Is it Good Judgment or Are You Being Judgemental?

Most Thursday nights I have the pleasure and privilege of participating in our Family and Friends Education Program at NSC, in partnership with some other really great organizations, like VCU's Rams in Recovery. This program is designed to support and educate families seeking recovery for a loved one. It is an amazing group; often, someone wants an "after meeting meeting" - in order to get a bit more personal about unpacking a particular crisis or chronic problem related to the topic of the evening.

One evening we talked about the characteristics that foster change: empathy, compassion, unconditional positive regard, etc. These principles are extremely difficult to figure out how to display when confronting a loved one whose addiction leads them to lie, cheat and steal without apparent remorse. (Which, for the record, is rarely true. Most people have deep shame and remorse about the places the disease takes them.)

"Teresa, I hear what you are saying, but I just do not buy it. There is just no way in hell I can withhold judgment after all my son has done. He's a thief. He's broken all the commandments plus a few no one even thought to mention. I am ashamed of my son and I want him to be ashamed too - maybe then he will change."

Yeah, well, it turns out that shame is not a great motivational tool. It encourages hiding and secrets and isolation. It is not helpful. As I listened to this heartsick parent lament, I realized that we need to have a follow up conversation that distinguishes between being judgmental versus having good judgment.

I was NOT advocating for abandoning good judgment. Good judgment in this instance might mean that these parents not give their kid a key to their home and ask him to water the plants and feed the dog when they go on vacation. That's using poor judgment. That's not living in reality. Their son is not capable of that level of responsibility. A parent can know this without being judgmental about this tough truth. There's a difference.

One of the words I over-use on Thursdays is "tone" - our "tone" matters. When our "tone" comes from a place of radical acceptance, even if we mess up the words, our fumbling is less debilitating. When my grandmother told me to "Stay sweet and do not get stout," her "tone" was deaf, but loving. It was wrong, but not toxic. It was poor advice, but not devastating because it was just so obvious that she loved me. Now, she should not have said it and it was a super bad message to give a woman way deep into anorexia. But its effect was blunted because of the tone, the heart of her message. These sorts of problems need correcting - and, eventually I was able to share with her about my personal struggles and she never, ever repeated those words. But judgmental attitudes are hard to address and far more dangerous.

Differentiating between good judgment and being judgmental is challenging. We often need help figuring it out. That's ok, because in no judgment zones, asking for help is easy.

No One is Asking You to be Right

I am my biggest limitation. It's true. I make up stories in my head about what I SHOULD do, or the kind of person I COULD be, or the life I MIGHT HAVE HAD IF ONLY.... most of it is just baloney. It turns out that everyone has limitations. Even I, with all mine, has not been powerful enough to ruin my children.

Last week we had our annual Memorial Day family gathering. The grandkids are at the stage where you can take your eyes off them for 3 seconds without them choking on a screw or choking each other. I built them a fort in the back yard made of sheets and towels thrown over a dome-like jungle gym structure that they climb on and fall off of on a regular basis. They loved their little cozy fort.

The big kids - all the rest of us, played pickle ball on a court drawn quite precisely by the resident engineer in the family. Scott and I acted as his assistants and we really did try to keep our mocking to a minimum over his precision and laser focus on getting it perfect. We ate a simple meal that included a new recipe from my sister-in-law, who we affectionately call Chef ShooFly because she is an excellent cook and one of the littles called her that years ago and it stuck. We had a discussion on labor unions (with many different perspectives at the table) and I can only speak for myself - I learned a ton.

My joy is complete - to see the way my family respected each other even with the diversity that has bloomed as the years have started to pile up and kids have turned into adults. It occurs to me that with all the things I regret about the way I parented, the thing I love about being a parent is that somewhere along the line someone managed to convey to my children that no one is asking any of us to be right or deny their limitations. No one has to be certain that their opinion should and must prevail.

I don't know who taught them these things, but I am so grateful to learn by watching them live a life of unconditional positive regard for one another. My optimism for future generations grows as I see how this next generation is modeling these truths for their children. So just in case no one has told you recently - your limitations are not a problem. Everyone has them. Tomorrow we'll talk about how to manage them.

A Good Friend

A good, true and loving friend is a person who can deal with your humanity. Each of us express our humanity in different ways; our expression of humanity appeals to some more than others. This does not make either party 'bad', nor 'better' if they happen to prefer one brand of human over another. Affinity is a necessary element of choosing one's friends - and it is our right to choose and I would suggest - our responsibility to do so wisely.

Overlook an offense and bond a friendship; fasten on to a slight and - good-bye, friend!

Proverbs 17:9 The Message

Over the course of a lifetime, we test this out and the level of intimacy is adjusted between parties accordingly. These kind of adjustments can be handled better by understanding boundaries. Human foibles are normal and the better we are at dealing with them, the more likely we are to enjoy relationships.

This is NOT the same thing as putting up with behavior that is uncomfortable or disrespectful, undignified or hints at a relationship built on conditional regard. It is true, sometimes in certain ways we are all a bit 'too sensitive' but it is also true that sometimes people are not sensitive enough when it comes to managing a friendship. It cuts both ways.

This is where good conflict resolution skills are needed. It helps if we can learn how to have tough conversations about how we are feeling about an issue while maintaining mutual respect, dignity for all and unconditional positive regard. These three skills alone can go a long way in creating an environment where even the messiest of relationships can be managed.

My grandson is learning that his friend's preference to play with others on a particular day is not personal. How my grandson handles the situation may indeed impact whether or not future play dates are possible. It would be awesome if everyone had the skill sets to state boundaries clearly without making others guess. I believe this is too much to ask of a four year old - but what about us?

As you reflect on your own friendships, is there a conversation that might be necessary? A kindness that needs extending? A boundary that needs to be drawn more clearly? In all things - respect, dignity and unconditional positive regard. Those are the keys if we want to be fully human and decent beings.

Permission to Feel Your Feelings…

“Don’t trade your authenticity for approval.”

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Recently one of my kids had to have a tough conversation with someone they love. My kid shared feelings - big feelings, hurt feelings. This kid is a true McBean, talking about feelings is not really our thing and yet my kid did.

If no one has given you permission to go big with your feelings - here is your chance to receive permission. It is ok to be THAT PERSON. The one who has to say - Hey, I’m feeling very hurt AND I love you - so it makes it a bit harder. Sometimes you have to say that LOUD. And when you do, you will find out who can hold your authenticity. And that is extremely important information.

Find your tribe; the people who give you space to be your saddest, maddest, loneliest self. Find your tribe; the people who love you back. And then you will find the beauty of shared unconditional positive regard - so much better than trying to figure out how to win approval.

Go be you and use that experience to guide you into new insights about who you want to become!