The Truth About Loneliness

It FEELS like loving people should not be lonely. It FEELS like loving our spouse and kids and friends and community should fill our love buckets to the brim and overflowing. And if I have to choose between the life I have - one with a spouse who is still my boyfriend, great kids who keep providing me more people to love by marrying and having children, friends I have had and loved for eons (one since we were months old) versus a life of isolation - I CHOOSE MY LIFE. My love bucket is filled to the brim and overflowing and I know how absolutely blessed I am to have it.

And I am lonely. Not all the time, but enough to know that loneliness is not an indicator of how much one loves or is loved.

Loneliness has been demonized as a function of depression or seasonal affective disorder - and I am sure that is true and good to know. Loneliness is a feature of postpartum depression and dementia and alcohol use disorder. If you google it, nothing positive pops up. There are loneliness quotes, synonyms and symptoms. There are articles on the science of loneliness and how it can kill you. All very dire stuff and probably true enough.

Monophobia is a disorder that describes an extreme fear of being alone and it explains that sufferers are incapable of functioning solo. Deprived of company, they experience panic attacks and are often gripped by a paralyzing fear of death.

I wonder if all this fear mongering about loneliness has marginalized us from some of the more healthy spiritual practices that might just help us grow spiritually?

I continue to be struck by the outrage of Americans demanding to return to church in the middle of a pandemic. Are they right? Is failing to congregate going to be as deadly as COVID-19?

Let’s explore that. Stay tuned.

When Jesus heard what had happened, he withdrew by boat privately to a solitary place.

Matthew 14:13 NIV

Cultivating Conscious Contact with Others

As a way to connect, I also walk with friends or my husband in a meditative way. This walk may include conversation or we may commit to silence. Either way, when I take this kind of walk, I like to collect a stone along the way. I have a container I am filling up with these pebbles of connection. As I sit at my desk and try to work via zoom, this container reminds me that I am not alone or as disconnected as I sometimes feel.

What visible reminders do you have to help you focus on your intentions and your reality? Not the reality that others try to tell us is true; but the reality that is our lived experience.

Are we as isolated as the pandemic would have us believe? We have friends who we love to play bridge with, but that has not been possible during lockdown. But guess what? My creative friend found a way for us to play together online.

Can we find a way to increase our conscious contact with God and OTHERS?

No one called you lately? No worries, it turns out that our phones also have the capacity to dial out!

Today, however you find a way for quiet solitude with God, maybe leave that space and reach out to someone who may not be able to reach out to others right now - expecting nothing in return. I know in our insecurity it might feel a bit vulnerable to do so, do it anyway.

Healing Through Connection

I appreciate the stories people tell me through the various ways we are connecting during this pandemic season. I am not so thrilled about the content. It seems that there is more keeping us apart than a virus. Our different opinions are separating us, our political preferences are dividing us. Our interpretation of current events fills us with certainty but also creates a chasm between us and others. This is damaging to so much more than the economy or the political process. It is wrecking our mental health and battering our capacity for resilience.

Centering prayer and meditation causes our brain to light up in the same way that it does when we are experiencing a secure attachment relationship. This validates our hope that we will improve our conscious contact with God when we pray. We are making a connection!! If isolation is part of the disease of substance use disorder, then our current situation is creating a petri dish where use disorders will flourish. Connection is part of the treatment; it serves as good preventative medicine; it heals that which has been broken.

This privilege, to connect with God, invites God to do deep work within us. It is union with the divine. It helps cultivate lovely things like love and empathy and compassion.

I know that all the cool kids will enjoy their arguing and certainty. Thus is life.

But for the rest of us. Those who long for a life that is filled with love and joy and peace. This is a way we find it.

Today, see if you can spend a few minutes sitting in quiet awe of a God who shows up for you.

How Do You Show Up?

Thus far in these blogs we’ve moved from isolation to connection.  We talked about finding support and holding; we talked about the awkwardness of approaching a person, group or community for support only to find out that they weren’t handing out that particular kind of support.  Or, in a really spooky turn of events, going for support and finding a community that begs you to support them.

In all these scenarios, honesty and vulnerability really help.  It can mend small tears in the tapestry of tribal life when we all understand each other’s needs and wants.  Usually a fit can be found - even if it takes a while.

Eventually, at some point, if we are going to mature and thrive, we need to get a handle on our readiness to move from asking to be served and becoming a servant.  This, it turns out, does not require anything formal, like a job description, because this is more of a calling.  

At some point, whether it is 10 weeks or 20 years as part of a community, a pivot might be appropriate, even required, in some communities based on their value propositions.  Listen up - no pivot is required in a community like ours.  Pivoting is not our core value.  BUT.  It is a necessary step in the transformation process.  No one needs to take that step, especially if they need support and holding in our community.  But it is good for everyone to sort of understand that going into the relationship.  

At some point it becomes more blessed to give than to receive if one is going to develop into a person who can live in mutuality with others.  There may come a time when we look around and say, “This is not ABOUT what I need or want.”  This is not the ONLY feeling one would have in a community, because we all oscillate between needing and wanting and giving and blessing others with our Super Powers.  But it would seem that in the grand scheme of things, the lottery winners among us are those who have the capacity to sprinkle in giving and blessing with their wanting and needing.  

If this is true, then there is some structure to our taking responsibility plus seeking accountability.  Stay tuned.  We’ll get into that tomorrow.  For now, ask yourself:  how do I show up for life?  Do I state my needs and wants so as to help my community understand how to respond?  Do I have no needs and wants, just a ton of expectations of others?  Am I agile - able to receive and give as needed?  Where am I looking for support and who am I supporting?  How do others experience me?

Healing Through Community

Here are my old lady observations on the subject of community and its relationship to accountability, responsibility, and core values….

Isolation is terrible for mental health - but just being around people is not an automatic cure-all. At certain times in our life we need to reach out to community (however you define that) and ask them to hold and serve us. It might start with a therapist, or a visit to the ER. It might be finding a local club that fits your interests, mutual aid society or church. It is totally normal to have seasons where we show up and say, “AHHHHHHH…..” my people. And if it is an appropriate place to get these needs met, and the community has the tools it needs, this can be an amazing time for healing.

There will come a time when that itch is thoroughly scratched, and we begin to say, “What next?” If we need more support and holding, we need to define another need and find another community to scratch that little place on our back that we cannot reach. “AHHHHHHH…..” It may be a different therapist or a new home group or a new hobby or even a new church.

This is one helpful way to interact with community. It can serve us reasonably well. If our deepest need and core values are to find support and healing, then this is one way to achieve that and it is awesome if we can continue to seek and find.

Tomorrow, a further discussion on community holding and supporting.