Listening Well

FYI- this is part of a series on how to live out our faith in a positive way. Click here to get caught up.

Part of living out our faith in a positive way is to create, build, and sustain meaningful connections with others. In so doing we reflect the image of God and, hopefully, pass some of his love on to the world around us. A huge part of establishing connections is done through listening.

We all know at this point the old adage that goes something like, “Are you listening or just waiting to talk?”

Listening well is more than being quiet and more than being curious. It’s the process of discovering another person’s perspective through attentiveness, asking questions, and experimenting with reflecting what you hear to see if it resonates with the other person. Good listening isn’t just hearing what’s there- it’s a collaborative process where the speaker, too, discovers more about themselves than what they’ve been saying.

If you’re not sure where to get started, try this. After someone shares something with you about themselves, say something like, “Let me see if I’ve got this right…” and then summarize what you’ve heard in your own words. This will allow the other person to clarify anything that hasn’t quite landed or to affirm that you’ve gotten things right- which means they will feel validated.

You Have to Validate to Cooperate

For a month’s worth of posts, I (Scott) am critiquing my own past blog posts. I’m viewing this as an experiment in being willing to admit when I’m wrong, change my mind, and to do so publicly.

From yesterday:   How do we draw accurate conclusions about what has taken place during a fight?

If both parties are at least a bit wrong in every confrontation, then that means the truth of the situation does not exist on the side of either person but, instead, somewhere in the middle.  

In order to draw accurate conclusions about a fight both parties must be committed to an ongoing dialogue and both parties must remain legitimately open to what the other party has to say.  The only way to find truth is to cooperatively navigate through the filth of what transpired.  

If one side or the other is not committed to the process, both will be abandoned to guesswork and confusion.  Neither of these serves a relationship well.  

Looking back from the future:

One thing I would say with some additional time and perspective is that it just isn’t that important to get at the exact facts of an argument. It is critical that each person’s concern is heard, that each person’s feelings are validated, and that there is a spirit of cooperation in seeking a solution.

Remember, validation is not about agreement- it’s acknowledging what’s there without judgment. I don’t always agree with Brittany’s reasons for being upset with me- but it’s absolutely crucial that I get to a place where I can say, “I hear you’re upset, and it’s okay to be upset.” It’s only once both people have been heard that you can really cooperate on a solution.

Failure to Launch

Yesterday we looked at an example of how an invalidating response to a conversation starter can prevent the conversation from deepening. It went like this:

Brittany: Hey, I know I said would get the trash out this morning and Norah was going crazy and it just didn’t happen

Scott: You know that we’re going to get fined next week since we’ll have to put out two weeks of trash now, right?

A validating response would look something like this: “I know exactly how all consuming it can be to deal with a toddler who is melting down.” When you respond with validation, the conversation can go where it needs to go. It doesn’t get trapped in a cycle of defensiveness.

So, let’s say Brittany was really struggling with being home alone too much, she can then say, “It is really all consuming and it’s really wearing me out. Would it be possible to put Norah in preschool one extra day per week so that my margins aren’t so thin?”

The conversation started with trash and validation allowed it to go deeper: Brittany needs more time for...whatever, it doesn’t matter it’s hypothetical. Let’s say she needs more time to work on her business, or to rest, or to see friends, it really doesn’t matter. She had a need that she needed to express and an invalidating response prevented that from coming out.

And let us consider each other carefully for the purpose of sparking love and good deeds. 25 Don’t stop meeting together with other believers, which some people have gotten into the habit of doing. Instead, encourage each other, especially as you see the day drawing near.

Hebrews 10:24-25, CEB