Get Un-Stuck!

To review, first I had to learn that just because I have lots of strategies for coping with stressors did not mean I knew how to effectively deal with the stress. This was news to me. The book Burnout... by Emily and Amelia Nagoski continues to guide my new journey dealing with both parts of the stress equation.

I am learning how to step away from the situations that cause stress and not stop there! My next step needs to include leaning into and paying attention to my body and emotions. My body knows a lot of stuff that my brain and heart resist, ignore or misinterpret. Our brain, body and heart give us clues, very clear ones, to let us know when our stress levels are elevating. According to the Nagoski sisters, here are some signs to heed.

See how many of these questions you answer with a resounding, "Yes".

1. Am I doing the same pointless things repetitively? (Scrolling through facebook, watching mindless tv, distracting myself with food or alcohol or drugs, texting habitually, etc.)

2. Am I engaging in self-destructive behaviors? (Drinking too much, self-harm, eating in a disordered manner, sabotaging my dreams with inappropriate behavior, etc.)

3. Am I erupting inappropriately in ways that are out of proportion to the situation?

4. Am I hiding from my life? (Come home from work and watch cat videos while eating ice cream out of the carton, etc.)

5. Does my body feel out of whack? (Chronic pain, constant sickness, infections, inflammation, etc.)

So here's the thing we all need to wrap our brains around. Stress is not bad for us; getting stuck in the stress is what is harmful. It's a cycle; we have to figure out how to move through it.

Checking Up and Checking In

For a month’s worth of posts, I (Scott) am critiquing my own past blog posts. I’m viewing this as an experiment in being willing to admit when I’m wrong, change my mind, and to do so publicly.

Yesterday I gave a series of sample questions to ask yourself periodically as a sort of mental and emotional “check up”.  This is a way of getting to the bottom of the question, “How am I doing?”  

Why do I recommend this?  

Triggers are not always attached to some distant thing in the past.  Sometimes, as is the case with what I described between myself and Brittany, triggers are the result of some powerful stressor that comes from some other place in life.  It is easy, at times, to move ahead with life so quickly that we do not create time or space to consider how we are doing.  This means there are times where we legitimately do not know (or simply are not consciously aware of) how we are doing.  If we don’t know, we’re unlikely to respond to triggers and difficult situations well.  We’re simply unprepared.  

Scott from the future:

Checking in with yourself is essentially a meditative, mindful exercise that helps you go through life more aware. When you’re more aware you can more quickly deal with the actual problems you have (as opposed to the surface-level problems like dirty dishes). You can have more open, honest conversations that increase and deepen intimacy. You can resolve conflict easier, you are better prepared to empathize, etc. It’s a good idea.

Damage Control…

For a month’s worth of posts, I (Scott) am critiquing my own past blog posts. I’m viewing this as an experiment in being willing to admit when I’m wrong, change my mind, and to do so publicly.

From yesterday:  If we can answer questions like this then, hopefully, we gain some insight into what kinds of things are likely to send us spiraling out of control. 

If we gain some insight into what kinds of things are likely to send us spiraling out of control then we can begin to mentally prepare ourselves for our own reactions.  If we can prepare, then we can begin to create space to choose (within reason)  a response to our reactions (as opposed to simply reacting to our reactions).

I know, I know- this sounds too easy.  In many ways, it is too easy.  We’re not always going to be able to choose a response.  Some triggers are so powerful and so deeply ingrained that the only way to come to grips at all is to do meaningful work with a therapist of a long period of time.  The point is not that we can learn how to gain control of ourselves when we’re powerless.  The point is that gaining awareness may make some of our roughest edges a little bit smoother.  

We may learn to “limit the damage.”

2021 Scott chiming in:

Being able to choose a response requires a few things- some practice being mindful about when we’re “triggered,” some safety in the relationship where we’re triggered, some sense of safety in general, and some techniques for calming ourselves down, including some helpful distractions we can engage in to get out of the triggered moment.

Again, this is a big topic- and we’ll find ways to explore it more in the future.

Planning for Triggers

For a month’s worth of posts, I (Scott) am critiquing my own past blog posts. I’m viewing this as an experiment in being willing to admit when I’m wrong, change my mind, and to do so publicly.

From yesterday:  In order to learn something from our outbursts, we need to be willing to rigorously examine ourselves in the aftermath. 

This includes:  making a mental note of the things that trigger us.  What kinds of things create unnecessarily large emotional reactions within us?  Is there a pattern?  When have I reacted this way to this kind of situation before?  Have my reactions to this kind of situation always been this strong?  Why or why not?  If not, what has changed?  

Perhaps today you can reflect on a situation you have some emotional distance from and try asking yourself these questions.

If we can answer questions like this then, hopefully, we gain some insight into what kinds of things are likely to send us spiraling out of control.  

Scott’s thoughts in 2021:

Being able to identify triggers and recognize patterns is crucially important. We may need help with this- we may need to ask the people “in our hut” to help us recognize patterns of acting “too big” for what the situation requires.

Once we’re aware of triggers, we can start to plan out what to do about them- and this will depend on the circumstances. It is important to process the things that create the triggers, it’s also important to learn new actions in response to triggers…perhaps this is a good topic for a future Saturday night class?

Attend to Yourself!

For a month’s worth of posts, I (Scott) am critiquing my own past blog posts. I’m viewing this as an experiment in being willing to admit when I’m wrong, change my mind, and to do so publicly.

Read the past few days before reading today.

If the son is not attentive to himself, and has done very little work, then a question from his partner about cleanliness will likely lead to an explosive reaction.  Overtime he's learned to associate his mother's standard of cleanliness (which he later attaches to any conversation about cleanliness) with a deep internal sense that he has no value, that he's a burden on others, that he is a failure, that he's inherently damaged, that he's completely misunderstood, or some other core message.  In this case, an innocuous question (from the partner's perspective) can lead very quickly to a conversation about whether or not this relationship is even worth continuing.  

Triggers don't mean that a person is weak or stupid or overly sensitive.  Triggers are merely things that remind us of our baggage.  If we've dealt with our baggage, triggers are not necessarily overly disruptive.  If we haven't deal with our baggage, they wreak havoc.  

We require attentiveness in order to discern what kinds of conversations or events create unnecessarily large reactions within us.  If we're able to recognize these reactions when they happen, then we can begin to parse out the root of these reactions.  

This is the beginning of learning to choose new and different responses. 

2021 Scott enters the ring to destroy the writing of 2017 Scott, and here’s his response:

I don’t have a tremendous amount of new things to say in response to these few days that I haven’t already said. I will continue to say that it’s a complex web of factors that leads to our healing. Some of it is attentiveness to ourselves and our patterns. Some of it is healing relationships. It might take counseling or support groups. It might take new hobbies. It might mean slowing down. It might mean a career path. Whatever the case may be, it’s worth asking ourselves: Am I living a life that I am excited about? If not, what is in my power to change that I believe might help?