Day 26: Patiently Waiting...

Presence – the ability to be fully present and attend to the whole of a person.

How in the world do we practice presence from six feet apart and wearing masks? Please do not misunderstand; I do not happen to be a person who thinks this is an unreasonable request. I just think it is hard for a variety of reasons, including our capacity to practice presence.

For example, I may be thrilled about the possibility of transformation in another person, unmindful that they really aren’t that interested in being transformed themselves. Sometimes people aren’t as ready for change as we are eager to see them transform. We must be wise and willing to allow people to have their own journey – and if we rush them, we are harming ourselves and disrespecting them. They will resent us, and perhaps rightfully so. Our willingness to practice presence is more valuable than any tips we can suggest for change.

Oftentimes the person not ready to to change is….us. Bummer. But that’s ok too. While we lean into our ambivalence there will be plenty of opportunities to notice if our decision to stay the same is more painful than the effort it will take to cooperate with change. If we can seek out people who can practice presence with us, we may find comfort as we try to decide our next right step.

During Advent we wait. After Advent we will wait. In the spiritual life there is a lot of waiting. I guess that’s why patience is a fruit of the Spirit. We are rounding the corner in anticipation of not only Advent, but a new year. I assume it will have its highs and lows like this one did. I pray 2021 is gentler than 2020 was - but who knows?

I pray that you will be patient with yourself, and those you love. God may be working in the silent, unseen spaces. It’s ok to take your time. God’s still at work.

Playing Well With Others

“Faith is a place of mystery, where we find the courage to believe in what we cannot see and the strength to let go of our fear of uncertainty.”

Brene Brown

Michelle is in a pickle. She is legitimately worried about Kevin. Kevin does have a problem. But instead of using the force of her quiet but formidable will, she chooses a different path. See, Michelle has not been sleepwalking through the decades of her marriage; this gal has been taking notes.

She understands that if she is arguing with her husband for change and he is arguing against it, the end result will be disappointing for all concerned. She and Kevin have a pattern when faced with ambivalence (we all do). When Kevin is faced with a request to change his behavior, he gets angry. He starts pacing and waving his arms; he gets annoyed and irritated; he justifies his position and announces his unwillingness to change. This works for Michelle. She can then resort to her patterns of ambivalence and the problem remains unresolved (but she can blame Kevin for it). This does not work for Kevin and Michelle the couple. Michelle has her own ambivalent patterns. She gets defensive, feels overwhelmed by Kevin’s energy and quickly withdraws all of hers. She turns passive, feels discouraged, and disengages. This works for Kevin; but it does not work for Kevin and Michelle the couple. If you’ve been married for 15 minutes or work at a job that requires playing well with others - basically, if you are not living in a cave and eating berries - you know this dance. But have you ever owned your part in it?

How do you respond when someone is trying to “help” you? What does this cost you? Who loses?

* Angry

* Defensive

* Uncomfortable

* Powerless

Working Through Ambivalence

“To love someone fiercely, to believe in something with your whole heart, to celebrate a fleeting moment in time, to fully engage in a life that doesn’t come with guarantees – these are risks that involve vulnerability and often pain. But, I’m learning that recognizing and leaning into the discomfort of vulnerability teaches us how to live with joy, gratitude and grace.”

Brene Brown

Why, after 40 years of a solid marriage and decades of friendship, would Kevin resist the urgings of those he loves to examine his lifestyle and consider making changes?

In a word - ambivalence. And Kevin is not the only one in the system that is ambivalent. Michelle is ambivalent too. She is not interested in rocking the boat to the point of sinking the ship. They have a good life. Several of her friends are going through messy divorces - she doesn’t want that! She just wants Kevin to stop drinking quite so much; she wants to get back to normal. Kevin’s friends are ambivalent as well. They have enjoyed years of golf and beer, fundraisers and wine tastings, dinner and drinks, brunch and margaritas. This is how it has always been - why mess with a good thing? Plus, these guys have mutual business interests. Kevin is a rainmaker (a person who brings clients, money, or prestige to his contacts). No one wants to mess with success! And the kids? One of them agrees with mom and is concerned; the other two think mom is overreacting. Does Michelle want to cause dissension within the family? No she does not.

The place most of us get stuck on the road to change is ambivalence. This is because any invitation to change, especially when it is driven by a legitimate need for change, can be approached from multiple angles. Arguments both for and against change live within each person involved in the situation. This is such an ordinary problem when facing change that I wonder why we do not take it more seriously when we are asking another person to consider changing?

* When you think about changing, what are your pro and con arguments that you hash and rehash in your head?

Hope and Its Eternal Springs

“Hope fills the holes of my frustration in my heart.”

Emanuel Cleaver

The news has not been good lately; I have tried to keep a stiff upper lip and my chin up; it has mostly worked. I’ve used every skill I have learned and gotten back into student mode to learn more. Frankly, the more I learn, the harder it is to NOT get frustrated. What I am learning about resilience, courage, and change is missing in much of our current social environment.

Last night our family got some good news - which felt jarring. I woke up this morning with a little bounce in my step and some energy for the work that lies ahead. One little piece of good news. We did not win the lottery; racial equality has not been achieved; my friends still are diverse and have wildly different opinions about the world and how to make it a better place. (This makes it hard for a person who relies on her friends a LOT for wisdom and perspective.) The news, while good, carries with it no guarantees. There is plenty of room for ambivalence, although it was the best outcome given the circumstances that we as a family could hope for in the summer of 2020.

I’ve never been a big believer in hope and its eternal springs. I’ve tended to think of it as a precious commodity, not to be wasted on trivial matters. When hope shows up I think we should all throw a party, do a little dance...you know the rest. Hope is so powerful that it only takes a smidge to awaken a heart of stone. It has the capacity to override irrational thoughts, questionable fears and legitimate frustrations. It ameliorates depression. Hope and a cup of good coffee can change the world. Sometimes life gets so hard that we miss hope when she shows up for us. Our head is down and we are trudging along; she comes for a visit and we don’t hear her quiet little knock on the door. But here’s the thing about hope: she is one persistent character. She just keeps coming until we notice.

Last night I recognized her visitation in the face of my son; the thumbs up of my husband as I left my zoom lair for the night; the sound of grace and accommodation in the face of a pandemic and I thought, “We are not alone; the world is still a place where God’s Spirit resides and people still incline their head, heart and ears to hear him.” So here’s to you, hope! May we all find some today!

“For the needy shall not always be forgotten, and the hope of the poor shall not perish forever.”

Psalm 9:18

Grief and Loss

But then one regrets the loss even of one’s worst habits. Perhaps one regrets them the most. They are such an essential part of one’s personality.

- Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray[4]

People who study the art of change say that within us lies a lot of ambivalence, even about things we desperately desire to change. This ambivalence is housed in our brain and it makes total sense that our brain would hate change.

The human brain is an amazingly complex organ, but it has one thing in common with my grandfather Bill Murdock. It loves to sit on the porch and smoke a good cigar. The brain loves patterns. It does not much care if its understanding of patterns is actually accurate. It loves to find patterns so that it can take more smoke breaks.

Patterns give the brain the opportunity to go on auto-pilot and catch its breath. My husband, who works from home, sometimes ends up at the gym instead of a scheduled afternoon meeting because he is in the habit of going to the gym in the afternoon as a work break.

If I come home late after a rough day, my brain wants a spoon and a jar of peanut butter because my brain believes that eating peanut butter out of a jar is a wonderful way to deal with stress. It’s paired stress and eating peanut butter and believes it is a pattern my whole being should embrace. But my healthy eating intentions do NOT embrace eating a jar of peanut butter as an after dinner snack. Who wins?

If it is easy and convenient and within reach, the peanut butter wins. My brain is ambivalent about making changes. It liked the old way of dealing with stress it does NOT want to learn new things.

But my brain does not get the final say! Understanding that change is hard and my brain will fight my good intentions at every turn, the peanut butter had to go. Peanut butter is not a bad thing. In fact, it is quite yummy. But I am having to break a bad habit for a good reason.

My brain and I regret the banishment of my little friend peanut butter, but he had to go for a higher purpose.

What do you need to let go of in order to set yourself for transformation? Although we humbly ask God to remove our shortcomings and all that heavy lifting is on him, we still have a part to play in the work of change! What’s yours?