An Attack on Shaming Statements (Part 4)

...more thoughts on shaming statements….Part IV

* You have embarrassed yourself/me/your family.

When my mother passed away, my father wrote me an email enumerating all the ways I was an embarrassment to him. This was not his work to do. When we feel embarrassed about the actions of another person, and we all have had this feeling before, it is important to pause to prepare. One time I was taking someone to treatment and when we arrived at the emergency room, she laid down on the ground outside the ER entrance and threw a temper tantrum. It was epic. While I was inside trying to get some help, Pete stood guard over her as she got out her frustration with fists pumping and legs flailing. An acquaintance approached the entrance and recognized Pete. He looked quizzically at Pete and pointed at the tantrum-throwing. “Yours?” he asked. Pete shrugged. It was too much to explain.

I asked Pete if he was embarrassed to be associated with such a meltdown in a fellow adult and his reply was classic Pete. “I wasn’t throwing the tantrum, what did I have to be embarrassed about?”

I followed up, “What if that had been our daughter?”

He shrugged, “Still. It would be their tantrum, not mine.”

I am not that evolved but I aspire to become a person who can take responsibility for my own actions and allow other people the dignity of taking responsibility for their choices as well. I am sure there are a million ways we foster shame reactions in ourselves and others that I have not considered in these posts. I’m going to keep on the lookout for shame attacks. One final point. If shame worked as a tool for change, then I would advocate for its use. There is so much that needs to CHANGE in our world today. But shame does not work, so let’s keep looking for effective ways to bring hope for change and support the work of transformation.

An Attack on Shaming Statements (Part 3)

...more thoughts on shaming statements….Part III

* You can do better than this. You are better than this.

Lately I’ve heard people say, “We are better than this” in a variety of scenarios. I wonder. Are we? If we need to critique someone, again, be specific. My training instructor might say, “Your deadlift weights have dropped. Any thoughts on what’s going on?” She is reminding me that I have demonstrated in the past a capacity that is greater than my present numbers indicate. This is a problem for someone who is trying to get stronger! Maybe I have an injury, perhaps I’m over- or under-training. Comparisons are good if they are used to measure progress. It is unhelpful to say we are “better” - it is an unhelpful comparison and it can be either inaccurate or shaming, depending on our perspective.

* Do you have any idea how this makes me feel?

Instead of asking others to guess about our feelings, we will be more effective and less shaming if we can actually talk about our feelings (when appropriate). I might say to Pete, “When you get caught up in watching a lot of sports on tv, I feel lonely and disconnected from you.” This invites a discussion without me asking Pete to be responsible for my feelings. When lonely, I have more options than asking Pete to give up his beloved sports. When I feel disconnected, I can make alternative suggestions for ways we can reconnect. People do not magically know how we feel, and in some cases, our feelings are none of their business. Take for example a crisis situation with a child who has made a suicide attempt. Sitting on the foot of their bed in the hospital is probably not the time to ask them to muster up the energy to figure out their parents feelings. Instead, parents should run not walk to their own support system for the much needed encouragement and love they need during this frightening time. Later, with a lot of coaching, maybe it will be appropriate for the entire family to share feelings and process how this event impacted the family and what needs to change to create a place of healing for everyone.

...to be continued…

An Attack on Shaming Statements (Part 2)

...more thoughts on shaming statements….Part II

* Why can’t you be more like ______?

I do not like being compared to others, do you? This is simply unnecessary. IF we are in a position of student/teacher or mentor/mentee, comparison can sometimes be helpful. For example, I am teaching my grandson the fundamentals of tennis. Sometimes I say, “Look, Christian, see where Meme’s feet are pointing? Try that and see if the ball goes straighter when you stand like this.” It is a skill specific comparison made within the bubble of learning, not as a general statement to elevate one person at the expense of another.

* You have/had so much potential!

Oftentimes when we comment on potential, we do so with the best of intentions. We’re cheering someone on, pointing out a particular gifting or talent that we hope the person will recognize and develop. But often the recipient of these words feels more shame than inspiration. Potential is a concept for personal reflection, not social commentary. How do we know another’s potential? We are in essence saying - try harder, you can do better! But can they? How do we know that what we are witnessing is NOT their 120% effort? Better to say, if we are actually qualified to comment on and have been given permission to speak about another’s performance - Your butterfly stroke is graceful; your serve is strong; your endurance is impressive. Be specific. But make sure we are qualified to speak; we are speaking the truth; we are speaking to provide information, not to manipulate someone.

...to be continued….