Positive Faith & Sin Part 6 (Roman Numerals suck after V)

If you’re behind on these posts, click here to visit the whole blog so you can get caught up. Otherwise you might get lost. We wouldn’t want that now, would we?

Yesterday we talked about how confrontation does not help us grow into people of God. In fact, confrontation leads to denial. This means that we are less likely to work on the things we might want to work on in order to grow into people of God if we’re confronted.

It’s actually acceptance that leads to growth and change- the very thing God promises and offers. When we are accepted and loved and treated as a part-of, we’re able to confront the discrepancy between who we are and who we’d like to be and start to consider what it would look like in order to make changes.

Acceptance is what allows us to confront ourselves and acceptance paves the pathway for growth. To put it differently- acceptance is the thing that puts us in tune with God’s voice.

So, then, it might be a pretty good idea to be…well…soft on sin.

Careful Self-Appraisal…

I failed at self-compassion but my mentors did not. They simply kept mirroring it to me until finally I believed them. They gave me gifts and said kind things to me. They backed up their feedback with data. They did not tolerate my false humility or other tricks to play small.

Here is another thing I have learned. Healing hurts. It really hurts. Our old ways of thinking, feeling and behaving no longer fit our new, changing, growing selves. There are growth pains associated and change is hard.

But here's what's harder: living life completely stressed out, inauthentically and without joy.

The strength that grows from willingness to change does not mean that everything turns out peachy and success is assured. In fact, I continue to fail regularly with great enthusiasm. The difference for me is that success and failure are not longer gauges that determine my sense of well-being.

When we are free of the sting that comes from this false notion that somehow success is required to have a good life, we are actually more prone to improve our lives. Here's how it's working for me.

Suppose I receive feedback that indicates that I did not succeed. Instead of beating myself up, and because, frankly, I don't really care that much about success anymore, I ask: "Is there more I can be doing?"

Sometimes the answer is, "I've done all I can do." This is often the answer. I accept it and move on. Other times the answer is, "I could do a little more." And then I decide if I PREFER to do so. Maybe I decide I do not prefer to do a little more because I really am not invested enough in a different outcome to put in the extra effort.

This is a constant exercise in self-reappraisal. Doing our best may not be that great, but if it is our best, it's all we've got and we are less stressed out if we accept that. I will never be a piano player in public. My playing would scare small children. But I do love practicing and it is beneficial for me. I do not consider it a waste of time because my goal is not to succeed at it.

So now, let's think about what your goals are. Consider a careful self-reappraisal. Are you wasting energy trying to be successful in areas where "good enough" is all that is necessary? Can you squeeze in more rest as you loosen the chains of achievement?

What If it Works?

Our tendency to redouble our efforts, to love the devil we know rather than explore different options, is caused by the changes stress creates as it relates to decision-making. The more stressed we feel about change, the less likely we are to change.

In the early days of the pandemic, Pete's office went to full on virtual working. Pete has always worked mostly from home, so this was not a change for him. His team had a huge adjustment. They needed to find a place at home to set up their laptops and join zoom calls without revealing their sloppy housekeeping. Folks needed to figure out a mute button so that the barking dog or yelling kids (or spouse) did not disrupt meetings. There was so much complaining! Pete did not understand it. Most of his team had a 90 minute commute each way to work - on a good day. Parking in D.C. costs as much as many people spend on their entertainment budget per month! What's wrong with this picture? Virtual working is awesome according to Pete.

A year later, his team agrees. Productivity has increased. People have figured out that having an extra 180 minutes a day is pretty sweet. Spare bedrooms have become home offices. Parents have more time with their kids even though sometimes there are awkward interactions, like the time someone's toddler appeared in the screen lamenting, "Dad, can you please come wipe my butt?"

When we are afraid and anxious, it is harder to think about making changes. But change can be a blessing. One way to try to shake up your survival instincts is to start asking a different question, "What if this works?"

So...explore! What change have you been contemplating? Flooded with doubt and indecision? Ask yourself, "What if this works?"

Navigating Your Growth Path

When I got to the end of my rope and let go, it did not mean I gave up. I continued to practice the things that I ask others to do in recovery - exercise, eat healthily, get sleep, phone a friend, ask for hugs, lean in. But I also knew that I needed MORE.

So I reassessed. I acknowledged how difficult things actually were for me. I told my friends. I spilled the beans to my husband. I even told my kids. This was not natural nor was it voluntary. It was my children who first called my attention to my despair, "Mom, you do not seem yourself." Over and over they said it until I could agree.

Next, I tried to apply what I would tell someone else in my situation. I spent one day in front of a roaring fire with an afghan and a bottomless up of coffee (decaf). I decided that I was standing at a crossroads and although I did not know which road to travel, I accepted that I was staring into the face of opportunity.

I also chose to study the masters, my friends who do hard things well. What I noticed is that the suffering ultimately can be beneficial and I couldn't help but notice that doing HARD things seems to build more muscles than doing EASY things. I want to be strong in a healthy way. I do. I do not want to live with a vague sense that I have somehow allowed myself to be a victim of my circumstances.

So what could I do? Stay tuned. But before you leave, think about who you want to be - do you want to be the person who would rather change their circumstances so that they feel more comfortable or do you want to be the kind of person who is willing to change yourself and shift your goals as needed to continue on a growth path?

What Will it Take?

For a month’s worth of posts, I (Scott) am critiquing my own past blog posts. I’m viewing this as an experiment in being willing to admit when I’m wrong, change my mind, and to do so publicly.

In retrospect, I can see how I instinctively, subconsciously, choose fights with Brittany as a way to regain a sense of control in my life as I encounter powerlessness.  I do this because my grief, which is un-addressed and unresolved, needs an outlet.  And so I instinctively choose to push someone else down which, in turn, allows me feel comfortable again (or more comfortable anyway) because I have control over something (even if it's something small).  

Do you see the problem?  I hope so.  

I have now made it much more difficult for us to bind together in our grief, process together, and increase our intimacy because I'm settling for a false sense of comfort and control by dealing with my grief only accidentally.  

Scott’s 2021 revisit of this post:

As I said yesterday, I don’t think it’s much help to try to figure out our subconscious. Instead, I asked you to consider what you would like to stop doing (or maybe we could also say start doing) in your life, today, right now. 

Here’s an additional question- what would it take in order to make that change? Do you need to workout? How often? Do you (like me) need more alone time? How much? Do you need a hobby? What would you like to do (or what would you like to get back to)? Do you need more connection? Who could you reach out to?