You aren’t in denial, you’re in pain.

For a long time I really connected with the concept of denial. And, while I still think it has some value, I think its value is a lot less than I once did. The thing that I liked about it is that it helped things make sense. It made things really easy to understand. If someone wasn’t responding to a difficult situation in the way that I thought was “correct” then I could just chalk it up to denial. 

Other people’s problems always seem simpler than our own. It’s easy-ish to see people do things that we perceive are not in their long-term best interests. Key word there is perceive. Try as we might we generally don’t really know what’s in someone’s long-term best interests. Or we may not know what’s really important to the other person. We may not know what a person is willing to sacrifice in order to feel good about the life they have lived. 

I recently listened to someone talk about regret. They were concerned that they had been too cold and uncaring to a loved one that they lost to substance use. They had cut the person off for stretches of time in order to protect themselves but, in retrospect, this person felt like they could have given more. As strung out as they might have been with that relationship, this person felt like they could have been a bit more self-sacrificial. 

In many circles people would call this denial; the assumption being that a certain level of sacrifice is simply too much to be reasonable. Some might even say this person is addicted to their loved one, or the feeling they get from trying to be helpful, and they need to recover from that. And they need to stop doing anything for the other person.

It’s tricky territory. Every relationship has a line somewhere between you and the other person. Relationships are rarely 50-50. Sometimes one person needs a higher level of care than the other. Sometimes the reverse is true. Over time, a decent and healthy relationship sees care extend in both directions. In some relationships, you show more care and concern than the other person. When this becomes “too much” is nearly impossible to judge. This is what my friend is struggling with: wondering if they detached too soon. 

What I’ve learned is this: There is no way to know what the “correct” way to relate to another person is. My friend felt like they detached too much, and that led to regret. You and I both know dozens of examples of people who felt like they were over attached and needed to back off. (And likely got the advice that, if they don’t do that, then they’re simply in denial). 

Because there is no way to know how people should be relating to their loved ones, then telling people they’re in denial doesn’t really help anything, even if how they’re acting doesn’t “make sense.” 

It could be that some people are willing to put their lives on hold for the sake of their loved ones. Is that denial? I don’t particularly think so. Not anymore. I just think that’s how they want to live. And, sometimes people want to live that way for a time then decide they want to try something different. They can change their minds. There are many paths. They are all acceptable. 

Our lives are complicated. We often have mixed feelings about how we are living, how are relationships are going, how we are acting in them, and how others act towards us. There are things we are willing to tolerate and things we are not willing to tolerate- and sometimes we change our minds on what exactly those things are. Sometimes we are willing to tolerate things until we reach a breaking point. Sometimes we’re willing to tolerate things…well…forever. 

We will not uncomplicated our lives by cutting out uncomfortable people or uncomfortable relationships. It’s important to care about others, even if it harms us. It’s important to make sacrifices for the sake of others. This is how we learn and grow. It’s how we live our call. And, we don’t have to make sacrifices all the time. We don’t have to make so many sacrifices that we can’t enjoy our lives. 

But, most importantly, we should really hesitate to tell other people what sacrifices they should make. We should really hesitate to tell someone else that they are in denial because they’re chosen path looks different than the one we might advise. 

So let me just stop here for a second. I keep doing the very thing I’m telling you not to do. I’m telling you not to do something. So let me suggest an alternative: Rather than telling other people what they should be doing with their lives, build other people up. Encourage them. Point out their strengths. Tell them you appreciate them. 

Why? Because of this:

God didn’t set us up for an angry rejection but for salvation by our Master, Jesus Christ. He died for us, a death that triggered life. Whether we’re awake with the living or asleep with the dead, we’re alive with him! So speak encouraging words to one another. Build up hope so you’ll all be together in this, no one left out, no one left behind. I know you’re already doing this; just keep on doing it.

~ 1 Thessalonians 5:9-11, Message

God sacrificed himself so that we might have life. A life not characterized by angry rejection but one where we’re a part of a group of people where we are lifted up and encouraged, where hope is shared, where no person is left out or left behind. 

We don’t need to concern ourselves with how people should be living. We need to concern ourselves with this simpler call: to include, encourage, and upbuild. 

I truly believe that if we focus on these things that rest takes care of itself. If we do these things then we create a safe and loving community where people are supported and accepted and can grow into the kind of person God is calling each of us to be. 

In short, let’s not tell others their business…let’s just tell remind each person in our lives all of the many wonderful things they have to offer.