Positive Faith and Sin Part IV

If you’re behind on these posts, click here to visit the whole blog so you can get caught up. Otherwise you might get lost. We wouldn’t want that now, would we?

My experience as a listener suggests that most people are painfully aware that they are not entirely the person they’d like to be (aka, they’re painfully aware of their own sinfulness).

So, given that, what do you think might happen if I see it as my job to make people even more aware of the things that already cause them great pain?

What kind of pastor would I be if I treated you all as if you were dogs that needed to have your nose rubbed in your own pee so you’d stop wetting the rug?

Right- it would not be a good situation. Some people would respond to that by trying to over perform. Some would respond by withdrawing. Some would feel uncomfortable but think to themselves, “Well, this must be how it is.”

In the end, none of these is growing into a more faithful human being.

Positive Faith & Sin Part III

If you’re behind on these posts, click here to visit the whole blog so you can get caught up. Otherwise you might get lost. We wouldn’t want that now, would we?

Over the next few days I’m going to talk about how sin can be handled seriously while still maintaining a positive faith. I’m doing this because there is a stereotype against positive faith- people tend to think that, if you’re being positive, then you’re not taking the hard parts seriously. My argument is: I’m taking the hard parts even more seriously because I want us to do the things that actually help us deal with the hard parts- rather than be stuck in them.

And so- I want to take just a minute, today, to make an observation:

People take their sin unbelievably seriously.

I know, I know. It’s hard to believe. But it’s true. Take it from a (now) professional listener. People tell me all the things they wouldn’t tell anyone else. And, believe me, people take their sin seriously. Even if they don’t call it that. Even if they aren’t people of faith. Every single person I talk to is tremendously concerned with the impact they are having on the world around them.

Now, as people, we don’t always say these things to the people around us. Sometimes we’re defensive. Sometimes we’re scared to be vulnerable (or it’s just hard to be vulnerable- regardless of the emotion involved). The point is, whatever is going on inside us, we don’t always share it.

Because we don’t always share it, people can get the wrong idea. They think we don’t see what’s wrong with ourselves. They think we don’t recognize our own shortcomings and don’t want to deal with them. Now, of course, there is sometimes truth to this. We’re not always aware of every shortcoming we have. But, for the most part, most people are painfully aware that they are not entirely the person they’d like to be.

So, what happens if I tell someone how sinful they are? What happens if I use my “big voice” (as Norah calls it) to remind them of how sinful they are? What would happen if I did that to you?

Imagine it for a moment and we’ll come back to this tomorrow.

Damage Control…

For a month’s worth of posts, I (Scott) am critiquing my own past blog posts. I’m viewing this as an experiment in being willing to admit when I’m wrong, change my mind, and to do so publicly.

From yesterday:  If we can answer questions like this then, hopefully, we gain some insight into what kinds of things are likely to send us spiraling out of control. 

If we gain some insight into what kinds of things are likely to send us spiraling out of control then we can begin to mentally prepare ourselves for our own reactions.  If we can prepare, then we can begin to create space to choose (within reason)  a response to our reactions (as opposed to simply reacting to our reactions).

I know, I know- this sounds too easy.  In many ways, it is too easy.  We’re not always going to be able to choose a response.  Some triggers are so powerful and so deeply ingrained that the only way to come to grips at all is to do meaningful work with a therapist of a long period of time.  The point is not that we can learn how to gain control of ourselves when we’re powerless.  The point is that gaining awareness may make some of our roughest edges a little bit smoother.  

We may learn to “limit the damage.”

2021 Scott chiming in:

Being able to choose a response requires a few things- some practice being mindful about when we’re “triggered,” some safety in the relationship where we’re triggered, some sense of safety in general, and some techniques for calming ourselves down, including some helpful distractions we can engage in to get out of the triggered moment.

Again, this is a big topic- and we’ll find ways to explore it more in the future.

What Will it Take?

For a month’s worth of posts, I (Scott) am critiquing my own past blog posts. I’m viewing this as an experiment in being willing to admit when I’m wrong, change my mind, and to do so publicly.

In retrospect, I can see how I instinctively, subconsciously, choose fights with Brittany as a way to regain a sense of control in my life as I encounter powerlessness.  I do this because my grief, which is un-addressed and unresolved, needs an outlet.  And so I instinctively choose to push someone else down which, in turn, allows me feel comfortable again (or more comfortable anyway) because I have control over something (even if it's something small).  

Do you see the problem?  I hope so.  

I have now made it much more difficult for us to bind together in our grief, process together, and increase our intimacy because I'm settling for a false sense of comfort and control by dealing with my grief only accidentally.  

Scott’s 2021 revisit of this post:

As I said yesterday, I don’t think it’s much help to try to figure out our subconscious. Instead, I asked you to consider what you would like to stop doing (or maybe we could also say start doing) in your life, today, right now. 

Here’s an additional question- what would it take in order to make that change? Do you need to workout? How often? Do you (like me) need more alone time? How much? Do you need a hobby? What would you like to do (or what would you like to get back to)? Do you need more connection? Who could you reach out to?

Doing Things Differently

For a month’s worth of posts, I (Scott) am critiquing my own past blog posts. I’m viewing this as an experiment in being willing to admit when I’m wrong, change my mind, and to do so publicly.

Our subconscious is powerful and cunning.  I do not consciously choose to start fights with Brittany in order to release tension from my suppressed grief.  I do this naturally.  The body instinctively takes what it needs in order to maintain something akin to homeostasis (as close as it can get in difficult circumstances anyway).  

I do not consciously choose to go after her over cleaning either.  Only in retrospect am I able to discern why that area of our life is such an easy target for my practice rounds.  

I also do not consciously view this argument as an attempt to regain control in the face of powerlessness.  Yet, this is exactly what it is.  I know this because I know this:  this particular area is one in which it is easy for me to feel superior.  In reality, I am not superior in any way.  I have my own chores that I ignore for long periods of time or, when I'm not ignoring them, cut corners on, or address them half-heartedly, etc.  In this particular fight I am convinced that, regardless of what Brittany says, I will end up on the moral high ground.  

You see what I'm describing?

Control.  

Scott’s 2021 thoughts on this post:

You should be sensing a theme. I no longer put much stock in the subconscious. Things happen beneath the surface we’re not consciously aware of, of course, but I don’t know that we gain that much by trying to figure them out…because…how do we know if we’re right? 

Instead- I suggest paying attention to things you want to do differently. I wanted to stop blaming my wife for things she didn’t do. In order to do that, I needed to de-stress, in order to do that, I needed some more alone time, and I needed some more hobbies. I could have accomplished all of that without raking myself over the coals for things my mind was doing that I wasn’t aware of.

So- what would you like to do differently?