Working Through Ambivalence
“To love someone fiercely, to believe in something with your whole heart, to celebrate a fleeting moment in time, to fully engage in a life that doesn’t come with guarantees – these are risks that involve vulnerability and often pain. But, I’m learning that recognizing and leaning into the discomfort of vulnerability teaches us how to live with joy, gratitude and grace.”
Brene Brown
Why, after 40 years of a solid marriage and decades of friendship, would Kevin resist the urgings of those he loves to examine his lifestyle and consider making changes?
In a word - ambivalence. And Kevin is not the only one in the system that is ambivalent. Michelle is ambivalent too. She is not interested in rocking the boat to the point of sinking the ship. They have a good life. Several of her friends are going through messy divorces - she doesn’t want that! She just wants Kevin to stop drinking quite so much; she wants to get back to normal. Kevin’s friends are ambivalent as well. They have enjoyed years of golf and beer, fundraisers and wine tastings, dinner and drinks, brunch and margaritas. This is how it has always been - why mess with a good thing? Plus, these guys have mutual business interests. Kevin is a rainmaker (a person who brings clients, money, or prestige to his contacts). No one wants to mess with success! And the kids? One of them agrees with mom and is concerned; the other two think mom is overreacting. Does Michelle want to cause dissension within the family? No she does not.
The place most of us get stuck on the road to change is ambivalence. This is because any invitation to change, especially when it is driven by a legitimate need for change, can be approached from multiple angles. Arguments both for and against change live within each person involved in the situation. This is such an ordinary problem when facing change that I wonder why we do not take it more seriously when we are asking another person to consider changing?
* When you think about changing, what are your pro and con arguments that you hash and rehash in your head?
