A Husband…

"Success at the highest level comes down to one question: Can you decide that your happiness can come from someone else's success?"

Bill Walton

My greatest influencer has been my husband. He has seen me at my worst and stayed. He has enormous amounts of patience and the capacity to play with our children and grandchildren for endless hours no matter what else is vying for his attention. He's the kind of guy that includes people and collaborates. He's the one to call when our health insurance company accidentally canceled all our various family member's insurance policies. He's patient and has a natural ability to listen to customer service representatives as they explain to him why they cannot help him and yet, eventually do.

He has a natural capacity to really listen to people and help solve problems so that organizations and teams he supports have a better chance of achieving their goals. I have other influencers in my life with this uncanny ability to support the dreams of others - they are pretty magical people. I have a dear friend and daughter who also exude this willingness to sacrifice over and over for those they love. Truly, these folks are willing to go to great lengths without receiving credit for their efforts so long as their efforts improve the condition of those they serve.

Could this be you? Can you think of others in your life who have this capacity and inspire you?

No More Pretending…

My husband and I work hard to say no and hear no from one another. This is not how we started marriage. The first eight to ten years, we kept trying to guess what would make the other person happy and do that. It created a lot of suboptimal situations and resentment.

We would decide to go out to eat and hem and haw about where we wanted to go. I'd try to pick a place I thought he loved and later I found out he was doing the same. Often we ended up at a place neither one of us really wanted to go. When we went out to play tennis, in an effort to make me feel better, he would return a ball I hit out without calling it out. This infuriated me. It felt patronizing and besides, if I saw the ball go out I was never in any position to return the shot he sent back over the net. Finally, we got sick and tired of this little game of guessing and decided to get honest - even when it caused conflict.

It has taken quite a while for us to get on track with this, but it is a much more fun way to live. We have more initial conflict over burgers versus sushi, but ultimately if we end up with a third but equally satisfying option to both of us, it's ultimately a big win.

In what ways have you tried to create intimacy in a relationship by pretending? It really does not work well, does it? Today, I am extremely secure in my marriage because I have empirical evidence that my husband loves me for who I am, not who I pretend to be in a vain attempt to keep us happy.

Beware of the Shared Enemy

What is the value of a "shared enemy"? It is a quick but fake way to build a sense of connection. A few years ago, before the world closed for the pandemic, Pete and I were given the lovely opportunity to go to a UVA football game in the middle of our vacation. Pastor's families do not get lots of opportunities to go to weekend sporting events, so this was a treat. It had been awhile since we had seen our alma mater play football and we were happy to drive up from our vacation rental for a game.

It rained. It poured. It was like a monsoon without rescue boats. Pete wanted to stand under the shelter but I figured we were already drenched, what good would that do? I wanted to sit among our people and root for the home team. It turns out, it is possible to get so wet under these conditions that you cannot even peel cash out of your wallet to buy a hot chocolate. Water pools in places that I cannot disclose on a blog. But it was a blast!

Our fellow Wahoos joined together and cheered and jeered and smiled and rolled our eyes at one another with great abandon - although we personally knew not one soul around us. We bonded over the insanity of sitting in a pool of water as the field began to look better suited for the swim team than football.

It was completely fake. It felt good, but it wasn't real. We do not really know any of those people. We shared a moment, not a life. And that's the problem with gaining connection by bonding with folks who think and feel and believe as we do. There is no "ironing sharpening iron" as the proverbs encourage. There is no conflict or opportunities to question ourselves. This is bad. Very very bad.

Try not to bond over a "shared enemy" if you can help it. Because it may unintentionally put people you love in the category of "enemy" and that, that right there? That would be a tragedy.

Accidents Happen

I, like my friend, and maybe like you, have grown up worrying about the reaction of other people to my choices. I have feared several things: disapproval, conflict, hurt feelings...but especially I have feared finding out that I might be wrong or bad. These things - wrong and bad - are kind of measurable. And the facts are in at my age - I'm not bad. I do some things poorly because I'm not Wonder Woman, but I am not bad. Most people are not bad even though many of us are afraid of being bad. Truly bad people NEVER think they are bad - so, if you worry about being bad - you can rest assured you are ok.

Now - being wrong is a different kettle of fish. We are all wrong a lot of the time. This is how we learn. My granddaughter confessed a wrongdoing recently to her Pops and me. We answered in unison, "Accidents happen." She replied, "I know you sillies." I hope we keep reminding our grandchildren in a million little ways that being wrong is human and brings opportunities that being right cannot provide.

We also want to teach them that decent humans understand that it is unreasonable to expect people to get along 100% of the time - again, a lesson I was slow arriving at. People with healthy skills are not afraid of conflict, arguments, or getting hurt. They accept these experiences as part and parcel of the human condition.

Healthy people do not need to care about or agree upon the exact same things. They care about the people they love - whether or not their views align, their hobbies mesh or they pull for the same sports teams. If different opinions causes a rift in the relationship that cannot be bridged, then the relationship may be built on the shaky foundation of the stuff Brené Brown calls, "shared enemy". More on that tomorrow.

Piano Lessons and Letting Go…

Our grandson Christian is taking piano lessons. So am I. He and I agree that we do not like to work on correct fingering technique. Sometimes it's ok to cross that thumb under my middle finger and continue up a scale, but other times my fingers have a different opinion than the writer of the music lesson.

He and I were talking about our shared dislike for being told what fingers to use and he asked a great question. "Who even decided which finger we have to use Meme?" I mean, come on - the kid is smart but I have more experience!

Here's the thing. I do not know who decides the fingering system for piano lessons, but I know one thing for sure: they know more about playing the piano than I do. So I suck it up and follow the instructions. Meanwhile, Christian wants to talk to a higher authority about this miscarriage of justice. If this continues, I will make more progress than Christian will with my technique. I will be less frustrated. I will have few appointments with the higher ups. Although I appreciate his curiosity and I admire his desire to "do it his way", I am old enough to know that some things are NOT worth fighting over. Fingering on piano music is one of those things.

Sometimes all of us care TOO MUCH about things that do not matter. This saps us of energy for the things that really, really matter. And although sometimes questioning authority, taking initiative and finding creative new approaches to old ways of doing things is awesome - when over-used, it can make life harder than it needs to be for everyone.

I am in the process of explaining such things to Christian. I hope I will have many more opportunities to engage him in conversations about what to care about and what to let go. It has certainly taken me decades to reach this conclusion, but my life is more serene as a result of caring less.

What about you? What have you cared too much about? What do you need to let go of?