I don’t want to affirm. I want to send a message.

Sometimes we become so bogged down in the conflict of a given relationship that we feel like affirming the person we are in conflict with is akin to saying, “We’re all good.”

If you’re not all good, you don’t want to communicate that you’re all good because you don’t want the other person to think that the current relationship status is an acceptable way to continue into the future. In other words, if you don’t like the way things are, then you don’t want them to continue this way and, if you don’t want them to continue, you want to send a message that, “Things are not okay!”

Here’s the thing. It’s okay to send more than one message. There’s a difference between sending two separate messages and sending “mixed signals.”

For instance, you can say to someone, “I really appreciate how you treat my family,” even as you say, “There are some things in our relationship that we might need to work on together.”

Do you see how these aren’t “mixed” messages? One is a positive observation about a person and one is a request for help. It’s possible to do both at once.

If things aren’t going well, the other person probably knows it even if they don’t acknowledge it. You don’t need to “send a message” 24/7. Also, being withholding doesn’t send a message. It is simply being withholding. If you really want to send a message, have an honest conversation.

But that’s an issue for a whole different day.

For now, just consider that you can affirm someone even if you’re not happy with them at the moment.

Don’t let any foul words come out of your mouth. Only say what is helpful when it is needed for building up the community so that it benefits those who hear what you say.

Ephesians 4:29