Check Before You Wreck

You better check yourself before you wreck yourself.

Zach Galifianakis and Ice Cube to Bill Maher, Washington Post, June 8, 2017

Eager to win back the attention of his parents, a young man with a few days clean under his belt calls collect from his treatment facility for homeless men to make amends to his parental units. The conversation did not go well. Although most of us prefer a sponsee who steps briskly through the 12 steps, rushing to Step 9 is a rookie mistake.

There is a reason it is Step 9! The first sign of trouble in this young man’s rush to right a broken relationship was obvious. He had expectations. He wanted to end the big chill that had set in between him and his family. The ONLY expectation appropriate for Step 9 is righting a wrong. He was misguided in his motivation.

To avoid such mistakes requires several near certainties:

1. The stepper needs to be well enough and prepared to make an amends that does no further harm. This is the number one priority for anyone trying to make amends. This assessment usually requires wise counsel. We, the offender, may be insensitive to how the offended may feel about our amends. Because we do not want to do additional harm, we need to have a reasonable level of confidence about the approach we take to making the amends. Although direct amends are preferred, they are not always possible. Perhaps we are making peace with someone who is deceased. Maybe we committed a sexual offense and any contact we make would be re-traumatizing. These kinds of issues need to be sorted out (more on this later.)

2. The stepper needs to be reasonably clear on the exact nature of the wrongs he or she is trying to right. No excuses. No justifications. No rationalizations. No blaming.

3. The stepper needs to have no expectations for the outcome. The stepper needs to be able to show up with the right attitude. No one owes us a hearing on our amends. If they agree to a meeting, gratitude is our go to emotion. If we cannot find that awareness, we need to wait on the amends.

4. The stepper needs to be crystal clear on the purpose of the meeting and ask permission from the offender to proceed with the amends. This is not about restoring relationships. This is not done with the hopes that the other person will give us a courtesy amends in return for our efforts.

The work is to admit wrongdoing, discover additional wrongdoing, and make restitution (as defined by the injured party) for the wrong done. That’s it: I was wrong. Did I miss anything? How can I make it right?

The Structure of Amends

The structure of appropriate amends is simple. Not easy, but simple. The discernment and wisdom required to make an amends that meets the requirement of doing “no further harm” is complicated. And amends can go sideways so very, very fast.

The formula for making an amends goes like this:

1. Make an appointment at the convenience of the person you have harmed by disclosing your desire to make amends. (This is far more complicated than it sounds and we will dig into the details later, but this is the first step.)

2. Start with thanking them for meeting you. Remember, they certainly could have told you no! Ask them if it is ok to start the amends. If they agree, proceed.

3. As specifically as you can, without editorializing say: I was wrong when I _______________________________________________________________. List the nature of your EXACT wrongs.

4. After completing the list, you say, “Did I miss anything?” Whatever their response reply, “Thank you.” Now is not the time to ask for details and it certainly is not the time to try to explain yourself. Just receive the information, add it to your list if you agree. If not, you can always circle back around for a follow up conversation later. Do not get distracted. Your mission is to make amends. Period.

5. When you both agree the list is as complete as you can make it, ask this question: “What can I do to make this right?” As long as it is not illegal or immoral, to the best of your ability, use the feedback they provide you to make your wrongs right. That’s all you are trying to accomplish at this moment. Restoration of the relationship is not on the table for discussion. You are simply here to learn how you can begin repairing the damage. Finally, you can conclude, “I’d appreciate your forgiveness. Whether or not you are or will ever be ready to forgive me, I want to make this right.”

Clearly, this is the most basic format and there are many, many concerns to address before we hunker down and start cold calling our harms list. Stay tuned. Wait until all the caveats and warnings and exceptions to the rule of amends making have been shared before proceeding!