Positive Faith: Assume the Best

How else can we practice positive faith?

Assume the best of others.

Now, if you haven’t been with me up until now then I know I will have lost you with this one. I am not kidding when I say this is hard work. But I’m also not kidding when I say I believe this is a muscle that we can stretch and grow. Assuming the best is a skill that can be learned.

And maybe assuming the best is asking too much. Perhaps we can simply start by learning not to assume the worst.

How do we do this?

When someone does something that pisses you off and your instincts kick in and tell you it’s because they don’t actually care about your or want to create your downfall or some such thing, follow these steps:

1. Take the time to brainstorm some alternatives. Why else could they be doing this? Might it be just simple carelessness? Might it be an accident? Maybe something happened in their life that threw them off their game?

2. Have conversations with people when they hurt you and allow them to speak to their side of things. You will often find that your assumptions were totally off base once you hear the other person out.

This little exercise trains us, over time, to recognize that the things we assume about people are rarely spot-on- and this helps us manage our assumptions.

Beach Distractions

One evening a man sat in a rickety lawn chair surrounded by pigeons. His chair was festooned with flags which presented onlookers a bit of an insight into his values. When the birds began to wander off, he would toss seeds vigorously into the air and the flock would return to nibble on the bounty. I thought this was a totally freaky sight to behold. Mary Poppins tunes played as a background sound track in my head. Norah paid him no attention.

I was curious about Norah's lack of interest in a sight I considered strange - until I realized that everything about the beach is new to Norah. I tried to notice what Norah noticed - unsullied by her own bad assumptions and judgments and prior experiences. Nature held her spellbound - sand, sea, puddles, sand fiddlers and sand castles. She showed only a slight preference for people her size versus the grown ups who were quite taken with our little running, jumping, laughing sprite in a pink hat and coordinating beachwear. Mostly, she longed to dance in the waves.

One difference between children and us older people seems to be our comparing minds. Shell collectors compare among the millions of tiny shell pieces to find the best shell among the offerings. We adults compare body type and swimwear options or who has the most clever solution for creating shade on a sunny day. Boys check out girls and girls check out boys. Surfer novices side-eye their fellow students. What a distraction!

I wonder how much we miss when we are so distracted by our comparing, judging minds.

Taking Responsibility for Our Interpretations…

It is absolutely true that we do not always get a vote in what happens to us. Years ago when someone hit us head on one rainy morning in November, we were in our lane. Pete was on full alert. He saw the car barreling toward us and he did everything he could to avoid the crash. We still crashed. Our car was totaled. The other driver was declared "at fault". But we were responsible for the clean up. We had to make the insurance claim, we had to get another car, we had to do the medical follow up required for my injuries.

We were also responsible for how we interpreted what happened to us as well as how we responded.

I was initially furious with the young man. I wanted someone else to take responsibility for my problems. Eventually, because my attorney is a great friend and no one else received a head injury like I did - calm prevailed. We chose to see it for what it was - an accident. This young man did not set out to lose control of his car.

Even when it seems like this is not the case - it is always true that we are constantly, actively interpreting and evaluating what is happening. We are jumping to conclusions and making assumptions. Our experiences - which are always limited - are gathered in our brain and shouting out explanations that may not have any basis in reality.

It is absolutely NOT true that if you pay your kid's rent she will be safe. She may not be homeless as a result of your generosity, but that does not guarantee her safety. She is responsible for her safety. Now, can she take full responsibility for her safety and still be unsafe? Absolutely. We do not always control what happens to us. But it is also true that we cannot control what happens to others.

This is why, if we want to grow and change, we need support and feedback. I did not know I had some bad habits that were causing my tennis ball to behave in ways that were frustrating. Who knew that I was taking my racket back way too far? Not me! But my tennis teacher knows, and he also knows how to help me correct my wild swing.

Here is the bottom line: We do not know what we do not know AND we are responsible for figuring what we do not know out if we want to grow up.

What if You’re Wrong?

Jesus showed us that we need to open our minds to think differently (the parables are all written to shock the listener into a new way of seeing, or what about when Jesus said, "you heard it said but I say unto you"...), we need to make different choices (love your enemy he said, visit Samaria he encouraged, love God more than your family is suggested, etc.), that we need to not just assume a feeling is a fact (fear not the angels keep telling us)... We need to get way more curious about things we believe we are right about and the things we think others are wrong about.

Here's my favorite question I hate to ask myself, "What if I am wrong?"

I'd suggest that each of us take a thought, belief, feeling or action that we THINK we are right about and turn it on its head. Let's ask ourselves - what if we are wrong? Go looking for the counter-position. Study it. See what you can learn. But remember - we have to be willing to start from the position of possibly wrong, not a defensive position of condescension.

Qualities of a Good Mediator

“Those who have a strong sense of love and belonging have the courage to be imperfect.”

Brene Brown

Michelle learned in her mediation classes that a good mediator stays neutral, leads with facts, does not attack or accuse. They stick to behaviors without making judgments.

When Michelle decided that the pain of the unspoken embarrassment about the golf weekend was more than she could stand, she took a second run at Kevin. This time, she got her facts straight before she circled back to Kevin.

It KILLED her that all her girlfriends had more information than she did about what happened. Although she had tried to appear nonchalant initially, eventually she had to go to her most trusted friend in the group and get vulnerable.

“I am very uncomfortable and it is affecting all my relationships in the group. You guys know more than I do about the debacle. Kevin is mum. I know this is probably not something you want to share, you may feel like it is gossip, but at this point, doesn’t it seem that the cat is out of the bag and I’m left holding the bag?” Her friend agreed and shared the facts. Michelle was better prepared to talk to Kevin. Tomorrow you will hear what she said, which we actually know because she took notes and memorized a script. Sometimes when things are so very important, this is helpful.

* What facts do you need to gather? What judgments and assumptions do you need to set aside before proceeding with problem solving?

PS. All the blogs about mediation were inspired by a talk given by Denise Carl during a Family Education Meeting one Thursday evening, on August 27th. She referenced Robert Myers as the original source. Mistakes in interpreting Denise’s teaching are all mine. Hers was perfect.