I don’t want to affirm. I want to send a message.

Sometimes we become so bogged down in the conflict of a given relationship that we feel like affirming the person we are in conflict with is akin to saying, “We’re all good.”

If you’re not all good, you don’t want to communicate that you’re all good because you don’t want the other person to think that the current relationship status is an acceptable way to continue into the future. In other words, if you don’t like the way things are, then you don’t want them to continue this way and, if you don’t want them to continue, you want to send a message that, “Things are not okay!”

Here’s the thing. It’s okay to send more than one message. There’s a difference between sending two separate messages and sending “mixed signals.”

For instance, you can say to someone, “I really appreciate how you treat my family,” even as you say, “There are some things in our relationship that we might need to work on together.”

Do you see how these aren’t “mixed” messages? One is a positive observation about a person and one is a request for help. It’s possible to do both at once.

If things aren’t going well, the other person probably knows it even if they don’t acknowledge it. You don’t need to “send a message” 24/7. Also, being withholding doesn’t send a message. It is simply being withholding. If you really want to send a message, have an honest conversation.

But that’s an issue for a whole different day.

For now, just consider that you can affirm someone even if you’re not happy with them at the moment.

Don’t let any foul words come out of your mouth. Only say what is helpful when it is needed for building up the community so that it benefits those who hear what you say.

Ephesians 4:29

What if There Isn't Anything to Affirm?

I am going to assume some of you are in challenging relationships. You may have a hard time finding things to affirm in this context.

Let me be clear: there is always something to affirm.

Let me be clear: there is always something to affirm.

Okay, we tend to think about behaviors when it comes to affirmations. In other words, we affirm things people do. But, we can also affirm thoughts, desires, wishes, hopes, goals, changes, small changes, really, really, really small changes, personality characteristics, physical characteristics (such as, “I like the way you laugh.”), and more.

There is always something to affirm.

Whatever it is, the other person will like hearing it.

Don’t let any foul words come out of your mouth. Only say what is helpful when it is needed for building up the community so that it benefits those who hear what you say.

Ephesians 4:29

Affirming Others Helps You Become Who YOU Want to Be

I have been trying to practice offering more affirmations over the last few months. I am slow to learn. Like I said a few days ago, it feels like it takes a surprising amount of effort. The reality is, I often just don’t feel like it.

I don’t want to give examples because I don’t want to embarrass anyone who might be reading this, but I can say I have noticed something very strange about offering someone an affirmation: It makes me feel more like...well...me. Or, at least, it makes me feel more like the me I want to be.

I want to be someone who builds others up. I want people who come into contact with me to feel like my presence contributed to their hope, or joy, or sense of belonging (and/or more). When you affirm someone, you can often see very clearly from their facial expressions that you contributed to that person feeling good (or maybe better). And that’s a good feeling.

If you’re struggling to feel like you are truly becoming who you want to be, practice affirming someone. Let them know how much they mean to you. Let them know how much you appreciate their sense of humor, or their wisdom, or their loyalty, or their willingness to help, or their courage, or whatever it is.

Try it. You may find that it makes you a better you.

Don’t let any foul words come out of your mouth. Only say what is helpful when it is needed for building up the community so that it benefits those who hear what you say.

Ephesians 4:29

Why Congratulate Someone for Doing What They're Supposed to Do?

I have lived with this attitude for a long time. If someone is doing what they’re supposed to then they shouldn’t be rewarded. People should be rewarded for going above and beyond...not for meeting some recommended minimum...right???

As someone who does not receive affirmation well, the above mentality makes sense to me. But it’s not a super helpful way to think. People are motivated in different ways by different things. Some people will go above and beyond naturally. Some people will naturally coast. Some people will naturally underperform, so to speak. But, regardless, each of these people needs affirmation to keep going over the long haul.

If you want someone to keep doing a behavior that you appreciate, then affirm them. That sends a clear, strong signal that they are headed in a helpful direction.

For example, say you appreciate it when a friend checks in on you via text. Let them know that you appreciate it. If they know that what they’ve done means something to you then they are likely to repeat it. They repeat it because the affirmation lets them now that they are being helpful and people like knowing what to do in order to be helpful.

If we refuse to affirm people because they’re doing what they should be doing...then maybe consider that you should be affirming. [See what I did there? :-) ]

Don’t let any foul words come out of your mouth. Only say what is helpful when it is needed for building up the community so that it benefits those who hear what you say.

Ephesians 4:29

Affirming Seems Unnecessary

It’s hard to affirm an adult. It feels uncomfortable. I don’t know if you are like me, but I tend to think that we should correct what needs correcting. When things are working, we don’t really need to say anything because it’s working.

The reality is, if we only correct and never affirm, people feel unnoticed and unappreciated. They feel criticized and bogged down in insecurity and anxiety. They believe they are insignificant or, worse yet, that they are causing harm while doing no good.

Affirming offers people a sense of purpose. They feel seen, recognized, noticed, appreciated, and valued. And, guess what, we need these feelings. When people are built up, they tend to move in positive directions in life. Or, to phrase it differently, they are better able to move in the direction they want to move in...and most people want “good” things for themselves.

Want to make a difference in someone’s life? Affirm them. Notice something they’re doing well and encourage them in it. It feels weird, and perhaps seems unnecessary, but it is so important.

Don’t let any foul words come out of your mouth. Only say what is helpful when it is needed for building up the community so that it benefits those who hear what you say.

Ephesians 4:29