Final Thoughts on Control…

This month, I (Scott) went through and critiqued a month’s worth of my past posts. There is an awful lot that I hated about my prior posts- mostly the tone that I write with- but also quite a few of the ideas, and perhaps even my approach to life in general. 

I have become softer as I age- but I mean that in a good way (not the way a basketball coach would say it). I more easily recognize the importance of seeking out the good in people, rather than assuming the worst or looking for all the ways they might be self-deceptive or psychologically damaged. 

I no longer feel confident that I know why I do things or that I could figure out why other people do things. However, I do think it’s important to consider how our actions impact each other and to take responsibility for them and to make changes when and where we can. I just don’t necessarily think the “why” helps us do that. 

But mostly- I just see how helpful it is to treat people as if they already are the person they aspire to be. I sincerely think this helps people get closer to being who they want to be. And I think this is how God views us- not as we are- but as the person He will one day make us (or, more precisely, the person he’s in the process of transforming us into…a process which will one day be complete). The following verses speak to this point- and it might be worth spending some time with them today as we wrap up this series:

So then, from this point on we won’t recognize people by human standards. Even though we used to know Christ by human standards, that isn’t how we know him now. So then, if anyone is in Christ, that person is part of the new creation. The old things have gone away, and look, new things have arrived! 

2 Corinthians 5:16-17

Checking Up and Checking In

For a month’s worth of posts, I (Scott) am critiquing my own past blog posts. I’m viewing this as an experiment in being willing to admit when I’m wrong, change my mind, and to do so publicly.

Yesterday I gave a series of sample questions to ask yourself periodically as a sort of mental and emotional “check up”.  This is a way of getting to the bottom of the question, “How am I doing?”  

Why do I recommend this?  

Triggers are not always attached to some distant thing in the past.  Sometimes, as is the case with what I described between myself and Brittany, triggers are the result of some powerful stressor that comes from some other place in life.  It is easy, at times, to move ahead with life so quickly that we do not create time or space to consider how we are doing.  This means there are times where we legitimately do not know (or simply are not consciously aware of) how we are doing.  If we don’t know, we’re unlikely to respond to triggers and difficult situations well.  We’re simply unprepared.  

Scott from the future:

Checking in with yourself is essentially a meditative, mindful exercise that helps you go through life more aware. When you’re more aware you can more quickly deal with the actual problems you have (as opposed to the surface-level problems like dirty dishes). You can have more open, honest conversations that increase and deepen intimacy. You can resolve conflict easier, you are better prepared to empathize, etc. It’s a good idea.

Questions for Pondering…

For a month’s worth of posts, I (Scott) am critiquing my own past blog posts. I’m viewing this as an experiment in being willing to admit when I’m wrong, change my mind, and to do so publicly.

In order to become more aware of ourselves, it may also be worth our time to consider regularly asking ourselves some difficult questions about our lives:

What am I afraid of right now, in this moment?

What am I anxious about right now, in this moment?  

What am I angry about?  

What am I proud of?

What am I ashamed of?  

In what sense is my life incomplete?  

In what sense is it full?

In what areas have I failed (or am failing)?  

In what areas have I succeeded?  

These are just some ideas to get you started.  You may want to create your own list based on whatever core set of issues you have.  We all have the capacity to wrestle with each of these emotions and questions (and many more besides), but we tend to have favorites that are more likely to show up than others and more likely to stick around.  

Scott’s thoughts from the future:

I would also add: 

What brings me joy? (Either that you currently do or that you used to do and want to get back to doing)

What are some simple things that bring me pleasure?

How can I add more of these things into my life (without harming other important areas of my life)?

You Have to Validate to Cooperate

For a month’s worth of posts, I (Scott) am critiquing my own past blog posts. I’m viewing this as an experiment in being willing to admit when I’m wrong, change my mind, and to do so publicly.

From yesterday:   How do we draw accurate conclusions about what has taken place during a fight?

If both parties are at least a bit wrong in every confrontation, then that means the truth of the situation does not exist on the side of either person but, instead, somewhere in the middle.  

In order to draw accurate conclusions about a fight both parties must be committed to an ongoing dialogue and both parties must remain legitimately open to what the other party has to say.  The only way to find truth is to cooperatively navigate through the filth of what transpired.  

If one side or the other is not committed to the process, both will be abandoned to guesswork and confusion.  Neither of these serves a relationship well.  

Looking back from the future:

One thing I would say with some additional time and perspective is that it just isn’t that important to get at the exact facts of an argument. It is critical that each person’s concern is heard, that each person’s feelings are validated, and that there is a spirit of cooperation in seeking a solution.

Remember, validation is not about agreement- it’s acknowledging what’s there without judgment. I don’t always agree with Brittany’s reasons for being upset with me- but it’s absolutely crucial that I get to a place where I can say, “I hear you’re upset, and it’s okay to be upset.” It’s only once both people have been heard that you can really cooperate on a solution.

Evaluation and Communication

For a month’s worth of posts, I (Scott) am critiquing my own past blog posts. I’m viewing this as an experiment in being willing to admit when I’m wrong, change my mind, and to do so publicly.

The difficulty (or one of the difficulties) in honest self-reflection following a fight comes in creating the distance we need between our attempts at discernment and the underlying unpleasant experience.  In other words, our feelings tend to cloud our judgment.  We need to create space between the emotional trigger and the beginning of our process of deciphering the meaning of the event or fight.  

The problem is, we intuitively and instantaneously seek the meaning of our interactions, often before they’re even finished.  What did he (or she) mean by this phrase?  Or by this look?  He (or she) is so angry, and this has never happened before, does that mean this relationship is over?  

In other words, we begin the analysis in the height of the moment when we’re least equipped to draw conclusions about the true meaning of the moment.  What I mean is, we draw plenty of conclusions about what that moment means, but very few of them are true or accurate.  

How do we draw accurate conclusions about what has taken place during a fight?  

More tomorrow.

2021 Scott reflects:

I can’t even being to describe what a big soap box I could get on about “evaluation” and the role it plays in communication. 

One of my counseling professors drove me crazy. Any time I would bring up a scenario where I would ask, “What do you think is going on with this person?” He would completely ignore it- and, instead, begin a conversation about what might a person who is doing that thing I’ve described need.

In other words, the lesson I got out of this was something like: You’re not going to figure people out, people often can’t figure themselves out, but we can often see what people want or need from the world by how they act in the world. For me, that removes the judgment from the situation. I don’t focus on evaluating what the other person is doing- I focus on what their actions might indicate about their needs. 

I believe this is helpful in life in general. I don’t think we’re good at evaluating, though people are often very sure that they know why everyone does everything they’re doing. 

Let’s try to move away from that. We don’t need to understand people- we probably never will. But, instead, ask: are they leaving a trail of breadcrumbs that helps us see what they need from us?