Your "Other" is Not the Problem!

Yesterday’s blog included this statement: “My self-evaluations (accountability) show the impact “other” is having on my responsibilities - and I am responsible for figuring out how to adjust to that so that I can continue to live by my core values, as expressed through my responsibilities.”

This is the OPPOSITE of how I used to think, and will think again today if I am not super duper careful about my doing my work of managing me. My old way of living sounded more like this old example from my life.

About ten years into our marriage we joined a gym. One that costs money. My frugal spouse did what you would expect - he figured out how to get to the gym every day. This was because if you pay for a gym membership, McBeans believe you use it. And, if you say you want to work on your physical fitness, you do it. At least, Pete McBean thinks and does these things.

I, on the other hand, couldn’t figure out how to get to the gym every week, much less every day. We had a newborn, a four year old, and an eight year old. I had heard a rumor that child protective services is picky about hanging your kids up on a hook in the den and telling them to hang out until you get back from the gym. It just never seemed like there was a right time for me to get a workout in.

I grew increasingly resentful of Pete’s workout. This is an example of looking to “other” to solve the problem of “me”. I stewed. I ruminated over how selfish Pete was; how he didn’t care enough to figure out how I could get my workouts in. Soon, my internal mutterings were slipping out sideways. I would give him the cold shoulder after he came back from the gym; I would make sarcastic comments - I suspect you can picture this routine.

Finally, Pete called a halt to this nonsense. I resisted maturity and problem solving, preferring to pout and blame. But eventually even I could self-evaluate and see that I was asking Pete to be responsible for me. Soon, we were coordinating schedules. We figured out how to use the childcare (which in those days involved a corral-like structure in the corner of the gym with no adult supervision - one step up from a hook). The point is, we figured it out and no children were permanently scarred from their mother figuring out how to hop on a treadmill for twenty minutes three times a week. My “other” - our schedule, my husband’s habits, my children’s needs - was not the problem. My lack of taking responsibility for asking for what I needed and wanted was the problem. And...there was another issue which revealed itself as I took tiny first steps toward responsibility for my own wellbeing. I discovered I was reluctant to commit to working out. I was ambivalent about going to the gym. This truly, truly was a “me” issue to be sorted out.

How might you be using “other” as an excuse to avoid taking responsibility for developing your awesome self?

Learning to Assume the Best

It’s easy to assume the worst about people. Many of us do it naturally. Sometimes people have even taught us things about themselves- perhaps that they do not deserve the benefit of the doubt (so to speak). And while it’s important to learn from people’s past behavior, assuming the worst tends not to be the best option for finding and maintaining balance in our relationships.

Relationship problems are often the product of miscommunication. We struggle to say what we really mean and struggle to hear what another person is trying to communicate. This is because communication is a skill that needs to be learned, practiced, and honed. We do not become wonderful communicators without dedicated learning and practice.

Given that, it’s helpful to consider that our frustrations and resentments with another person may be the product of a miscommunication rather than on the other person’s desire to hurt us, or their selfishness, or their lack of consideration, or whatever other character defects they have because they aren’t as enlightened as us (joke).

Are there times where conflict is not the product of miscommunication? Of course. But I would place a bet that miscommunication is at the heart of a strong percentage of disagreements. It’s important, then, that we recognize that a lot of our conflict is not one person’s fault or another’s. It is just the natural fallout of our struggles to communicate well and clearly.

So maybe that person you’re in conflict with is not a horrible person. Maybe they aren’t that selfish. Maybe they want the best for you. If you can assume that might be the case, perhaps that will open up new and different communication possibilities in that relationship.

And let us consider each other carefully for the purpose of sparking love and good deeds. 25 Don’t stop meeting together with other believers, which some people have gotten into the habit of doing. Instead, encourage each other, especially as you see the day drawing near.

Hebrews 10:24-25, CEB

I do not know how it works, do you?

In the book Alcoholics Anonymous, readers are told that resentment is a destructive force that has killed more alcoholics than drinking. Resentment is a repetitive feeling. It takes the experience of anger and removes it from its appropriate attachment to a specific event and drags it along with us until it turns into resentment. It’s what happens when we fail to deal appropriately with anger and keep bringing our past emotion into our present day living. Anger is a helpful emotion. It teaches us and guides us.

For example, I was angry about an event last week and I noticed it. I got curious. Why did this “thing” elicit such a strong reaction in me? I learned stuff about myself and it was helpful. Turns out the event was not really significant. But the anger that it triggered showed me a whole different area of my life that needed some attention.

Our emotions are supposed to do that for us. Teach us stuff about ourselves. Raise our awareness. Give us cues that help us address issues before they become chronic problems.

Resentment is not helpful. It coats us in a shell with a hardened veneer. It obfuscates reality.

When I feel resentment, I am unlikely to notice my part in the harming process. How about you? Do you have a veneer of resentment clouding your perception?