Surround yourself with supportive people

One of the things I’ve come to believe very strongly is that even when life is very difficult, and bad things happen, God can be found somewhere in the midst of the story.  In some cases, people who suffer a great tragedy do not find God in that story - and that is their experience and I respect it.  (I’d hate it if we tried to tell suffering people to just buck up because surely God is up to something good.)

However, we do have folks who experience trauma, loss and deep grief and at some point report to us that they indeed did find God in the middle of their darkest night.  It does happen.

And I love the possibility of it.

What I can say for myself is this:  my experience with God in the midst of messy living is often something that is revealed to me in hindsight, not the heat of battle.  But because this has happened, I try to surround myself with reminders of the possibility of his presence, especially during seasons of grief and loss.

Here’s what I suggest to those suffering this holiday season.  Try to hang out this holiday season with people who can remind you of God’s presence even if you yourself are feeling spiritually low.  People who have taught you that they get what it is like to stumble around in the dark with a limp...and have survived to tell the tale.  Those need to be your peeps this holiday season! 

This holiday season aggressively seek out opportunities to be around people who support your recovery.  And even though it doesn’t feel like it is true, look for ways to support someone else in their recovery.  I know it is hard when you don’t feel well, but try to find a way to help others.

Give yourself permission to respond to challenges in new ways

It seems like all our collective family dysfunctions come out to play during the holiday season.

I want to encourage us to remember that not only do each of us walk with a limp, every family has its own, shall we say….special challenges??  Despite the lovely artistic renderings of families portrayed by Norman Rockwell, there really is no such thing as an ideal, “normal” family.  At least if there is, I haven’t met one. 

Am I suggesting that we double down and try to improve our functionality so as to make the season a bit more enjoyable?  Well, that would be nice but….let’s face it, some things in families never get fixed.

It is the relentless pursuit of getting everyone “fixed” that I believe causes the most distress in families.  This year let’s take the pressure off and abandon the expectation of perfection.  Instead, let’s try to appreciate the fact that most of us are doing the best we can much of the time.  We can figure out ways to mitigate harm.  We can make new and better choices.

There are some exceptions to this everyone-is-doing-their-best mentality; these require special circumstances.  We do not ignore abusers or predators in a vain attempt to have one day when the entire clan can gather.  We do not put our family members at risk by hanging out with folks who have taught us that they are unsafe.  Can’t stand the thought of not seeing Uncle Billy even though you have twenty years of holidays when he has gotten all liquored up and started an ugly fight with Aunt Ruth? 

Ok, well, accommodate the dysfunction but don’t allow it to control the day OR expose your children to toxic fumes.  What about meeting them out somewhere in public, grab a lovely breakfast out that is both safe and less likely to be boozey?  And, if the mimosas flow too freely, hey, you can easily go home early.  That would be a sobering experience!! Here’s the thing - the holidays are a lousy time to use denial as a strategy for coping, but with creativity and discernment, we can accommodate the inevitable limitations in each family and find a way to love well. 

God is okay with our limitations

There’s a lot of pressure to have the “perfect” holiday season; Christians even argue over how to have the perfect Spiritually aware season.  But God doesn’t carry the burden of those expectations around with him, demanding that we straighten up and fly right.  It’s okay with God that we walk with a limp, that we have limitations, AND he continues to give us opportunities to realize that this is true. 

So.  As you wrap those presents and stuff that Christmas goose, maybe take some time to admit your own limitations.  Do you care more about your clean floors than choosing to have friends and family over?  Hospitality is messy and lots of work!  Do you care more about what you receive than what you give to others?  Are you so concerned with appearances that you are willing to bust your budget for a couple hours of gluttonous giving?  Willing to eat your way into a diabetic coma without regard for your health? 

Sometimes when we do not know that we know that we know that we have God’s blessing, we get all confused and start looking for it in all the wrong people and places.  This holiday, what if we start with a commitment to remember that we ALL walk with a limp?

Embrace limitations in the season of high expectations

One problem with Christmas is the weight of expectation we unduly place on the holiday.  My mother’s decline as a result of dementia was first noticeable the year she used paper products instead of her good china for the holiday meal.  It was a strategic decision but one that left her restless and discontent.  She acknowledged that the holiday feast was too much for her, but was unwilling to allow her children to help.  The best she could muster was giving in to the use of paper products for the sake of an easier clean up.

It was very difficult for my mother to ever walk with a limp.  Even the last few weeks of her life she needed me and others to believe that she was still able to “do what she always did.”  Untrue, but an essential varnishing of a truth she could not bear - her ability to contribute to the smooth running of her home was slipping beyond her grasp.  Here’s what I wish my mom had been able to accept:  we all walk with a limp.  We all have limitations.  It is not the limitations that cause problems, it is the refusal to acknowledge them that gets us into hot water.

Tomorrow, I want to spend some time thinking through this idea that we all walk with a limp, and consider how knowing this can change the way we experience Christmas this year.  In a good way.

But for now, ask yourself this question:  would your life be (a.) more joyful or (b.) less joyful if you could embrace, accept and even appreciate the limitations of yourself and others?

Re-thinking The "Christmas Spirit"

One year I lost my Christmas Spirit.  My propensity to love everything Christmas is an inherited trait from my mother - a woman who especially loved the gifts she received!  But as Alzheimer’s stole her piece-by-piece, it was both inevitable and grievous that she lost her Christmas spunk. 

I developed a Christmas malaise the year I realized I had lost my partner in celebrating Christmas cheer and commercialism. My mother did not suffer any shame or unnecessary anguish about her love for Christmas somehow competing with her faith.  At Christmas, more was more and that was A-OK. During that spiritual malaise, I was doing what I do and reading the scriptures on a fairly regular basis. 

One day I came across that strange story in Genesis (18) where the Lord AGAIN promises Abraham and Sarah a son.  Sarah scoffs at this suggestion as she is now old and resigned to her barren state.  When the Lord asks her why she laughed, Sarah lies and says, “I didn’t laugh.” In Russ Ramsey’s book entitled Behold the Lamb of God, he suggests that Sarah’s laugh was “the laugh of turning away.” (p.33)  He reminds us that in Genesis 21:6-7 the Lord didn’t permit Sarah to stay stuck in her funk. The birth of Isaac ushered in a season of love and joy but it was preceded by decades of longing and confusion.   This story made me think about my own empty heart and Scroogey attitude.  I was suddenly more curious than apathetic; I considered the possibility that God would not sanction my indulgence of self-pity any more than he had allowed it in Sarah.  Maybe, I thought, the time will come when I will experience a return of joy.

Where are you this holiday season? 

Soon we will celebrate the birth of Jesus.  I am a fan of making a big splash with lots of lights and tinsel.  Here’s my advice to you - don’t let anyone shame you this holiday season with Grinchy ideas about how spiritual people SHOULD celebrate.  Instead, go all out!  Decorate!  Bake cookies.  Don’t allow the Lifetime Movie Network to be the only place where people dare to believe in love and miracles and the power of hot cocoa and cookies to restore a thirsty soul.  God has always shown up in mysterious ways - let’s allow his spirit of joy to permeate our festivities!!