The Structure of Amends

The structure of appropriate amends is simple. Not easy, but simple. The discernment and wisdom required to make an amends that meets the requirement of doing “no further harm” is complicated. And amends can go sideways so very, very fast.

The formula for making an amends goes like this:

1. Make an appointment at the convenience of the person you have harmed by disclosing your desire to make amends. (This is far more complicated than it sounds and we will dig into the details later, but this is the first step.)

2. Start with thanking them for meeting you. Remember, they certainly could have told you no! Ask them if it is ok to start the amends. If they agree, proceed.

3. As specifically as you can, without editorializing say: I was wrong when I _______________________________________________________________. List the nature of your EXACT wrongs.

4. After completing the list, you say, “Did I miss anything?” Whatever their response reply, “Thank you.” Now is not the time to ask for details and it certainly is not the time to try to explain yourself. Just receive the information, add it to your list if you agree. If not, you can always circle back around for a follow up conversation later. Do not get distracted. Your mission is to make amends. Period.

5. When you both agree the list is as complete as you can make it, ask this question: “What can I do to make this right?” As long as it is not illegal or immoral, to the best of your ability, use the feedback they provide you to make your wrongs right. That’s all you are trying to accomplish at this moment. Restoration of the relationship is not on the table for discussion. You are simply here to learn how you can begin repairing the damage. Finally, you can conclude, “I’d appreciate your forgiveness. Whether or not you are or will ever be ready to forgive me, I want to make this right.”

Clearly, this is the most basic format and there are many, many concerns to address before we hunker down and start cold calling our harms list. Stay tuned. Wait until all the caveats and warnings and exceptions to the rule of amends making have been shared before proceeding!