Breathing with Intention

As I mentioned in previous posts, my physician, apprised of my situation, continued to be amazed that my bloodwork did not reflect a woman living in high, prolonged stress. But I was indeed living with grief and loss and the kind of stress that made me want to run and kick and bite and scratch. Exercise helped but so did breathing. The practices that I had used for years were mitigating the effects of my stress on my body but I knew it was only a matter of time before my body would break down.

Deep, slow breaths down regulate the stress response especially if the exhale is long and slow. This is not helpful in high stress situations, but it is effective if you are living with the aftermath of trauma. Breathe in, count to five, hold the breath for five, exhale for five...there you go, you just helped move the needle on your stress cycle.

I tend to do my mindfulness practices in the morning. Maybe this is ideal because no one has done anything quite yet to set my ever loving last nerve on edge. But I suspect that anytime is better than not doing it at all.

How often do you breathe in and out with intention?

Sit and Listen to Your Heart

"There is a candle in your heart, ready to be kindled. There is a void in your soul, ready be filled. You feel it, don't you?" Rumi

I hope you can find some time to sit in silence. Feel your heartbeat. Know that your life is richer than your bank account and more meaningful than the experiences you long for in order to add some spice to life. I pray you know that you are complete as you are and a relationship is not required for you to feel complete.

You are whole.

You are not broken beyond repair.

Repair may be needed but not because you are broken. Restoration is necessary because we are human and we break. The world is often hostile to the things of God. Created in his image, we will have troubles. (There is a teaching of Jesus that specifically reminds us of this.). This trouble is not because other people hate God - so this is not a persecution thing. It is a human condition.

Sit and listen to your heart. Watch and wait for the Lord to reveal himself to you in your ordinary, everyday life. Cooperate with him. Test and see if maybe Rumi is onto something.

Checking Up and Checking In

For a month’s worth of posts, I (Scott) am critiquing my own past blog posts. I’m viewing this as an experiment in being willing to admit when I’m wrong, change my mind, and to do so publicly.

Yesterday I gave a series of sample questions to ask yourself periodically as a sort of mental and emotional “check up”.  This is a way of getting to the bottom of the question, “How am I doing?”  

Why do I recommend this?  

Triggers are not always attached to some distant thing in the past.  Sometimes, as is the case with what I described between myself and Brittany, triggers are the result of some powerful stressor that comes from some other place in life.  It is easy, at times, to move ahead with life so quickly that we do not create time or space to consider how we are doing.  This means there are times where we legitimately do not know (or simply are not consciously aware of) how we are doing.  If we don’t know, we’re unlikely to respond to triggers and difficult situations well.  We’re simply unprepared.  

Scott from the future:

Checking in with yourself is essentially a meditative, mindful exercise that helps you go through life more aware. When you’re more aware you can more quickly deal with the actual problems you have (as opposed to the surface-level problems like dirty dishes). You can have more open, honest conversations that increase and deepen intimacy. You can resolve conflict easier, you are better prepared to empathize, etc. It’s a good idea.

Damage Control…

For a month’s worth of posts, I (Scott) am critiquing my own past blog posts. I’m viewing this as an experiment in being willing to admit when I’m wrong, change my mind, and to do so publicly.

From yesterday:  If we can answer questions like this then, hopefully, we gain some insight into what kinds of things are likely to send us spiraling out of control. 

If we gain some insight into what kinds of things are likely to send us spiraling out of control then we can begin to mentally prepare ourselves for our own reactions.  If we can prepare, then we can begin to create space to choose (within reason)  a response to our reactions (as opposed to simply reacting to our reactions).

I know, I know- this sounds too easy.  In many ways, it is too easy.  We’re not always going to be able to choose a response.  Some triggers are so powerful and so deeply ingrained that the only way to come to grips at all is to do meaningful work with a therapist of a long period of time.  The point is not that we can learn how to gain control of ourselves when we’re powerless.  The point is that gaining awareness may make some of our roughest edges a little bit smoother.  

We may learn to “limit the damage.”

2021 Scott chiming in:

Being able to choose a response requires a few things- some practice being mindful about when we’re “triggered,” some safety in the relationship where we’re triggered, some sense of safety in general, and some techniques for calming ourselves down, including some helpful distractions we can engage in to get out of the triggered moment.

Again, this is a big topic- and we’ll find ways to explore it more in the future.

Own It

For a month’s worth of posts, I (Scott) am critiquing my own past blog posts. I’m viewing this as an experiment in being willing to admit when I’m wrong, change my mind, and to do so publicly.

...continued from yesterday...

In order to learn something from our outbursts, we need to be willing to rigorously examine ourselves in the aftermath.  If we assume we were in the right and the other person was in the wrong, there is nothing to be gained.  In (almost) any fight, both parties are wrong, though to varying degrees.  One party may have more stuff to own than the other, but this does not mean the person with less has permission to avoid self-examination.  

We ask ourselves, “Where did I go wrong?”  “In what ways did I contribute to the mess?”  In other words, we start with the assumption that we did contribute and then work our way backwards towards the truth.  

If we begin with the assumption that we weren’t wrong and did not contribute to the mess, we will struggle to find evidence to the contrary.  

New Scott vs. Old Scott:

I totally agree with myself! It is crucially important in the aftermath of a conflict to seek out things you can take ownership of to the person you had conflict with. It is a huge trust and relationship builder if we can get ahead of these things. Owning mistakes before they’re brought to your attention is a relationship game-changer. 

Now, this is hard to do. We have blind spots. So- if you can’t figure out where you “went wrong” and  the other person points something out- then that’s also great. Work on being mindful of your defensiveness and choosing to set it to the side in order own your mistakes.