Big T, Little t

We regularly talk about trauma in our community. We define it as either Big T trauma (a one-time cataclysmic event) or Little T trauma (think of it as the steady drip drip drip of being in a non-nurturing environment). These two kinds of trauma make it hard for some of us to recognize that we are experiencing the consequences of living with untreated trauma.

Do you wonder if you might be feeling the effects of trauma? One symptom is feeling different from others. Traumatic experiences (big or little) typically feel surreal. We are likely to minimize or excuse them - especially the Little T traumas. The type of trauma can dictate how an individual feels different or believes that they are different from others. Traumas that generate shame will often leave survivors feeling alienated from others. Feeling bad or fearing that they might behave badly, trauma survivors makes it even more unlikely that they will seek support and healing.

This sneaky trauma response might leave us more brittle and judgmental, or too pliable and people pleasing. Here's my point: it's not enough to just try to behave perfectly or believe flawlessly or better ourselves. We need to give ourselves permission to open up our lens of compassionate self-awareness. Get more curious! Explore the ways our behavior might be more about symptoms than character or competence.

This exploration has been tremendously healing for me; I hope you will consider the possibility that life could get better but the return to joy may require taking the road less traveled.

Final Thoughts on Control…

This month, I (Scott) went through and critiqued a month’s worth of my past posts. There is an awful lot that I hated about my prior posts- mostly the tone that I write with- but also quite a few of the ideas, and perhaps even my approach to life in general. 

I have become softer as I age- but I mean that in a good way (not the way a basketball coach would say it). I more easily recognize the importance of seeking out the good in people, rather than assuming the worst or looking for all the ways they might be self-deceptive or psychologically damaged. 

I no longer feel confident that I know why I do things or that I could figure out why other people do things. However, I do think it’s important to consider how our actions impact each other and to take responsibility for them and to make changes when and where we can. I just don’t necessarily think the “why” helps us do that. 

But mostly- I just see how helpful it is to treat people as if they already are the person they aspire to be. I sincerely think this helps people get closer to being who they want to be. And I think this is how God views us- not as we are- but as the person He will one day make us (or, more precisely, the person he’s in the process of transforming us into…a process which will one day be complete). The following verses speak to this point- and it might be worth spending some time with them today as we wrap up this series:

So then, from this point on we won’t recognize people by human standards. Even though we used to know Christ by human standards, that isn’t how we know him now. So then, if anyone is in Christ, that person is part of the new creation. The old things have gone away, and look, new things have arrived! 

2 Corinthians 5:16-17

Empathy for Outbursts

For a month’s worth of posts, I (Scott) am critiquing my own past blog posts. I’m viewing this as an experiment in being willing to admit when I’m wrong, change my mind, and to do so publicly.

Our unhealthy reactions (or outbursts) to deeper problems that hide beneath the surface represent our body's attempt to distance itself from something unpleasant.  I've used grief as an example this month as grief is what hides beneath the surface for me at the moment.  Other unpleasant things our bodies avoid include: trauma, stress, anxiety, fear, betrayal, threats, the future, the past, the present, the unknown, and so on and so forth.  Each individual person maintains triggers that are particular to him or her and those are simply some of the options.  

The bottom line is, regardless of what triggers us, our reaction to the trigger, when we're unaware of what lies beneath, is unlikely to result in others extending empathy towards us.  This is because our reactions appear so unrelated to the reality of what lies that beneath that the people that are caught up in our outbursts cannot help but feel anything other than confused, annoyed, angry, resentful, etc.  An outburst does not provide the people around us the information they need in our bear a burden alongside us.  

An outburst is a sign that we need help, but people generally don't experience outbursts that way.  It tends to be that people on the receiving end of an outburst see the person who "outbursted" as a person to avoid.  

Scott on Scott:

I actually kind of like this post. It’s important to take time to reflect on how other people are experiencing us. It’s also important to take time to reflect on how we are actually doing. It is, then, important to be able to voice how we are doing to others and to, potentially, ask for what we need (if we need something). This way people can respond to us based on what’s going on with us and what we need rather than just our reactions to things. 

Also, if you want to receive empathy, it’s a good idea to offer as much of it to others as you can (as well as grace).

Embracing Powerlessness

For a month’s worth of posts, I (Scott) am critiquing my own past blog posts. I’m viewing this as an experiment in being willing to admit when I’m wrong, change my mind, and to do so publicly.

There are things in life that we can't control and that we're not happy about.  We have neither the permission to influence these circumstances nor the capacity to do so.  We do not need to judge our initial reaction to these circumstances.  Our reaction is whatever our reaction is and that is acceptable.  But, at the same time, it's important to know when things are far enough outside of our control that there is nothing we can do about it.  

Granted, we will struggle (that is, in the moment) to recognize an encounter with powerlessness unless we're already accustomed to living in reality.  We resist seeing powerlessness for what it is because it confirms one of our deepest fears:  We can't prevent unpleasant things from happening.  Our bodies will go to great lengths in order to protect us from this uncomfortable truth.  Denial is one example of this.  

New Scott v. Old Scott:

You all are probably tired of hearing my new-to-me take on denial. I now believe that denial is the perfectly natural byproduct of being confronted or challenged over something that is somewhat sensitive. 

That said- I largely agree with this post. It is definitely uncomfortable to have unwanted things happen to us in life. There is no “good” way to avoid unpleasant events and unpleasant reactions to events. However, it is helpful for us to be aware that unpleasant events cause chain reactions of feelings and behavior- and we can learn how to better tolerate these reactions and, then, choose responses that are more in-line with who we want to be. 

Defining Control

For a month’s worth of posts, I (Scott) am critiquing my own past blog posts. I’m viewing this as an experiment in being willing to admit when I’m wrong, change my mind, and to do so publicly.

How do we define control?

Control can, of course, mean many different things.  When I refer to things we can  legitimately control I'm using "control" to mean something akin to the exercise of responsibility.  The things that we (appropriately) control in life are things we have both the permission and the capacity to influence (there are surely other factors, but for our purposes I think these two frame the conversation in such a way as to allow us to go fairly deep fairly quickly).  

We become (overly) controlling through distorting one of those two factors:  we either falsely believe we are justified in controlling something that isn't ours to influence or we falsely believe we have the capacity to influence when, in fact, we do not.  A substance use disorder represents a distortion of both factors at once.  When we say, for instance, that we COULD stop but simply do not want to then we are believing two lies:  1. That the s.u.d. itself does not exercise control over us (and, thus, has given us permission to be in charge) and 2. That we have the capacity to influence our s.u.d.  

The same factors apply elsewhere in life.  The limits of control are permission and influence and they vary greatly depending on circumstances.  These two factors combined let us know whether or not something rightly falls within the realm of what is "ours to do."  

My response to me:

I think I agree with this definition- but not so much the example. Substance use does not have unending control over a person- people can change. It requires a focused, dedicated effort and likely to the help and support of a community (be it 12 Step, a counselor, family, friends, whoever). 

And so the issue of what we have the “capacity” to influence is an interesting one (at least to me). We may not always have the capacity to make changes to certain things over night- but we can often start moving in the direction of change. For instance, a person might attend an AA meeting for several months before they have some sobriety time. There was real change on display long before the sobriety happened. This person wanted to make a change, sought help, altered their schedule and routine, etc. etc. in order to change how they relate to alcohol. 

Or- to refer back to yesterday. If something really tragic happens to us, we may not be able to change our difficult feelings immediately- but perhaps we have some acceptance exercises that we rely on that shift us from something like complete resentment to something resembling peace. We did not have the capacity to “change” the thing that happened, but we did have the capacity to change how we related to the thing that happened.

So we may have the capacity to do a lot more than we think (or a lot more than I once thought).