When Grief Provides Relief
Decades into recovery, I am still surprised by my grief, especially when approaching the Seventh Step. This was not my experience in previous steps: Why the Seventh?
This step is grief-triggering because we are surrendering to the inevitability of change. I do not like change. Most people do not like change. We are often more comfortable with the devil we know than the one that might pop up in our future.
After I realized how often I leaned into false humility I realized that I had a problem with shame and humiliation. I began some personal work around that topic. I utilized therapy and my 12-Step practices to provide structure and accountability. I was embarrassed by what I discovered (more humiliation). I became keenly aware of when I was “doing it”, I hated to see it, which turned out to be a blessing. There came a day when I was thoroughly and completely ready to have this shortcoming removed (Step Six).
Immediately I felt relieved. I had a path forward! I could ask God to remove it. And then, I grieved. I grieved the loss of my old friend; self-deprecation. I mourned the blank spaces that would be left in my life when God removed it. How was I to cope?
Although it is true that the Seventh Step relies completely on God to actually remove our defects, our commitment to trusting him in all our affairs means that life will change. Here’s how it works for me. Humbly asking means that I cannot presume on God’s timing, but my trust in my Higher Power invites me to believe that he might rush to my aid at any second.
So I practice. I practice not reacting with humiliation. I practice believing that at any second, this plaguing habit might be washed away from me. I journal about all the ways that I see humiliation show up in my interactions with others, my thought life, my feelings and my decision-making. If it smells of humiliation, then I put it on the “do not participate” list of my daily activities. This is step one, with more to follow.
But there is some grief, loss and even self-pity in letting my old friend go. Humiliation does not leave without a fight, which I can respect! I notice how much I am going to miss her. She was my go-to defense. She was a great excuse not to try. She helped keep me in check by limiting my willingness to dare to believe that I can dare greatly.
