Learning to look past defensiveness
I have the habit of completely missing my most pervasive shortcomings when I try to tell the truth about myself. For me, this often boils down to telling the truth about my defensive attitude and contrarian tendencies. Without feedback I would not have seen this about myself. But feedback with me is tricky because I am defensive and a contrarian sort of human. (See how that works? It’s hard!!)
It wasn’t like this should have been difficult to spot. My husband and I were friends when we were in high school. We’ve been arguing for many decades. During the course of these spats, Pete has told me that I am hard to confront because I am so DEFENSIVE.
Me? Defensive? I usually replied with something like - “I AM NOT DEFENSIVE! I AM JUST EXPLAINING STUFF YOU OBVIOUSLY DO NOT UNDERSTAND!”
Yeah. I am defensive. But I could not SEE it. In the middle of a disagreement, it is hard to hear about our wrongdoing or shortcomings. If we are defensive types, we may just think the other person is trying to WIN. But when we commit to confession, we give another person permission to notice and call to our attention the possible shortcomings that we are missing.
Frankly, humans have a lot in common despite all our superficial differences. Often others recognize our issues because they are personally familiar with them. Remember, we asked for feedback. Those who hear us confess have options for spending their time doing other things - like a crossword puzzle and drinking coffee in peace and quiet. Additionally, confessors provide feedback for the purpose of keeping us on track. We may get caught up in our stories; they are focused on listening for an admission of wrongdoing. They are picking up on patterns that we may miss.
Our shortcomings are patterns that we have developed that ALWAYS offer a justification for our actions. We can spend our entire life NOT accepting hard truths about ourselves - but the consequences are devastating AND not nearly as freeing as figuring out that having faults is part of the standard package that comes with being human.
Are you willing to push past your defensiveness, just a tiny bit? If so, it may be time to find a way to talk to someone and get some help figuring out how your shortcomings are holding you back.
