When we're challenged, we get defensive

There is no happiness if the things we believe in are different than the things we do.
- Albert Camus

One of the conversations we have been hammering on at NSC lately is about this idea of ambivalence. We have learned from others that ambivalence can be a barrier to change. Since we live amongst people who desperately want - and need - change, any barrier to change is serious.

This is one of the reasons we are also harping on listening better because we know that better listening is one way we side-step ambivalence. Ambivalence is a big word for internal conflict about making a change.

Maybe I want to lose ten pounds so that I can fit into my favorite jeans; but I do NOT want to go on a diet. I am ambivalent. This is because I have competing core values. On the one hand, diet is a dirty word for a person in recovery from an eating disorder; on the other hand, I do NOT want to have to buy new jeans.

When we feel ambivalent and somebody tells us what we should do, our most natural response is to take the opposite position and argue for it. If Pete tells me diets are stupid, I want to change my eating habits. If he tells me that he agrees with my assessment and I could use to lose a few pounds, I fantasize about chopping him up in little bits and burying him in the backyard.

Listening skills like the ones we are learning help us avoid accidentally creating an ambivalence trap. This trap can keep us stuck for a long time. New ways of listening can help us help others make changes that benefit them and others!