NOT an Apology

Step Nine can be abused, particularly when we confuse an amends with an apology. An amend is not an apology. Amends making inevitably results in us changing our behavior. An apology side-steps that process. If we seek an apology rather than an amend, we are avoiding the hard and painful work of recognizing and feeling another person’s suffering. This is why an appropriate amends inevitably involves listening. We ask, “Did I miss anything?” We ask, “How can I make this right?” We ask so that we might listen, understand and have empathy for the person we once hurt.

When we say, “I’m sorry” we are changing the focus from our wrongdoing to our uncomfortable feelings. We are manipulating the other person to focus on the shiny object of our remorse. This is the very thing that got us into trouble to begin with - using someone else in an attempt to benefit ourselves. Saying “I’m sorry” doesn’t change anything.

A decent amends requires us to focus on how the other person feels. Perhaps the secret sauce to any good amends is listening. Not how they listen to us, but how we listen to them as they interact with our efforts to make a wrong right.

So often the drive to do the Ninth Step comes from the desire to get guilt off our back. I have a friend who once was so overcome with guilt about an affair he was having that he decided to make an amends - for an affair his wife knew nothing of! It was a disaster. He was blindsided by her rage. He was shocked that his relief was so fleeting as the consequences of his actions tumbled down on him, his wife, his family and even his friends like a ton of bricks. He swiftly moved from guilt to outrage as the divorce papers arrived via special messenger. He lamented, “My wife is not acting like a good christian!” Oh boy. He was not able to see her pain, as he focused in so attentively on his own.

When we ask someone to speak about the pain we caused them AND listen without apology and without excuses, their pain will only add to our own because we realize afresh that we have been the reason for someone else’s suffering. This is hard stuff but together, we can do hard things! But we need support and help and prayer and wisdom and God’s grace to get through it.