How Do You Fill Your Soul?

"There is a candle in your heart, ready to be kindled. There is a void in your soul, ready be filled. You feel it, don't you?"

Rumi

I love quotes that are so beautiful it makes my heart swoon. But I am also a pragmatic person, and old. Really old. So I've been on the losing end of a sweet talker a time or two in my life, so I happen to believe swooning is over-rated. I can cause head injuries at my age.

I believe Rumi, and on those days - all 12 of them in my life - when I can feel my soul - it does long to be filled. But how does that happen? How do we fill our soul?

That's what we're going to talk about for awhile...but before we go there, breathe. Remember Rumi's words and know that you are inherently worthy because you are absolutely made in the image of God.

Showing Up as an Act of Courage

Dr. Willimon challenges us in his body of work and his life to accept the offer of living out our calling in all the roles in our life. This calling has certain parameters, based on who did the calling. I believe that my calling comes from God - an external agent, someone who tapped me on my shoulder and I responded, "Yes. I will follow you." Now, it can be argued that I had no clue what this would entail. Fair enough. But still, I made a commitment. I also dream. I mean literally. I have dreams. Some of them, once in a great while, feel like God's hand on my shoulder. Once I had that experience, whether or not I enjoyed my purposeful life every day became a moot point. Now this is a freaky story, and it is ok if you don't believe it. I really don't need you to believe it because I know it is as real and true as sacred as the feeling that comes when I eat peanut butter out of a jar with a spoon. Heavenly! But this is a freaky story warning.

For the last four and a half years I have been in an enormously powerful estranged relationship with someone I love. He's disappointed in me. I've continued to wrestle with how I feel about him. Until last night. I had a dream. In the dream, Pete, the kids and I were packing to sneak away from what I perceived was a dangerous situation involving this person. I have this thought in my head that we have to escape on the sly because our life is in peril. In the dream this person who I am estranged from in real life tells me that he has been fired from his job and his "sketchy" behavior has been all about trying to protect me from this knowledge. So maybe he is not dangerous, maybe I misread the scenario - I think in my dream.

I go over to comfort him. I pull him into my arms, I rub and pat his back, and I tell him, "Do not let people who cannot see your worth put a price on your value." He weeps. I hold.

And then I add..."We have to pack up and go home now. I cannot be here anymore. I do not know if you, who cannot see your own worth, have the capacity to see mine. I do not know if you can reflect back to me my value. I am going not because I do not love you; I have to leave because I cannot be courageous and live my own life in a meaningful way unless I am surrounded by people who value me." And then I woke up.

I understood. I was given from an outside source (I think it was God's Spirit) clarity for what has haunted me for four and a half years. Part of this estrangement has been about safety for me. And I always wondered - why do you feel so unsafe that you have to hide? I have my reasons but I think today I see it through another lens of knowing. I do not have to hide; I have to choose. I have to be courageous and faithful. I have to move towards something - my life as a person of faith. I must practice it. I must practice what I believe which is that we are all inherently worthy and that our value is not dependent on others' assessment of us. We are not a house that requires a yearly tax based on how much we could be sold for in the marketplace. If I believe that FOR others, I must also require it for myself as a condition of connection.

I have experienced the external sense of determination Willimon speaks of - there are moments when God puts his hand on our shoulder and leads us beside quiet waters, he refreshes our souls, he guides us along the right paths. It may be a quiet nudge in a dream; it may be a moment of clarity; it may be a sense of calling; it may eventually lead to a meaningful life. But our God is a God who can work with what we bring to him. And so, I have to ask, what kind of fool would I be to not heed his call?

Believing in the Worthiness of All

“A collective sense of worthiness could shake the world.”

Brené Brown

It could, but will it?

I do not mean to sound like a negative Nelly after feeling like a prickly pear just a few days ago, but there you have it. Will we ever collect enough sense of worthiness to shake us awake, much less shake the world?

I do not know.

But I do know two things, tops:

God, for whatever reason, chose us to be part of the shake up. This seems like such a crazy strategic plan, seeing as how courage so often fails us and we are so good at diminishing ourselves and others.

Thing two: God is moving. His pace may feel slow, but his word assures us that his plans will come to fruition. He wants a kingdom where the inherent worth of all is a given, not a cause for alarm or protest.

I’m settling into this idea that I am old enough that I may never see a world shaken by worthiness. But I refuse to abandon the plan. I don’t want to slow the pace down by my own actions. I am fully well aware that I am a small pea in a big pot of peas living on a tiny dot of the timeline of creation. But there is “thing one” and “thing two” to consider.

So for today, I choose to believe in the worthiness of all. And I am going to continue to feel alarmed when anyone’s worth is diminished and do my part to be a voice of dissent when worthiness is not valued for all and by all.

But first, I need a nap. Also something God does not frown on because he knows we are frail and mere mortals. We really do need a discussion with Him about why he feels so strongly that we can be a part of his kingdom coming work!

Breathe. Rest. Relax.

“You’ll never know what worse luck your bad luck has saved you from.”

Unknown

There is inherent danger in believing our own press releases. We all have a way of crafting our stories, don’t we? We have ways of seeing the world and the circumstances that have come to define our sense of self.

If your story is one of feeling “less than”, I have a suggestion. Consider choosing a new adventure. I see the fly in the anointment that may have you questioning this logic. You, me and by the way - everyone else on this planet - has lived in unworthy, “less than” ways. This is a fact. We do not always live in accordance with our own values and core beliefs.

But this does not invalidate our inherent worth. So what to do about our past mistakes? Own them. Own them fully but not exclusively. Account fully for shortcomings without ignoring the rest of the story - we were doing the best we could even if our best was not great.

How can we do that? Well, we could try noticing our defensive posturing - however that looks. Some of us are pretty defensive, others of us are straight up aggressive, others take on too much responsibility and blame themselves for everything! All of it is ignoring God’s value of inherent worth.

Inherent worth allows us to forgive and ask for forgiveness. It enables us to own our mistakes. It qualifies us to recognize the mistakes of others without having to judge them for their humanity.

When we are anxious about something, when we fear that God is not paying attention to us and if he is, he doesn’t like what he sees...we run to idols. This is the history of humanity. There is no need to expect that we will be the exception. But what we can do is recognize and pay attention to our tendency to fail to see the big picture.

God has us and he has got this - this whole wide world in his hands. Breathe. Rest. Relax.

We Cannot Give What We Do Not Have

You have to learn to love yourself before you can love someone else. Because it’s only when we love ourselves that we feel worthy of someone else’s love.

Alyssa B. Sheinmel

When I first heard about “self love” all I could think of was narcissism. For many reasons, I have spent my whole life hoping this was NOT a trait I would carry with me in life. So I scoffed at this idea of loving one’s self. I resisted it. I feared it.

If “learning to love yourself” sounds more like psycho-babble than a thing to you, ok, I get it. But I have found new words that resonate more with me that capture this idea that we cannot give away what we do not possess. How about this?

You cannot respect others if you do not know how to respect yourself. You will not require others to respect you, if you cannot lead the way in showing them how.

You cannot treat others with dignity unless you require others to treat with the dignity you plan to return.

You cannot recognize the inherent worth of others unless you recognize and celebrate your own inherent worth.

We cannot give what we do not have.

So if loving yourself, although biblical, feels just a smidge out of reach - try these principles on and see if progress can be made!