God heals our pain

45 Right then, Jesus made his disciples get into a boat and go ahead to the other side of the lake, toward Bethsaida, while he dismissed the crowd. 46 After saying good-bye to them, Jesus went up onto a mountain to pray. 47 Evening came and the boat was in the middle of the lake, but he was alone on the land. 48 He saw his disciples struggling. They were trying to row forward, but the wind was blowing against them. Very early in the morning, he came to them, walking on the lake. He intended to pass by them. 49 When they saw him walking on the lake, they thought he was a ghost and they screamed.50 Seeing him was terrifying to all of them. Just then he spoke to them, “Be encouraged! It’s me. Don’t be afraid.” 51 He got into the boat, and the wind settled down. His disciples were so baffled they were beside themselves. 52 That’s because they hadn’t understood about the loaves. Their hearts had been changed so that they resisted God’s ways.

~ Mark 6:45-52, CEB

As I read these verses, I’m increasingly aware of the ways in which my own heart has hardened and my own role in that. I’m extremely skeptical both of supernatural/mystical encounters of God in addition to the motivations of churches and faith communities in general. I suppose, in a sense, this makes me skeptical of God himself and his presence. In this way, my heart is hard. I don’t want to be that way. It’s gotten better over time. I think of the verse in Mark 9 where Jesus says, “Whoever isn’t against us is for us.” I have a hard time telling who is for God or against God. I suppose I should be less judgmental, then. I trust my own judgment too much, and my heart is hard because of it. Like the disciples, I need to remove the blinders and try to open my mind to God’s presence around me.

But, I also don’t think this is just a matter of my own spiritual blindness or failure. I think there are parts of myself that need to be healed, and I think God is likely the one who is going to do the healing. Given that, I don’t think the message here is just, “Do better.” No, I think it’s learning to trust that even our skepticism is likely rooted in something. Skepticism can be a sign of deep pain. God surely sees that. And I believe he’s willing to heal us- though that might take some time.