Perfectly Imperfectly Human

“Imperfections are not inadequacies; they are reminders that we’re all in this together.”

Brene Brown

Imperfect. Imperfectly human. Made in the image of God. Still, with all that image-bearing potential, we are imperfect. My grandchildren are wonderfully made and completely embracing their imperfections. I wish I were able to do the same with my own imperfections.

No healthy adult burdens a child with character assassinations simply for being imperfectly human. When one of my grandkids grabs, scratches or hits the other - the offender is removed and given a break. They sit. They count. They breathe. They return to the family activity. No one accuses them of being mean or violent or selfish or rude because those are judgment words. If we can manage as a family to NOT assassinate their character as we continue to train them in righteousness, I don’t think either one of them will be tempted to turn to serial killing for sport. But not everyone is so lucky.

During quarantine I’ve been cleaning out the corners of my house. I finally got around to old family photos, trying to pare them down to a more manageable size. I found old pictures of myself from all stages of life and I thought: Wow. I looked normal. This is NOT the message I received from a few of the people I loved and looked up to. These messages fundamentally changed me in ways I still have to account for in terms of my mental health self-care. Did anyone intend harm? I doubt it. I do believe we are all doing the best we can AND sometimes our best is not very effective. How have imperfections been handled in your world? More on suggestions for change tomorrow.

Sometimes Affirming Feels Like a “Reach”

We affirm people for their sake. It is good to affirm people because people who are regularly affirmed can become better people.

Sometimes you have to look really hard for something to affirm. When you have to look really hard, it almost feels “cheap” to then offer that affirmation. But it’s not.

Affirmation is never cheap. It is a gift.

We may not feel like giving some people a gift. They may not deserve it. It’s true, some people cause so much harm that even I, as a pastor, would ask God to forgive any lack of forgiveness on your part.

Yet, at the same time, affirmations open people up to change that they might not otherwise have been able to consider. People who are affirmed may become “better” people, so to speak. They may not cause harm in the same ways as they did in the past as a result of their change.

Perhaps it’s someone else’s job to offer affirmation to a person who has caused you harm. I simply can’t say. I have no idea what the right thing to do is.

Whatever the case may be, it’s worth wrestling with.

Don’t let any foul words come out of your mouth. Only say what is helpful when it is needed for building up the community so that it benefits those who hear what you say.

Ephesians 4:29

The Specifics...

Remember the four defects of character? Selfishness. Self-seeking. Dishonesty. Fear. These are the shortcomings that created the drive for us to do wrong. Whether or not we INTENDED harm is not the issue. No one really cares about our intentions unless they are making excuses for our bad behavior.

It is easy to get distracted from our good work of amends and restitution by making our own set of excuses. We feel like we are being punished or condemned or dying because of our past misdeeds. We confuse ourselves by declaring our substance use disorder a disease (which it is) but twist that knowledge and use it as an excuse for bad behaving. It is not. Once we know better, we can practice doing better. Amends is a part of our spiritual practice of doing better.

When we disclose our wrongdoing, we need to be specific. Here are a couple examples:

* If we borrowed money we promised to repay and did not, we repay the money. Sometimes it is better to repay the money BEFORE we attempt an amends. Actions always speak louder than words and often grease the wheel of resistance to any form of communication.

* If we slandered someone or tried to destroy their reputation to protect our own, we need to set the record straight in the exact same manner we tarnished the record. We do not do this in secret if our offense was in public. That’s not restitution.

* If we have compulsively lied, we begin to get just as compulsive about telling the truth.

NOT an Apology

Step Nine can be abused, particularly when we confuse an amends with an apology. An amend is not an apology. Amends making inevitably results in us changing our behavior. An apology side-steps that process. If we seek an apology rather than an amend, we are avoiding the hard and painful work of recognizing and feeling another person’s suffering. This is why an appropriate amends inevitably involves listening. We ask, “Did I miss anything?” We ask, “How can I make this right?” We ask so that we might listen, understand and have empathy for the person we once hurt.

When we say, “I’m sorry” we are changing the focus from our wrongdoing to our uncomfortable feelings. We are manipulating the other person to focus on the shiny object of our remorse. This is the very thing that got us into trouble to begin with - using someone else in an attempt to benefit ourselves. Saying “I’m sorry” doesn’t change anything.

A decent amends requires us to focus on how the other person feels. Perhaps the secret sauce to any good amends is listening. Not how they listen to us, but how we listen to them as they interact with our efforts to make a wrong right.

So often the drive to do the Ninth Step comes from the desire to get guilt off our back. I have a friend who once was so overcome with guilt about an affair he was having that he decided to make an amends - for an affair his wife knew nothing of! It was a disaster. He was blindsided by her rage. He was shocked that his relief was so fleeting as the consequences of his actions tumbled down on him, his wife, his family and even his friends like a ton of bricks. He swiftly moved from guilt to outrage as the divorce papers arrived via special messenger. He lamented, “My wife is not acting like a good christian!” Oh boy. He was not able to see her pain, as he focused in so attentively on his own.

When we ask someone to speak about the pain we caused them AND listen without apology and without excuses, their pain will only add to our own because we realize afresh that we have been the reason for someone else’s suffering. This is hard stuff but together, we can do hard things! But we need support and help and prayer and wisdom and God’s grace to get through it.

Disclosure

We are disclosing animals, wired for unburdening. It’s what we do as a species.

-David Rakoff, Half Empty

One of the unfortunate side-effects of poor listening involves harming ways. People in recovery are taught to understand this - but I’m not sure the rest of the world has received this gift of humble learning. If you’ve practiced these steps, you have the experience of arriving at Step Nine, where we actually make the amends we have been preparing for. Others of us are not walking these steps with quite the same precision as others - but we can still glean wisdom from the process! In Step 9: We make direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. We screw up our courage and face our fears. We ask permission to make amends to people we have harmed, set an appointment up with the willing and DIRECTLY acknowledge our wrongdoing and then ask to make it right. Although this step in no way obligates another to forgive us, forgiveness is certainly a desirable outcome.

Our initial inclinations to run after those we have harmed and apologize may have morphed into a low grade dread. We are learning that the days of “I am sorry” are behind us. We are figuring out how to make amends and then actually taking the actionable step of doing so.

I have struggled with two primary issues when making amends:

1. I find it difficult to make an amends to someone who has also harmed me

2. My fear of rejection, my pride, my loose relationship with honesty, my selfishness and self-seeking - all holler at me to deny, deny, deny rather than admit.

When I was a kid my dad always told us to NEVER, EVER admit wrongdoing. He said that it was a sign of weakness and even in the face of proof of wrongdoing, if you claim your innocence loud enough, most people will back off. Unfortunately, he was right. It is similar advice a pastor gave me once, “Teresa, part of leadership is repeating what you want people to do over and over until they think it is their idea and they go along with it.” Unfortunately, in some toxic environments, this works.

Take a minute and consider what you have been taught about amends, apologies, and forgiveness. Do you think you have been given access - and practice time - to learn how to apply biblical principles in concrete, tangible and executable ways? I was not. But that is no excuse. I need to learn. How about you?