Check Before You Wreck
You better check yourself before you wreck yourself.
Zach Galifianakis and Ice Cube to Bill Maher, Washington Post, June 8, 2017
Eager to win back the attention of his parents, a young man with a few days clean under his belt calls collect from his treatment facility for homeless men to make amends to his parental units. The conversation did not go well. Although most of us prefer a sponsee who steps briskly through the 12 steps, rushing to Step 9 is a rookie mistake.
There is a reason it is Step 9! The first sign of trouble in this young man’s rush to right a broken relationship was obvious. He had expectations. He wanted to end the big chill that had set in between him and his family. The ONLY expectation appropriate for Step 9 is righting a wrong. He was misguided in his motivation.
To avoid such mistakes requires several near certainties:
1. The stepper needs to be well enough and prepared to make an amends that does no further harm. This is the number one priority for anyone trying to make amends. This assessment usually requires wise counsel. We, the offender, may be insensitive to how the offended may feel about our amends. Because we do not want to do additional harm, we need to have a reasonable level of confidence about the approach we take to making the amends. Although direct amends are preferred, they are not always possible. Perhaps we are making peace with someone who is deceased. Maybe we committed a sexual offense and any contact we make would be re-traumatizing. These kinds of issues need to be sorted out (more on this later.)
2. The stepper needs to be reasonably clear on the exact nature of the wrongs he or she is trying to right. No excuses. No justifications. No rationalizations. No blaming.
3. The stepper needs to have no expectations for the outcome. The stepper needs to be able to show up with the right attitude. No one owes us a hearing on our amends. If they agree to a meeting, gratitude is our go to emotion. If we cannot find that awareness, we need to wait on the amends.
4. The stepper needs to be crystal clear on the purpose of the meeting and ask permission from the offender to proceed with the amends. This is not about restoring relationships. This is not done with the hopes that the other person will give us a courtesy amends in return for our efforts.
The work is to admit wrongdoing, discover additional wrongdoing, and make restitution (as defined by the injured party) for the wrong done. That’s it: I was wrong. Did I miss anything? How can I make it right?
