Day 17: Kindred Spirits

O Jonathan, in your death I am stricken, I am desolate for you, Jonathan my brother. Very dear to me you were, your love to me more wonderful than the love of a woman.

2 Samuel 1:26

In the Old Testament, the story of the friendship between David and Jonathan is epic. Jonathan, Saul’s son, finds himself loyal to his friend David while his father seeks to kill David. Both men were loyal, took risks for each other and were tenderly devoted to one another. Ultimately, this friendship bonds these men’s families for all time (1 Samuel 20:42). As this year draws to a close, I would ask that we all set aside some time and consider our friendships.

Love one another.

True friends are not obligated to each other, they share an affinity and delight in each other that is profound and life enriching. David and Jonathan cared about each other. They clicked. This kind of friendship is bigger than shared interests or values. C. S. Lewis said that friendship comes from meeting a “kindred spirit.” Friends show their love for each other in endless ways.

Spiritual friends have a central desire for the blessing of the other person. Friends support the well-being (emotional, spiritual, intellectual and physical) of each other.

Love one another – the gift that keeps on giving.

Day 17: Kindred Spirits

O Jonathan, in your death I am stricken, I am desolate for you, Jonathan my brother. Very dear to me you were, your love to me more wonderful than the love of a woman.

2 Samuel 1:26

In the Old Testament, the story of the friendship between David and Jonathan is epic. Jonathan, Saul’s son, finds himself loyal to his friend David while his father seeks to kill David. Both men were loyal, took risks for each other and were tenderly devoted to one another. Ultimately, this friendship bonds these men’s families for all time (1 Samuel 20:42). As this year draws to a close, I would ask that we all set aside some time and consider our friendships.

Love one another.

True friends are not obligated to each other, they share an affinity and delight in each other that is profound and life enriching. David and Jonathan cared about each other. They clicked. This kind of friendship is bigger than shared interests or values. C. S. Lewis said that friendship comes from meeting a “kindred spirit.” Friends show their love for each other in endless ways.

Spiritual friends have a central desire for the blessing of the other person. Friends support the well-being (emotional, spiritual, intellectual and physical) of each other.

Love one another – the gift that keeps on giving.

Day 18: The Gift of Presence

One of the best gifts any of us could give or receive this year is the gift of presence - even if it requires us to be creative in making that happen. Spiritual friends learn how to set aside their own preoccupations and distractions. They listen, opening themselves up to the experiences of others. Mature spiritual friends have the awareness to attune themselves to the presence of God in the conversation as well. Soul companions learn how to give and receive dialogue. They consider conversation a sacred trust – cherishing, nurturing and holding the privilege as sacred.

I regret my youthful perspective when it came to my grandparents. As they aged, they were forced to make concessions in light of their declining health (which in my youth I could not understand). My grandmother bought a small, artificial tree. It was hideous, scantily clad with a stingy array of fake pine needles (dyed white) and a few miserly lights. It made Charlie Brown’s Christmas tree look like an award winner. I fussed and fussed about the tree. I told my grandmother in no uncertain terms that this particular tree was an affront to the meaning of Christmas.

Here’s what I wish I had known to do instead. I wish I had put down my childish ways and paid attention to what the tree was teaching me. My grandmother was getting tired. She was laying all earthly things aside. She hadn’t lost her Christmas Spirit, so much as she had learned that all the hoorah surrounding the commercialization of Christmas was meaningless. I could have learned a lot from her if I had listened better. My grandmother was getting to the essence of what is most important in life, not giving up the gift of Christmas cheer.

Again, when we know better, we do better.

I never thought my mother, the Queen of Christmas Cheer, would fall victim to the tabletop Christmas tree. But she did. When she started chortling about her clever way of throwing a sheet over that tiny tree and having Bob haul it to the basement for easy decorating the next Christmas, I knew this time what I was seeing. I applauded her ingenuity. I marveled at how those ornaments seemed to cooperate with the move up and down the stairs with Bob’s hurried steps. I knew in my gut that my mother was not well.

When we know better, we do better.

Day 18: The Gift of Presence

One of the best gifts any of us could give or receive this year is the gift of presence - even if it requires us to be creative in making that happen. Spiritual friends learn how to set aside their own preoccupations and distractions. They listen, opening themselves up to the experiences of others. Mature spiritual friends have the awareness to attune themselves to the presence of God in the conversation as well. Soul companions learn how to give and receive dialogue. They consider conversation a sacred trust – cherishing, nurturing and holding the privilege as sacred.

I regret my youthful perspective when it came to my grandparents. As they aged, they were forced to make concessions in light of their declining health (which in my youth I could not understand). My grandmother bought a small, artificial tree. It was hideous, scantily clad with a stingy array of fake pine needles (dyed white) and a few miserly lights. It made Charlie Brown’s Christmas tree look like an award winner. I fussed and fussed about the tree. I told my grandmother in no uncertain terms that this particular tree was an affront to the meaning of Christmas.

Here’s what I wish I had known to do instead. I wish I had put down my childish ways and paid attention to what the tree was teaching me. My grandmother was getting tired. She was laying all earthly things aside. She hadn’t lost her Christmas Spirit, so much as she had learned that all the hoorah surrounding the commercialization of Christmas was meaningless. I could have learned a lot from her if I had listened better. My grandmother was getting to the essence of what is most important in life, not giving up the gift of Christmas cheer.

Again, when we know better, we do better.

I never thought my mother, the Queen of Christmas Cheer, would fall victim to the tabletop Christmas tree. But she did. When she started chortling about her clever way of throwing a sheet over that tiny tree and having Bob haul it to the basement for easy decorating the next Christmas, I knew this time what I was seeing. I applauded her ingenuity. I marveled at how those ornaments seemed to cooperate with the move up and down the stairs with Bob’s hurried steps. I knew in my gut that my mother was not well.

When we know better, we do better.

Day 19: When We Know Better, We Can Do Better

One of the lost traditions of my childhood and early adulthood was time spent with my grandparents. As newlyweds, Pete and I loved visiting my grandparents in Durham, NC. These were not the same kind of visits that I remembered as a child – filled with fun times and lots of good, home cooked meals. Sadly, my grandfather developed dementia.

Pete never saw my Papa at his fast moving, quick witted, mechanically minded, athletically inclined self. Care for my grandfather wore my grandmother out. Naturally, when my grandmother knew we were coming, she was relieved to think that we could help her with some of the chores that her frail body couldn’t handle. When we arrived, she would greet us with a hug…and a list. This list was comprehensive, usually composed in order of priority – in early December, we knew that the list would include holiday decorating, gift buying and more.

As a young woman, I hated the list. I felt a shift in the relationship. I intuited that when my grandmother looked at me, she saw an elf, not her first born (and only) granddaughter. I grieved the loss of the lazy, hazy days of summer when I came to her looking for respite and care. I feared the decline of both of these vibrant, loving people. It was hard to admit to myself that I was sad. It was easier to get mad about the ding dang list.

Recently, I came across a quote from David Benner’s book Sacred Companions that helped me put some vocabulary to my experiences back then.

“In dialogue I meet you as a person, not an object. When we treat others as objects, even for benevolent reasons, we rob them of their humanity.”

Sacred Companions, David Benner, p.55

When I see my Mama in heaven, I look forward to asking her what she was really thinking way back then. I wish that I could have handled the situation differently at the time. Instead of building up resentments, I could have talked this through with my grandmother, or a sacred companion. Maybe a friend could have pointed out what I should have seen all along – it was never about the list - it was about coming to grips with loss.

As you move into the holiday season, do you have any relationships that are in an awkward transition? If so, rather than keeping your own counsel, might I suggest that you talk to someone whom you respect about what you are thinking? Best yet, if you can do so without doing harm, maybe you could risk revealing a bit more of yourself, and talking with the person you feel awkward around, to see if you can resolve an issue or two. (Certainly, any of us having this kind of conversation would get wise counsel, and make sure we are communicating carefully, so as to avoid doing our own “objectification” – but talking stuff through before a stressful time of pressured holiday interactions can avoid needless harming and future needs for amends making!)

When we know better, we can do better. If there was ever a year when we could try our best to do a tiny bit better, this is that year! People need us to try!