Affirming is Important But Difficult

I (Scott) was talking to a parent recently about the relationship between affirmations and consequences in parenting. This parent said they had one child who responded very well to negative consequences (taking something away when an undesirable behavior happens) whereas the other child responded better to positive reinforcement (giving the child something they want to reward a desirable behavior).

Brittany and I do a little bit of both of these, depending on the circumstances, but, by and large, Norah responds better to positive reinforcement. This means that any time she behaves in a way that we want to make a pattern, we use an over-the-top happy parent voice to say, “GREAT JOB BIG GIRL!”

To be honest, it’s exhausting. It’s not in my nature to be over-the-top about anything (surprise, surprise). It feels like pretending, acting, or faking it, and not particularly authentic. But I continue to muster the energy to do it because I see the benefits- Norah loves it. It teaches her what to pursue in life and, even at her young age, she wants to know what is expected of her.

When it comes to adult relationships, it feels even more difficult, perhaps even unnecessary, to affirm those around us. We’ll discuss this in more detail tomorrow. Until then, spend some time reflecting on the verse below:

Don’t let any foul words come out of your mouth. Only say what is helpful when it is needed for building up the community so that it benefits those who hear what you say.

Ephesians 4:29

Living peacefully together

Therefore, if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort in love, any sharing in the Spirit, any sympathy, 2 complete my joy by thinking the same way, having the same love, being united, and agreeing with each other. 3 Don’t do anything for selfish purposes, but with humility think of others as better than yourselves. 4 Instead of each person watching out for their own good, watch out for what is better for others. 5 Adopt the attitude that was in Christ Jesus:

6 Though he was in the form of God, he did not consider being equal with God something to exploit.

7 But he emptied himself by taking the form of a slave and by becoming like human beings. When he found himself in the form of a human, 8 he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. 9 Therefore, God highly honored him and gave him a name above all names, 10 so that at the name of Jesus everyone in heaven, on earth, and under the earth might bow 11 and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.

~ Philippians 2:1-11, CEB

If we’re going to live in community, then we have to learn how to respect and value differences of thought and opinion. No two people are ever going to be perfectly of the same mind. These verses to tell us to think the same way. As we’ve said before, this isn’t about having the same opinions, it’s about a mutual commitment to let God’s spirit guide your mind. Sometimes, that spirit is going to take us to different places. That’s okay. It may even be good.

Diversity (of thought, feeling, opinion, behavior, background, and so on) comes with the territory when you live in community, it’s unavoidable. So we have to consider how we react to people whose views are different from ours. We must learn to practice the patience, gentleness, peace, patience, kindness, etc. that God’s spirit brings in order to be able to love and serve “the other” in our differences. We set aside hostility and fear in favor of unity of our “big picture” purpose to love God and love others. In this way, we live out Paul’s call to live in harmony amidst difference.

Don't let fear turn into judgment

3 The legal experts and Pharisees brought a woman caught in adultery. Placing her in the center of the group, 4 they said to Jesus, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of committing adultery. 5 In the Law, Moses commanded us to stone women like this. What do you say?” 6 They said this to test him, because they wanted a reason to bring an accusation against him. Jesus bent down and wrote on the ground with his finger.

7 They continued to question him, so he stood up and replied, “Whoever hasn’t sinned should throw the first stone.” 8 Bending down again, he wrote on the ground. 9 Those who heard him went away, one by one, beginning with the elders. Finally, only Jesus and the woman were left in the middle of the crowd.

~ John 8:3-9, CEB

As I wrote yesterday, I can’t control the world around me, I can only control me. I follow God to the best of my ability. I trust that others in our community do the same. Many people in our community have asked to be in accountable relationships within the community. Those people have asked for moral accountability. Therefore, when something is off, the community has the permission to step in and hold that person accountable. This is when we have the right to speak up on another person’s morality. I have asked for this kind of accountability and try to listen when others hold me accountable. I’m not perfect, but I try. I try to speak up when others have asked for the same back.

The problem is, there are SO many people in this world who aren’t interested in accountability. There are people in our community who don’t want it and haven’t asked for it. I can’t control that. So what are our options? We can take our own inventory and constantly take ownership for our own wrongdoings when we realize that’s what we’ve done. We can demand (or, you know, gently request) moral accountability from those who are in accountable relationship with us. We cannot do that when people haven’t asked for it. In fact, it’s just a waste of time. When it comes to something like moral outrage, you can cast the first stone if you want. I’m walking away.

When it comes to fear, you should only be as afraid of accountability as you are unaware of your own imperfections. If you ignore your stuff, then be very afraid. It tends to be that ignoring my stuff makes me more interested in controlling other people’s stuff. That’s the kind of thing that gets us and our communities in trouble.

Fear can very quickly turn into judgment of others.

Fear and Powerlessness

45 Right then, Jesus made his disciples get into a boat and go ahead to the other side of the lake, toward Bethsaida, while he dismissed the crowd. 46 After saying good-bye to them, Jesus went up onto a mountain to pray. 47 Evening came and the boat was in the middle of the lake, but he was alone on the land. 48 He saw his disciples struggling. They were trying to row forward, but the wind was blowing against them. Very early in the morning, he came to them, walking on the lake. He intended to pass by them. 49 When they saw him walking on the lake, they thought he was a ghost and they screamed.50 Seeing him was terrifying to all of them. Just then he spoke to them, “Be encouraged! It’s me. Don’t be afraid.” 51 He got into the boat, and the wind settled down. His disciples were so baffled they were beside themselves. 52 That’s because they hadn’t understood about the loaves. Their hearts had been changed so that they resisted God’s ways.

~ Mark 6:45-52, CEB

One thing we’ve learned time and again in recovery is the concept of powerlessness. I am only in control of the things I can legitimately control. I can’t control what goes on in the world around me, I can only control my response to it. I find freedom in accepting the world as it is, not as I would have it, while living the life I feel called to live. Nobody can take that away. No person and no law can stand in my way to live out my values and principles. I can reflect God’s love to the world around me in all situations. I don’t always do that, but by virtue of God’s transforming spirit within me, I have the capacity to do that. That’s my call.

Can we accept the world as it is even when it’s not as we wish it?

Fear says no. Faith says yes.

God heals our pain

45 Right then, Jesus made his disciples get into a boat and go ahead to the other side of the lake, toward Bethsaida, while he dismissed the crowd. 46 After saying good-bye to them, Jesus went up onto a mountain to pray. 47 Evening came and the boat was in the middle of the lake, but he was alone on the land. 48 He saw his disciples struggling. They were trying to row forward, but the wind was blowing against them. Very early in the morning, he came to them, walking on the lake. He intended to pass by them. 49 When they saw him walking on the lake, they thought he was a ghost and they screamed.50 Seeing him was terrifying to all of them. Just then he spoke to them, “Be encouraged! It’s me. Don’t be afraid.” 51 He got into the boat, and the wind settled down. His disciples were so baffled they were beside themselves. 52 That’s because they hadn’t understood about the loaves. Their hearts had been changed so that they resisted God’s ways.

~ Mark 6:45-52, CEB

As I read these verses, I’m increasingly aware of the ways in which my own heart has hardened and my own role in that. I’m extremely skeptical both of supernatural/mystical encounters of God in addition to the motivations of churches and faith communities in general. I suppose, in a sense, this makes me skeptical of God himself and his presence. In this way, my heart is hard. I don’t want to be that way. It’s gotten better over time. I think of the verse in Mark 9 where Jesus says, “Whoever isn’t against us is for us.” I have a hard time telling who is for God or against God. I suppose I should be less judgmental, then. I trust my own judgment too much, and my heart is hard because of it. Like the disciples, I need to remove the blinders and try to open my mind to God’s presence around me.

But, I also don’t think this is just a matter of my own spiritual blindness or failure. I think there are parts of myself that need to be healed, and I think God is likely the one who is going to do the healing. Given that, I don’t think the message here is just, “Do better.” No, I think it’s learning to trust that even our skepticism is likely rooted in something. Skepticism can be a sign of deep pain. God surely sees that. And I believe he’s willing to heal us- though that might take some time.