Deal With It….

For a month’s worth of posts, I (Scott) am critiquing my own past blog posts. I’m viewing this as an experiment in being willing to admit when I’m wrong, change my mind, and to do so publicly.

When we're confronted with powerlessness our bodies intuitively seek something else to be in control of.  We will find a situation or person less powerful than ourselves that we can push lower to keep some (false) sense of internal balance. 

Again- think of the example I keep returning to of fighting over the cleanliness of the house.  I keep bringing this up because this is a common dynamic in my house.  This has actually happened.  

Brittany and I are grieving three lost pregnancies.  She tends to deal with grief (in the short term anyway) through busying herself, and our adoption process and her home business have provided her plenty of opportunities to be busy.  I distract myself with reading and researching whatever my latest interest is.  

Neither of us has done a great job of facing the grief head on.  It hovers beneath the surface of things.  I get periodic reminders each day in the form of a loose thought or feeling that escapes my chamber of denial to bring to the surface the grief I'm trying to suppress.  

This is the exact recipe that creates fights over issues that are not really the issue.  

2021 Scott looks back:

There is no question that deep grief, and other life challenges, pull the rug out from under us. When we’re dealing with something difficult and complicated we are rarely able to access the “best” version of ourselves. And we need to do something about it. The emotional consequences of big life events do not normally just go away with time- we have to find some way to confront them and deal with them. That can look very different from person to person, but I do believe that finding ways to deal with what’s happened to us is important- otherwise some instincts tend to kick in that might not serve us or our loved ones particularly well.

Some things to consider that might help you deal with hard times: reading, writing, journaling, painting, music, and/or other creative projects (creative projects tend to be very healing). Other options include counseling, support groups, opening up to friends, finding a new hobby, taking a break from your normal obligations, and many more.

What are some things that have helped you heal?

From Powerlessness to Acceptance

For a month’s worth of posts, I (Scott) am critiquing my own past blog posts. I’m viewing this as an experiment in being willing to admit when I’m wrong, change my mind, and to do so publicly.

When we protect ourselves from uncomfortable truths we simultaneously prevent ourselves from discovering the appropriate response to our circumstances because we are not aware of even the need to respond.  Instead we live in reactivity, which is to say, we live un-consciously, allowing our response to the experience to remain hidden from view while our reactions wreak havoc in other unrelated areas.  

For example, we may argue with a partner over the house being dirty to release uncomfortable emotions hidden beneath the surface.  In reality, the only way to release (or let go of) the grief (or whatever uncomfortable thing you're coping with) beneath the surface is to acknowledge and sit with the grief.  When we aren't aware of how powerless we are, or when we fight our encounter with powerlessness, we commit ourselves to the ongoing insanity of letting out the tension beneath the surface only accidentally (as in the dirty house example).  

Accidental releases of tension provide a few minutes of relief, but they never satisfy us in the long run.

2021 Scott thoughts on Scott:

My biggest thought as I continue to read these is how mean I sound in print. Someone should have told me! (Just kidding. No blame shifting here.)

These days I really prefer the term acceptance to powerlessness. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with the term powerlessness, of course, it’s just a word. And it happens to be a word with a long and fruitful history in recovery circles. 

I still struggle with reactivity- just as I did when I originally wrote this post. I am improving in the acceptance department though- and this really helps. 

Let’s be honest- a bulk of my conflict (and therefore reactivity) happens in marriage because it’s my “biggest” relationship. One of the other things I see happening over time is that I feel safer as time goes on. I learn that disagreements get resolved, I learn that Brittany and I can work to prioritize each other’s needs, and so on. It can’t be overstated how important a sense of “life safety” is- a sense that you’re seen, understood, and cared for, in managing stress, anxiety, reactivity, and so on. 

So rather than putting all the responsibility on ourselves to be less reactive, perhaps we should also consider prioritizing safe relationships.

Embracing Powerlessness

For a month’s worth of posts, I (Scott) am critiquing my own past blog posts. I’m viewing this as an experiment in being willing to admit when I’m wrong, change my mind, and to do so publicly.

There are things in life that we can't control and that we're not happy about.  We have neither the permission to influence these circumstances nor the capacity to do so.  We do not need to judge our initial reaction to these circumstances.  Our reaction is whatever our reaction is and that is acceptable.  But, at the same time, it's important to know when things are far enough outside of our control that there is nothing we can do about it.  

Granted, we will struggle (that is, in the moment) to recognize an encounter with powerlessness unless we're already accustomed to living in reality.  We resist seeing powerlessness for what it is because it confirms one of our deepest fears:  We can't prevent unpleasant things from happening.  Our bodies will go to great lengths in order to protect us from this uncomfortable truth.  Denial is one example of this.  

New Scott v. Old Scott:

You all are probably tired of hearing my new-to-me take on denial. I now believe that denial is the perfectly natural byproduct of being confronted or challenged over something that is somewhat sensitive. 

That said- I largely agree with this post. It is definitely uncomfortable to have unwanted things happen to us in life. There is no “good” way to avoid unpleasant events and unpleasant reactions to events. However, it is helpful for us to be aware that unpleasant events cause chain reactions of feelings and behavior- and we can learn how to better tolerate these reactions and, then, choose responses that are more in-line with who we want to be. 

Are You Trying to Change the Wrong Things?

For a month’s worth of posts, I (Scott) am critiquing my own past blog posts. I’m viewing this as an experiment in being willing to admit when I’m wrong, change my mind, and to do so publicly.

There are times in life, of course, when things are mostly outside of our control, which is to say, our influence over these events is small but we have some level of permission to attempt to influence them.  There are things that are mostly within our control (we have permission to influence and our potential to influence is high).  As far as this particular discussion goes, I'm not concerned with these grey areas.  I'm choosing to ignore them.  I'm not doing so because I doubt they exist (I believe they do), I'm ignoring them because they don't draw the worst out of us in ways that encounters with absolute powerlessness do.  

We are keeping our focus on the distorted illusion of control that comes from our encounters with powerlessness.  I know that this is the area where I need the most work.  I suspect I'm not alone.  

Present Scott’s attack on Past Scott:

Past Scott was very hard on people who struggle to make changes. Control, and our frustration around control, is what happens when we’re struggling to live a life we’re excited to live. I suppose, if I were to rephrase the above in a less shaming way, I’d say that we don’t always choose well when it comes to where we focus our energy in life when we’re frustrated with how life is going. In other words, we often try to change the wrong things. 

So I have some more questions for you:

What is something you’d like to be doing more of in your current life?

What are some relationships you’d like to spend more of your energy on?

What are some things that bring you joy that you don’t do as much of anymore? 

“All Therapy is Grief Work”

In Dr. Edith Eger's book, "The Gift", she sums up in one sentence why so many of us who need therapy resist getting it - "All therapy is grief work." She should know.

As a Holocaust survivor, Eger has worked with veterans, military personnel and victims of physical and mental trauma. She understands grief. But what is far more impressive to me is her candor about her reluctance to actually do the work of grief herself. Instead, she achieved and strived and tried to outrun her suffering. Thanks be to God that at some point she realized this: "I'm a prisoner and a victim when I minimize or deny my pain - and I'm a prisoner and a victim when I hold on to regret." (p.92, The Gift). According to Eger, we all share in the universal experience of life not turning out as we want or expect. "We suffer because we have something we don't want, or we want something we don't have." (also p. 92, The Gift)

In an effort to either support or deny Eger's claim, I did what I so often do, I turned to the scriptures to see what kind of examples I might find in the life of God's people over the ages. It did not take long, in fact, this was not even the first example of disappointment paired with added suffering.

Sarai, who was barren, came up with the absolutely brilliant idea (sarcasm, folks) to 'give' to Abram her slave Hagar as a surrogate for Sarai's child. (Use your imagination, there were no fertility clinics.) What could possibly go wrong here? Of course, Hagar became pregnant.

Then Sarai said to Abram, "You are responsible for the wrong I am suffering. I put my slave in your arms, and now that she is pregnant, she despises me. May the Lord judge between you and me." (Genesis 16:5 NIV)

Wait. Sarai came up with this scheme. Does anyone ask how Hagar feels about her master and his wife's plan? NOW Sarai has regrets. She wishes she could change the past. Her wish is much deeper and more heartfelt than just wishing Hagar's pregnancy would have no emotional effect on Hagar and thereby cause Sarai discomfort. Sarai wishes she herself could get pregnant and bear a bunch of babies with her husband.

Grief is not just about what happens to us; it is also about what does not happen. It's never easy to think about grief and loss but it won't get any easier avoiding it.

Today, ask yourself - in your grief, can you identify the ways you feel powerless over not just what happened but also what did not happen that you expected, longed for or dreamed about?