What Does Thriving Look Like for You?

I've offered a few suggestions that researchers tell us is helpful when it comes to completing the stress cycle. We give our body what it needs and allow it to respond as needed. Many of these suggestions I have practiced and continue to practice. Most of the time they work; sometimes they were not quite enough.

Here's a suggestion as to how to tell the difference. For people who are aware of their body and its responses, just know. They experience a shift in mood or a relaxation of a physical tension. They feel relaxed.

For me, I had let so much stress accumulate inside me that although I could feel a bit better, I could not resolve my internal stress. I am also not particularly aware of my body and even when I am aware of my anxiety, I assume it is part of my identity and there was nothing that could be done about it except to power through. There came a point when I knew that my little engine COULD NOT keep going. I turned to trusted others for more intense support. (For the record, anxiety is NOT part of my identity!)

These experts in not only surviving but thriving taught me that incremental healing was still making progress. I began to celebrate the small victories and stay mindful of my need to close my stress cycle. This sounds like it took a conversation and a daily fifteen minute practice. It did not. This took years to figure out - over a year of serious work, built upon a foundation of years of other work. It took years for me to come to grips with what my stressors were without making excuses for them and doubling down on trying harder. Today, I notice stressors, I pay attention to how I survive them AND I understand that I need to intentionally find ways to close the cycle by letting my body know that I am not just surviving. This is not some 20 second endorsement, this is the by-product of years of work with small, incremental progress...until one day, I felt the shift. This shift is in my body, but as I said, it was a long time coming.

I repeat: this is not a simple fix. Next, I had to figure out what thriving meant to me. Just me. No one else got a vote. This was the hardest and best part of my Humpty Dumpty self being put back together again.

What about you? What would thriving look like for you?

What Helps?

For a month’s worth of posts, I (Scott) am critiquing my own past blog posts. I’m viewing this as an experiment in being willing to admit when I’m wrong, change my mind, and to do so publicly.

Yesterday I wrote about the different strategies Brittany and I use to avoid coping with grief.  These false strategies have led to a number of perfectly avoidable conflicts this year.  We have fought over an ungodly amount of pointless stuff!

When I walk around in active suppression of my grief then my body carries more tension than it has the capacity to hold.  When we don't confront unpleasant things then we do not (and cannot) release the tension that comes with emotional turmoil.  That tension must come out.  

So I pick a fight over the cleanliness of the house.  Why?  Because it's such an easy target and I know it.  Brittany works from home now and has agreed to take on more of the cleaning burden as a result.  This means that, when I'm living unconsciously, I have a built-in excuse to go after her.  The house is never immaculate because nobody's house is immaculate.  So, I can always find something to be upset about if and when I need a release for all the tension I'm carrying.  

I will tie this back to control tomorrow.  

My perspective on this in 2021:

I don’t really know if all of this subconscious stuff I’m describing was happening or not- what is clear to me, looking back, is I needed to find more ways relieve some of the stress I was carrying- related to grief, work, marriage, school, etc. I needed more things I could look forward to in life. I subsequently found photography- that has been a big outlet for me. Brittany and I found more ways to get me some alone time so I could recharge my batteries- that has been huge.

What things actually help you de-stress? Read that closely- I’m not asking: what things do you think will help you de-stress (but they never actually help). I’m asking what actually helps? These are often different things.

Are You Living Like the Person You Want to Be?

For a month’s worth of posts, I (Scott) am critiquing my own past blog posts. I’m viewing this as an experiment in being willing to admit when I’m wrong, change my mind, and to do so publicly.

Accidental releases of tension provide a few minutes of relief, but they never satisfy us in the long run.

Our unconscious, external reaction to inner turmoil represents an accidental release of tension.  When we aren't aware of what lies beneath the surface, and when what lies beneath the surface is deeply uncomfortable, we need some release from our discomfort.  All too often that release takes the form of an unhealthy (and unhelpful) outburst over something totally unrelated to the inner turmoil beneath the surface.  

Yesterday we gave the example of fighting over the cleanliness of the house when dealing with the grief of loss.  Grief (the response to an encounter with absolute powerlessness) lies beneath the surface, but it manifests itself as an out-of-the-blue fight over something relatively meaningless and completely unrelated to the core issue.  

Why do I mention this in the context of a conversation on control?  

The accidental release of tension serves as an unconscious effort to gain control while we battle absolute powerlessness beneath the surface of things.

When we feel most out of control we are, at the same time, most likely to exert control in some other area through an unnecessary display of force.  

Scott’s Scott Critique:

Again, I don’t necessarily disagree with what I wrote above, but I would rephrase it if writing it again today (which I am, and will). I didn’t need to talk about control here in order to make my point: it’s important to confront the difficult emotions we have as a result of whatever life throws at us. When we don’t do this, yes, there are unintended consequences. But, in this case, I think it’s okay to say the problem was lingering grief that needed more attention (as opposed to control issues). 

The biggest question, in my mind, when assessing ourselves, is: Am I living like the person I want to be? In the above example, I was referring to my frustration that often comes out over cleanliness. Regardless of whether we clean house how I’d like, or if I have dealt with my grief or not, I don’t want to be a person who takes his frustration out on his wife or his kitchen (or, now, my child). So, if I’m not acting like who I want to be…what do I want to do differently? 

Or, for you, if you’re not acting like who you want to be…what do you want to do differently? 

Can you see anything you’d like to change?

From Powerlessness to Acceptance

For a month’s worth of posts, I (Scott) am critiquing my own past blog posts. I’m viewing this as an experiment in being willing to admit when I’m wrong, change my mind, and to do so publicly.

When we protect ourselves from uncomfortable truths we simultaneously prevent ourselves from discovering the appropriate response to our circumstances because we are not aware of even the need to respond.  Instead we live in reactivity, which is to say, we live un-consciously, allowing our response to the experience to remain hidden from view while our reactions wreak havoc in other unrelated areas.  

For example, we may argue with a partner over the house being dirty to release uncomfortable emotions hidden beneath the surface.  In reality, the only way to release (or let go of) the grief (or whatever uncomfortable thing you're coping with) beneath the surface is to acknowledge and sit with the grief.  When we aren't aware of how powerless we are, or when we fight our encounter with powerlessness, we commit ourselves to the ongoing insanity of letting out the tension beneath the surface only accidentally (as in the dirty house example).  

Accidental releases of tension provide a few minutes of relief, but they never satisfy us in the long run.

2021 Scott thoughts on Scott:

My biggest thought as I continue to read these is how mean I sound in print. Someone should have told me! (Just kidding. No blame shifting here.)

These days I really prefer the term acceptance to powerlessness. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with the term powerlessness, of course, it’s just a word. And it happens to be a word with a long and fruitful history in recovery circles. 

I still struggle with reactivity- just as I did when I originally wrote this post. I am improving in the acceptance department though- and this really helps. 

Let’s be honest- a bulk of my conflict (and therefore reactivity) happens in marriage because it’s my “biggest” relationship. One of the other things I see happening over time is that I feel safer as time goes on. I learn that disagreements get resolved, I learn that Brittany and I can work to prioritize each other’s needs, and so on. It can’t be overstated how important a sense of “life safety” is- a sense that you’re seen, understood, and cared for, in managing stress, anxiety, reactivity, and so on. 

So rather than putting all the responsibility on ourselves to be less reactive, perhaps we should also consider prioritizing safe relationships.