area of our lives instinctively. You are either a Cowboys fan or a Washington fan. You cheer for UVA or Tech - no exceptions allowed.

Jesus said something different, if I might paraphrase. He said, if you're friend loves the Cowboys, cheer with your friend. If you friend loves UVA, cheer with your friend. And vice versa. When the Cowboys play Washington, or UVA plays Tech, maybe do not tempt yourself by watching the game together. But whoever loses? Text your friend at the end and say, "Nice game." (We make these concessions because we are human and everyone has their limits.). Man, we struggle to do this, right?! How the HECK are we ever going to reconcile this both/and kind of vision Jesus had when it comes to dealing with political and religious differences if it is almost impossible to do so in the sports arena?

Well, I'd like to suggest that we practice suffering. Not because we need to be punished or make a wrong right, but because suffering, it seems, will be necessary if we are going to run this place the way God wants us to. Now, this is not easy. There are not many examples for us to follow. But there is Jesus.

Tomorrow we will talk more about Jesus as a good man and not so good a god (again, this is a Barbara Brown Taylor thought). For now, what if you were willing to apply the above example in your daily life? I'd love to know what that experience is like for you if you dare try it!