Your "Other" is Not the Problem!

Yesterday’s blog included this statement: “My self-evaluations (accountability) show the impact “other” is having on my responsibilities - and I am responsible for figuring out how to adjust to that so that I can continue to live by my core values, as expressed through my responsibilities.”

This is the OPPOSITE of how I used to think, and will think again today if I am not super duper careful about my doing my work of managing me. My old way of living sounded more like this old example from my life.

About ten years into our marriage we joined a gym. One that costs money. My frugal spouse did what you would expect - he figured out how to get to the gym every day. This was because if you pay for a gym membership, McBeans believe you use it. And, if you say you want to work on your physical fitness, you do it. At least, Pete McBean thinks and does these things.

I, on the other hand, couldn’t figure out how to get to the gym every week, much less every day. We had a newborn, a four year old, and an eight year old. I had heard a rumor that child protective services is picky about hanging your kids up on a hook in the den and telling them to hang out until you get back from the gym. It just never seemed like there was a right time for me to get a workout in.

I grew increasingly resentful of Pete’s workout. This is an example of looking to “other” to solve the problem of “me”. I stewed. I ruminated over how selfish Pete was; how he didn’t care enough to figure out how I could get my workouts in. Soon, my internal mutterings were slipping out sideways. I would give him the cold shoulder after he came back from the gym; I would make sarcastic comments - I suspect you can picture this routine.

Finally, Pete called a halt to this nonsense. I resisted maturity and problem solving, preferring to pout and blame. But eventually even I could self-evaluate and see that I was asking Pete to be responsible for me. Soon, we were coordinating schedules. We figured out how to use the childcare (which in those days involved a corral-like structure in the corner of the gym with no adult supervision - one step up from a hook). The point is, we figured it out and no children were permanently scarred from their mother figuring out how to hop on a treadmill for twenty minutes three times a week. My “other” - our schedule, my husband’s habits, my children’s needs - was not the problem. My lack of taking responsibility for asking for what I needed and wanted was the problem. And...there was another issue which revealed itself as I took tiny first steps toward responsibility for my own wellbeing. I discovered I was reluctant to commit to working out. I was ambivalent about going to the gym. This truly, truly was a “me” issue to be sorted out.

How might you be using “other” as an excuse to avoid taking responsibility for developing your awesome self?

Identifying Your Central Issue

One of the things I love about the scriptures is how often I reread a passage that I have read a kazillion times, only to have a particular section speak into my daily life as if I had never heard it. Here’s a passage that did just that. This particular passage is written as a summary of sorts in the book of Galatians. Evidently these folks had been arguing over whether circumcision was a godly thing or a goofball decision. Then Paul says this…

Can’t you see the central issue in all this? It is not what you and I do - submit to circumcision, reject circumcision. It is what GOD is doing, and he is creating something totally new, a free life!

Galatians 6, somewhere between 14-16 in The Message

As I evaluate and re-evaluate my own values depending on the circumstances, it seems to me that I am required to think about the CENTRAL ISSUE. What is it, exactly? Is the most important thing which side one comes down on regarding circumcision? Really? Of course not. It is so easy to see that a couple thousand years later. Today I wonder. What do you think the CENTRAL ISSUE is in your life? Your life. I say that because our life is the one we are responsible for; our life is the one we will answer for. We need to be very careful at this moment. We need to think about our responsibility, our life, our values and our response to them. Whether or not my children and I agree politically, for example, is not my priority. My priority, my core value, is having relationships that are characterized by respect and dignity. It is undignified and disrespectful for me to have ANY expectation about my children’s political leanings. They are grown ups. They own their life; I own mine.

So what is the CENTRAL ISSUE? For me, it is about trying to make sense and apply what it means to believe in a God who is creating something totally new - a free life. I am curious about this; I lean into it and ask myself questions like: What would it mean for me to have a free life? What’s the new thing that God is up to? What is God doing and how can I possibly figure that out? What issues feel “central” to me that are not central. What is the central issue anyway? What am I missing? How is my ego standing in the way of my discernment? In what areas am I certain? Certainty is not possible when dealing with “totally new” anything. What am I missing? What is my responsibility? What is NOT my responsibility? What will I regret if I get it wrong? How do I imitate God? What does love look like in this situation?

The questions go on and on and on - but they are questions I ask and answer about me - because I am who I am responsible for. Everyone else? I am responsible TO - my family, my friends, my enemies. May you find the answers you seek within the arms of our Loving God.

What Do YOU Need When You’re Hurting?

Well, the question is a bit unfair. A lot of us don’t know what we need when we’re hurting, we just know that we hurt.

Perhaps we should ask the question, “What has helped you before, in retrospect?” Hindsight can truly be 20/20.

Spend some time reflecting on this. Make a list.

Try to remember all of the things that helped, no matter how small.

Was it a walk, or exercise? Being in nature? Writing in a journal? A spiritual discipline? A regular phone call or lunch or some other meetup with a friend?

Share your ideas!

Don’t let any foul words come out of your mouth. Only say what is helpful when it is needed for building up the community so that it benefits those who hear what you say.

Ephesians 4:29

Challenge Self-Defeating Thoughts

I was really shocked to discover that my thoughts are not always true and my feelings are not always the best gauge of my life situation. I spent decades assuming that my thoughts and feelings were pointing me to my “truth”. I was wrong. Here are some common inaccurate thoughts:

* I cannot cope with ______ unless I use/do/have _________.

* When I ______, I am more creative and productive.

* My friends would not like me if they knew the real me.

* I cannot relax/sleep/function without _____.

* I know that I have missed some family functions but kids are resilient, they will get over it.

* I am not hurting anyone but myself.

* My loved ones just do not understand.

* I can stop ________ whenever I want. I plan on changing when life settles down.

It is possible that our life is unsatisfactory because we are living with unaddressed, inaccurate, and self-defeating thoughts. Compulsive thoughts create heightened anxiety and depression. It is crucial to realize that we are unaware that our thinking is distorted. We will need to look outside our mind palace for answers that are fundamentally beyond our brain’s capacity to grasp without outside intervention.

Don’t assume that you know it all.

Run to God! Run from evil!

Your body will glow with health,

your very bones will vibrate with life!

~ Proverbs 3:7-8, The Message

I like to ask myself the following question on a daily basis: what if I am wrong about _______? As I discover that I am wrong, I find new opportunities to change, seek help, and walk humbly with my God and others! Try it! It is so much easier than having to be right and strong all the time!

Self-evaluation

Anyone ever swore to themselves that when they grew up they would not be “like them”?  How are you doing with that promise to yourself?

Sometimes we are unconscious of how much we imitate early role models for relationships.  Sarcasm.  Passive-aggressive comments. Abuse in various forms.  These various forms of disrespect may be carried over into our own lives without us noticing.

Suppose we grow up in a family with a history of physical abuse.  We vow to never, ever perpetuate that cycle onto our children.  We follow through.  We imagine that our children are so grateful that we didn’t beat them with a stick or withhold food as punishment.

But what if we tend to shame them with demands for better performance?  What if we are withdrawn and not available for them on a daily basis?  What if we are so needy and insecure that we ask them to think more about our own emotional nurturance than we ever think about theirs?

From our lens, we have improved the model; from their frame of reference, they are still not getting what they need to thrive.

Self-evaluation is tricky; let’s seek help by getting feedback from others (particularly folks who have some wisdom and distance from our family system so they can be both detached and objective).