What NOT to Do!

Here are a few things to NOT do when you are trying to figure out how to thrive. First - suppressing stress does not work. I have a lovely friend who keeps telling me how she is awesome at powering through - and I agree with her. But the stress is building and she is starting to have symptoms, none of which she is able to see as stress related. That's ok. Her body will keep talking until she listens!

An example of another tried-and-failed attempt to manage my life is the ever-popular but still ineffective self-talk around being tough. It's when we keep fighting for what we believe is an important principle even though our attempts are failing miserably. This is fine when we are not stressed out. But when we are freaked out, insecure, neurotic and emotional this is not the time to go to war for our principles. This raises an important point. Standing up for our principles is a core value and often the only thing that stands between good people and evil. Someone stands up against evil, and others benefit. If we want to be a warrior, then it is even more important to handle our stress on all fronts. We do not win when we are surrounded on all sides and stripped of our weapons. On these days we need to ask for help SO THAT we can return to an advocacy role once we recover. I cannot stress this enough. Helpers need breaks. Helpers need to be human beings, even if they get called names in the process. There is no greater stress reliever in the world than to stop caring about what people who do not invest in your wellbeing say about you.

Who are you choosing to be your mirror? Who do you listen to for appropriate feedback?

The Relief of Failure

Perhaps you remember Winston Churchill's quote about failing over and

over with great enthusiasm. This is a mighty fancy reframe of failure that is actually helpful for closing the stress cycle. Once I acknowledged that I was a failure at the very work I had poured myself into for over 20 years, I felt a certain relief, and freedom. My body sighed. Finally. Sounds painful? Yes, it was and IS painful. But not stressful. The stress was when I kept trying to ignore the fact that I am a failure. And trust me, when someone I have known for decades calls me lazy because as a pastor I did not create a parking lot and then host church there during a pandemic - I failed. I failed to communicate what it means to be a Christian and maybe even a pastor for those decades prior to the pandemic. I failed.

During the US Open of 2021 Novak Djokovic was going for a true Grand Slam - winning four Grand Slams in a year and this one was the final jewel he needed to complete his march to victory. During the middle and at the conclusion of the cameras caught him crying. He was not losing after the first set, or the second, he was in the match AND he cried. When he lost, he cried more. Understanding as we do about the stress cycle, Djokovic was closing his cycle with his tears. He described it as a feeling of relief that the pressure was over. I'm sure he was disappointed, but mainly, according to him, he was just relieved. The pressure to succeed was far more stressful than the effort it took him to win, and lose, matches.

I understand. That's how I feel as a failed pastor. It's a relief. I am continuing to fail with great enthusiasm as a pastor. I'm also pursuing a new way of serving that I am excited to try. I could not have taken this course of action so long as I could not admit to my own failings. I have redefined failure for myself as I have stumbled across the surprising benefits of reframing failure as an opportunity. It still hurts; it is still painful; but it is not a waste of suffering. On a teeny tiny scale, like Djokovic, I am relieved that I tried as hard as I could, failed, and can now freely re-evaluate my life choices.

Ok, this is hard. Do it anyway. What's not working for you? Where are you failing? If you need to tell someone, write or call or come over to my house and play pickleball while you unburden yourself by telling me your failings - I am here and ready to listen. I promise. I know you are not lazy.

Finding YOUR Joy!

Without doing my therapy via a blog post, which is really boring and not helpful, let me say this: I found a hard thing to do that fit with what I was learning about myself in therapy. Here's the thing: I needed to find my joy. MY joy. I enrolled in a program that required me to spend money on myself, attend workshops and retreats and write papers and engage with strangers to work toward a goal. It benefited no one but me. It required others to "give" me support while I was "being" a person in search of her joy.

Today, as I write this, I have recently completed my program. In a few minutes, I will push a button (or whatever it requires) and my new website will be launched that will allow me to pursue my same passion in a new and different way. I am pretty darn joyful.

I had many second-thoughts and frustrations along the way. This work required me to dig deep and shift from "human giver" to "human being."

I have accidentally stumbled into the benefits and joys that only came when I was willing to admit that many of my old ways of thinking, doing and feeling were not working for me anymore. Once upon a time, I believe they helped me survive. But I wanted to move beyond that. I want to be a person who thrives.

What's not working for you? What failure do you need to acknowledge?

Dealing With Despair

According to those very smart, very funny Nagoski sisters, our bodies are super smart. Part of us (they call it the Monitor) understands what our goals are, how much effort we are investing in that goal and how much progress we're making.

My Monitor understood during the pandemic that my goal (to help my community survive a pandemic without losing our collective minds) was requiring extreme effort (the things that foster community were not always possible in a lockdown) and we were not making progress (I am called lazy because I cannot figure out how to create a church environment "like the old days"). This blew all my circuits.

Despair, stress on steroids, became my friend - albeit an unwelcome guest. My pit of despair felt deep and wide. Despite what my Monitor was saying, I also have these core values that continually compel me to do things that my Monitor thinks is crazy. Like refuse to give up.

But I needed more support if I was going to get through this battle. How about you? Have you ever been at the end of your rope?

Moving Toward Wellness

In the Nagoski sisters' book, there is an amazing quote,

"Wellness is not a state of being but a state of action."

When we learn how to move through the stress cycle, we are healing; we are moving towards a lifestyle of wellness.

What do you think you need to start taking action on? What's your next right step?