How Come I Don’t Get Invited to Christmas Brunch?

I was no longer invited on family vacations, and my parents didn’t try to come up with plausible reasons why: We just don’t want to be with you, they would tell me. And I didn’t even care. (Indeed, this past year, I was surprised to be told about a trip to Alaska my parents and siblings had taken while I was still using.) Whenever anyone in my family went out of town, they had to check in at least once a day in case I died. This wasn’t maudlin, just the reality I had imposed on my family’s lives.

Seth Mnookin, “Harvard and Heroin”

I know not all of us end up at Harvard addicted to heroin. But we all have our...things. And those “things”, those dependencies make it hard for us to be fully present in the lives of those we love. This causes problems. Problems cause disconnects. Disconnects create conflict and confusion and isolation.

Forget about a list of people you have harmed. Instead, try making a list of “uncomfortable” relationships that are not quite right. Get curious. What’s up? This is the list that has one common denominator. You. This in no way means you are ‘THE PROBLEM’ but it does mean that some common issues may run through your list.

Tomorrow, we’ll get a bit more pragmatic. Ditch the idea that the only bad problems are associated with Harvard of heroin and consider less dramatic but still difficult problems.

The Issue with Comparisons

Years ago Pete and I were at a party and someone asked the crowd, “What is the most embarrassing thing you ever did?” And off to the races we all went, whipping out our most embarrassing moments in a crazy competition for most gut-wrenching moment of self-abasement.

Until this. (And it really helps if you watched the classic movie The Goonies to imagine this story in the voice of Chunk. If not, too bad for you cause it would be a lot funnier if you could!)

“One time in college, me and my friends went out to eat and that was a big deal because we were all really poor…..And we noticed that these people left their table with French friends and stuff still on their plate and we were really hungry so…..we went over and started eating what they left...(big pause)...But then they came back cause they were only going to the bathroom.”

Game over. This most embarrassing story has just won all the honors.

We cringed. We fell silent. Then we laughed and laughed and laughed.

What we really did was compare. And once we found the person with a story worse than any story of our own - that we would be willing to tell - whew! Sweet relief!

If you think you have harmed someone but hear a little voice in your head say, “But I didn’t intend to...and what about what so-and-so did? They are much worse than me...” that’s normal but it’s also time to get some support and accountability to help you sort through your harming ways.

Learn to prioritize what really matters

Education is the ability to listen to almost anything without losing your temper or your self-confidence. - Robert Frost

At a time of conflict when we need to be at our best in terms of listening...we stop listening. We are all pretty good at dividing things up into categories: Republican/Democrat, Catholic/Protestant, Black/White, Good/Bad.

This is not serving us well. We are dismissive of people and their beliefs when they do not align with our own. Why do we do that? Why aren’t we more willing to look for our commonalities rather than fighting over our various thoughts on how to apply our convictions?

If we think about the upcoming election year in the midst of all our division - this seems like the perfect time to remind ourselves of this: in a time of personal crisis, the person most like to step up to the plate and sacrifice for us is someone who we may disagree with on many issues but love nonetheless.

I am pretty sure my brother and I will always vote a different ticket. But if I am in crisis and I need him to drop everything and drive from Atlanta to Richmond, he will do so with no questions asked.

I know virtual strangers who will agree and vote like me in elections, but they will NOT drive ten hours to bring me a cup of coffee and a shoulder to cry on.

We need to adjust our priorities and our skills accordingly.

CHALLENGE: I want to challenge you to really work hard at loving people without demanding that they agree with you on your hot button beliefs. OK? Try.

May God guide you in the new year

Gather round, ye children, come

Listen to the old, old story

Of the power of death undone

By an infant born of glory

Son of God

Son of man

May your new year find a fuller expression of your growing wisdom, your favor with God and with humankind.

No matter how the year ends, God is with you

Today, I pray that you have time to reflect on the year you have experienced.  I pray that you will have the eyes to see where God is with you and in you and for you. I invite you to open up to the possibility that God has gone before you and is with you and will be there after you have moved through this particular time and space.

May we have the humility to recognize when our fears, judgments, resentments, frustrations, ruminations, beliefs, hopes in things not God, teach us that we are not actively believing when we allow these things to rule us and guide our steps.

Let’s pray for each other.  We all need it!