Affirm Everything and Everyone You Can

FYI- this is part of a series on how to live out our faith in a positive way. Click here to get caught up.

I facilitated a grief group early in 2021 and one of the things I joked with that group about is that I’m becoming an affirmation evangelist. I don’t think I’ve ever met a person that has said, “Yep, I feel completely and totally affirmed. I’m affirmed everywhere I go, at work, at home, my kids, my wife, everyone heaps affirmation on me.”

Most people struggle to feel affirmed. The reason for this is simple: We don’t offer much explicit affirmation.

And, at the same time, most people really appreciate affirmation. Affirmation is motivating- it helps you feel like your efforts are recognized, and this creates a sense that you belong.

I am, admittedly, terrible at affirming. I’m trying to do it more often- and I think I’m succeeding…but only because I used to affirm not at all. So, something is better than nothing…I guess.

Here are some tips for affirming:

-Make mental notes of things you appreciate about others

-State those mental notes out loud to people who do the things you appreciate. But, here’s the trick, don’t use any “value” language. Don’t say that what the other person did is “good,” or “better,” or even “great.” Simply state it as an observation.

When we use words like, “good,” “better,” or, “best,” we are unintentionally communicating that we’re the ones with the right to judge the qualities of another person- so it sounds condescending even though we don’t mean it to be. It’s sort of the same as saying, “I’m proud of you.” It’s a really nice sentiment- but it’s the same idea- it kind of also says, “I’m higher up than you.”

Here are some examples-

Instead of: You’re a good cook.

Try: Your food is delicious.

Instead of: You showed good perseverance.

Try: You are really diligent.

The trick is to look for qualities that another person displays and to simply notice them. By “qualities” I mean anything you notice and appreciate about another person. Such as: reliability, empathy, timeliness, attentiveness, helpfulness, and so on. Pick a trait that you see in another person and just say, “You are ______.”

You may think that’s too simple and won’t make much of an impact. I assure you- doing this regularly will make far more of an impact than trying to heap praise on a very occasional and irregular basis.

Listening Well

FYI- this is part of a series on how to live out our faith in a positive way. Click here to get caught up.

Part of living out our faith in a positive way is to create, build, and sustain meaningful connections with others. In so doing we reflect the image of God and, hopefully, pass some of his love on to the world around us. A huge part of establishing connections is done through listening.

We all know at this point the old adage that goes something like, “Are you listening or just waiting to talk?”

Listening well is more than being quiet and more than being curious. It’s the process of discovering another person’s perspective through attentiveness, asking questions, and experimenting with reflecting what you hear to see if it resonates with the other person. Good listening isn’t just hearing what’s there- it’s a collaborative process where the speaker, too, discovers more about themselves than what they’ve been saying.

If you’re not sure where to get started, try this. After someone shares something with you about themselves, say something like, “Let me see if I’ve got this right…” and then summarize what you’ve heard in your own words. This will allow the other person to clarify anything that hasn’t quite landed or to affirm that you’ve gotten things right- which means they will feel validated.

Other People Might Need the Same Things You Need

It’s worth considering that those around us who are hurting might need the same kinds of things that we need when we’re hurting.

Now, on the one hand, we’re all different. No two people have the same needs. But, at the same time, it helps to reflect on what we need when we’re hurting because it can help guide us towards a helpful response to the people who we know who are hurting.

A couple of days ago I reminded us that people who are hurting are difficult to affirm even though they might be the ones who need it the most. It’s likely that receiving affirmation has really helped some of you in the past. And, it’s likely that affirmation will help your hurting loved ones.

Why do I bring this up?

Because we tend to be a bit backwards when it comes to hurting people. We don’t often treat them the way we would want to be treated (yes, The Golden Rule). We instead give advice, or tell them that things will be better soon, or tell them why the problem happened in the first place, etc.

Rarely do we affirm and simply sit with the other person’s struggles. This is a very real spiritual discipline.

Therefore, you should treat people in the same way that you want people to treat you…

Matthew 7:12a

Don’t let any foul words come out of your mouth. Only say what is helpful when it is needed for building up the community so that it benefits those who hear what you say.

Ephesians 4:29

What Do YOU Need When You’re Hurting?

Well, the question is a bit unfair. A lot of us don’t know what we need when we’re hurting, we just know that we hurt.

Perhaps we should ask the question, “What has helped you before, in retrospect?” Hindsight can truly be 20/20.

Spend some time reflecting on this. Make a list.

Try to remember all of the things that helped, no matter how small.

Was it a walk, or exercise? Being in nature? Writing in a journal? A spiritual discipline? A regular phone call or lunch or some other meetup with a friend?

Share your ideas!

Don’t let any foul words come out of your mouth. Only say what is helpful when it is needed for building up the community so that it benefits those who hear what you say.

Ephesians 4:29

People Who are Struggling Are Difficult to Affirm

When someone is struggling they don’t act like their “best selves.” This means they will likely be more irritable and less cheerful. They might be moodier. They might criticize you more, or be more withdrawn, or distracted. In other words, they are going to do fewer activities that seem worthy of affirmation.

The question becomes, then, do we want to respond to this behavior in a way that amplifies it or pacifies it? Do we want to help it become better or worse?

Mostly when someone is driving us nuts we want them to stop doing the things that drive us nuts. However, we respond by settling for fighting fire-with-fire. If someone snaps at me, I snap at them. If someone criticizes me, I criticize them, and so on.

The reality is, in most cases we are not going to argue someone from being irritable into being cheerful. However, showing patience, gentleness, and kindness, might help. We cannot, of course, fix another person’s problems. We cannot coerce someone into going from unpleasant to pleasant. But what we can do is avoid piling on during tough times.

You don’t even have to find something current to affirm. You can simply affirm that person for what they have meant to you. For instance, “I know you know this, but I just wanted to tell you again that you are one of my most valued friends.”

Small things can make a big difference.

Don’t let any foul words come out of your mouth. Only say what is helpful when it is needed for building up the community so that it benefits those who hear what you say.

Ephesians 4:29