Positive Faith & Sin Part III

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Over the next few days I’m going to talk about how sin can be handled seriously while still maintaining a positive faith. I’m doing this because there is a stereotype against positive faith- people tend to think that, if you’re being positive, then you’re not taking the hard parts seriously. My argument is: I’m taking the hard parts even more seriously because I want us to do the things that actually help us deal with the hard parts- rather than be stuck in them.

And so- I want to take just a minute, today, to make an observation:

People take their sin unbelievably seriously.

I know, I know. It’s hard to believe. But it’s true. Take it from a (now) professional listener. People tell me all the things they wouldn’t tell anyone else. And, believe me, people take their sin seriously. Even if they don’t call it that. Even if they aren’t people of faith. Every single person I talk to is tremendously concerned with the impact they are having on the world around them.

Now, as people, we don’t always say these things to the people around us. Sometimes we’re defensive. Sometimes we’re scared to be vulnerable (or it’s just hard to be vulnerable- regardless of the emotion involved). The point is, whatever is going on inside us, we don’t always share it.

Because we don’t always share it, people can get the wrong idea. They think we don’t see what’s wrong with ourselves. They think we don’t recognize our own shortcomings and don’t want to deal with them. Now, of course, there is sometimes truth to this. We’re not always aware of every shortcoming we have. But, for the most part, most people are painfully aware that they are not entirely the person they’d like to be.

So, what happens if I tell someone how sinful they are? What happens if I use my “big voice” (as Norah calls it) to remind them of how sinful they are? What would happen if I did that to you?

Imagine it for a moment and we’ll come back to this tomorrow.

Own It

For a month’s worth of posts, I (Scott) am critiquing my own past blog posts. I’m viewing this as an experiment in being willing to admit when I’m wrong, change my mind, and to do so publicly.

...continued from yesterday...

In order to learn something from our outbursts, we need to be willing to rigorously examine ourselves in the aftermath.  If we assume we were in the right and the other person was in the wrong, there is nothing to be gained.  In (almost) any fight, both parties are wrong, though to varying degrees.  One party may have more stuff to own than the other, but this does not mean the person with less has permission to avoid self-examination.  

We ask ourselves, “Where did I go wrong?”  “In what ways did I contribute to the mess?”  In other words, we start with the assumption that we did contribute and then work our way backwards towards the truth.  

If we begin with the assumption that we weren’t wrong and did not contribute to the mess, we will struggle to find evidence to the contrary.  

New Scott vs. Old Scott:

I totally agree with myself! It is crucially important in the aftermath of a conflict to seek out things you can take ownership of to the person you had conflict with. It is a huge trust and relationship builder if we can get ahead of these things. Owning mistakes before they’re brought to your attention is a relationship game-changer. 

Now, this is hard to do. We have blind spots. So- if you can’t figure out where you “went wrong” and  the other person points something out- then that’s also great. Work on being mindful of your defensiveness and choosing to set it to the side in order own your mistakes. 

From Powerlessness to Acceptance

For a month’s worth of posts, I (Scott) am critiquing my own past blog posts. I’m viewing this as an experiment in being willing to admit when I’m wrong, change my mind, and to do so publicly.

When we protect ourselves from uncomfortable truths we simultaneously prevent ourselves from discovering the appropriate response to our circumstances because we are not aware of even the need to respond.  Instead we live in reactivity, which is to say, we live un-consciously, allowing our response to the experience to remain hidden from view while our reactions wreak havoc in other unrelated areas.  

For example, we may argue with a partner over the house being dirty to release uncomfortable emotions hidden beneath the surface.  In reality, the only way to release (or let go of) the grief (or whatever uncomfortable thing you're coping with) beneath the surface is to acknowledge and sit with the grief.  When we aren't aware of how powerless we are, or when we fight our encounter with powerlessness, we commit ourselves to the ongoing insanity of letting out the tension beneath the surface only accidentally (as in the dirty house example).  

Accidental releases of tension provide a few minutes of relief, but they never satisfy us in the long run.

2021 Scott thoughts on Scott:

My biggest thought as I continue to read these is how mean I sound in print. Someone should have told me! (Just kidding. No blame shifting here.)

These days I really prefer the term acceptance to powerlessness. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with the term powerlessness, of course, it’s just a word. And it happens to be a word with a long and fruitful history in recovery circles. 

I still struggle with reactivity- just as I did when I originally wrote this post. I am improving in the acceptance department though- and this really helps. 

Let’s be honest- a bulk of my conflict (and therefore reactivity) happens in marriage because it’s my “biggest” relationship. One of the other things I see happening over time is that I feel safer as time goes on. I learn that disagreements get resolved, I learn that Brittany and I can work to prioritize each other’s needs, and so on. It can’t be overstated how important a sense of “life safety” is- a sense that you’re seen, understood, and cared for, in managing stress, anxiety, reactivity, and so on. 

So rather than putting all the responsibility on ourselves to be less reactive, perhaps we should also consider prioritizing safe relationships.

Embracing Powerlessness

For a month’s worth of posts, I (Scott) am critiquing my own past blog posts. I’m viewing this as an experiment in being willing to admit when I’m wrong, change my mind, and to do so publicly.

There are things in life that we can't control and that we're not happy about.  We have neither the permission to influence these circumstances nor the capacity to do so.  We do not need to judge our initial reaction to these circumstances.  Our reaction is whatever our reaction is and that is acceptable.  But, at the same time, it's important to know when things are far enough outside of our control that there is nothing we can do about it.  

Granted, we will struggle (that is, in the moment) to recognize an encounter with powerlessness unless we're already accustomed to living in reality.  We resist seeing powerlessness for what it is because it confirms one of our deepest fears:  We can't prevent unpleasant things from happening.  Our bodies will go to great lengths in order to protect us from this uncomfortable truth.  Denial is one example of this.  

New Scott v. Old Scott:

You all are probably tired of hearing my new-to-me take on denial. I now believe that denial is the perfectly natural byproduct of being confronted or challenged over something that is somewhat sensitive. 

That said- I largely agree with this post. It is definitely uncomfortable to have unwanted things happen to us in life. There is no “good” way to avoid unpleasant events and unpleasant reactions to events. However, it is helpful for us to be aware that unpleasant events cause chain reactions of feelings and behavior- and we can learn how to better tolerate these reactions and, then, choose responses that are more in-line with who we want to be. 

No One is Asking You to be Right

I am my biggest limitation. It's true. I make up stories in my head about what I SHOULD do, or the kind of person I COULD be, or the life I MIGHT HAVE HAD IF ONLY.... most of it is just baloney. It turns out that everyone has limitations. Even I, with all mine, has not been powerful enough to ruin my children.

Last week we had our annual Memorial Day family gathering. The grandkids are at the stage where you can take your eyes off them for 3 seconds without them choking on a screw or choking each other. I built them a fort in the back yard made of sheets and towels thrown over a dome-like jungle gym structure that they climb on and fall off of on a regular basis. They loved their little cozy fort.

The big kids - all the rest of us, played pickle ball on a court drawn quite precisely by the resident engineer in the family. Scott and I acted as his assistants and we really did try to keep our mocking to a minimum over his precision and laser focus on getting it perfect. We ate a simple meal that included a new recipe from my sister-in-law, who we affectionately call Chef ShooFly because she is an excellent cook and one of the littles called her that years ago and it stuck. We had a discussion on labor unions (with many different perspectives at the table) and I can only speak for myself - I learned a ton.

My joy is complete - to see the way my family respected each other even with the diversity that has bloomed as the years have started to pile up and kids have turned into adults. It occurs to me that with all the things I regret about the way I parented, the thing I love about being a parent is that somewhere along the line someone managed to convey to my children that no one is asking any of us to be right or deny their limitations. No one has to be certain that their opinion should and must prevail.

I don't know who taught them these things, but I am so grateful to learn by watching them live a life of unconditional positive regard for one another. My optimism for future generations grows as I see how this next generation is modeling these truths for their children. So just in case no one has told you recently - your limitations are not a problem. Everyone has them. Tomorrow we'll talk about how to manage them.