Empathy for Outbursts

For a month’s worth of posts, I (Scott) am critiquing my own past blog posts. I’m viewing this as an experiment in being willing to admit when I’m wrong, change my mind, and to do so publicly.

Our unhealthy reactions (or outbursts) to deeper problems that hide beneath the surface represent our body's attempt to distance itself from something unpleasant.  I've used grief as an example this month as grief is what hides beneath the surface for me at the moment.  Other unpleasant things our bodies avoid include: trauma, stress, anxiety, fear, betrayal, threats, the future, the past, the present, the unknown, and so on and so forth.  Each individual person maintains triggers that are particular to him or her and those are simply some of the options.  

The bottom line is, regardless of what triggers us, our reaction to the trigger, when we're unaware of what lies beneath, is unlikely to result in others extending empathy towards us.  This is because our reactions appear so unrelated to the reality of what lies that beneath that the people that are caught up in our outbursts cannot help but feel anything other than confused, annoyed, angry, resentful, etc.  An outburst does not provide the people around us the information they need in our bear a burden alongside us.  

An outburst is a sign that we need help, but people generally don't experience outbursts that way.  It tends to be that people on the receiving end of an outburst see the person who "outbursted" as a person to avoid.  

Scott on Scott:

I actually kind of like this post. It’s important to take time to reflect on how other people are experiencing us. It’s also important to take time to reflect on how we are actually doing. It is, then, important to be able to voice how we are doing to others and to, potentially, ask for what we need (if we need something). This way people can respond to us based on what’s going on with us and what we need rather than just our reactions to things. 

Also, if you want to receive empathy, it’s a good idea to offer as much of it to others as you can (as well as grace).

Embracing Powerlessness

For a month’s worth of posts, I (Scott) am critiquing my own past blog posts. I’m viewing this as an experiment in being willing to admit when I’m wrong, change my mind, and to do so publicly.

There are things in life that we can't control and that we're not happy about.  We have neither the permission to influence these circumstances nor the capacity to do so.  We do not need to judge our initial reaction to these circumstances.  Our reaction is whatever our reaction is and that is acceptable.  But, at the same time, it's important to know when things are far enough outside of our control that there is nothing we can do about it.  

Granted, we will struggle (that is, in the moment) to recognize an encounter with powerlessness unless we're already accustomed to living in reality.  We resist seeing powerlessness for what it is because it confirms one of our deepest fears:  We can't prevent unpleasant things from happening.  Our bodies will go to great lengths in order to protect us from this uncomfortable truth.  Denial is one example of this.  

New Scott v. Old Scott:

You all are probably tired of hearing my new-to-me take on denial. I now believe that denial is the perfectly natural byproduct of being confronted or challenged over something that is somewhat sensitive. 

That said- I largely agree with this post. It is definitely uncomfortable to have unwanted things happen to us in life. There is no “good” way to avoid unpleasant events and unpleasant reactions to events. However, it is helpful for us to be aware that unpleasant events cause chain reactions of feelings and behavior- and we can learn how to better tolerate these reactions and, then, choose responses that are more in-line with who we want to be. 

Jesus Shows the Way

Jesus was a good man but he was not such a good god (according to Barbara Brown Taylor) if you compare him to all the gods that came before him. He was not big and strong and demanding that his followers feed his ego. He was like no other god before him - a suffering one.

So let's make a note of that right off the top: we have freedom which gives us liberty but it does not give us license to do whatever feels good. We have the freedom to choose but our choices are boundaried ones. And they cause suffering.

Just because something is technically legal doesn't mean that it's spiritually appropriate. If I went around doing whatever I thought I could get by with, I'd be a slave to my whims.

1 Corinthians 6:12 The Message

Here's why: we are conditioned to think, feel and act in ways that are contrary to what John the Baptist came preaching and Jesus modeled. John the Baptist preached repentance - not out of guilt or shame, but his was a liberation theology - you can be saved from your old life and receive a new one. This assumes of course that our old lives are unsatisfactory. And I see no reason to think that has changed much.

Our survival instincts, long bred within us cry out for the same characteristics ancient mankind attributed to their gods - strength and power and domination. But Jesus did not come to appeal to our lowest instincts, he came to call us to our highest potential - a whole brain experience. He came to transform the world by loving it, not controlling it. Which, interestingly enough, models the same thing God modeled. Here's the thing I will never understand about God. He chose to enter into a partnership with humanity by inviting us to be part of running the world. He did not make us start at the bottom of the pyramid and work our way up into a position of worthiness. Straight after creating Adam and Eve, he says - "Here, run the place." (Genesis 1 - 3 gives us a good look at God's big idea and the rocky launch his concept endured.)

Most of the time it seems that it is more natural for us to run the world based on preferences, on finding a pattern that our brain can accept - us and them. This is our survival instinct - and it looks different for different people. At our house we play team game tag, which basically means Pops and Christian and Norah against Meme. Pops has a great self-preservation instinct, he's always ahead of the kids. Others among us think our survival depends on finding our one true love - who completes us - or finding a group we can belong to who will keep us safe. However our instincts define survival, we are well practiced at it; this has unintended consequences.

What happens when our fears and insecurities cause us to over-react in a frenzy for survival? What happens when we see danger lurking around every corner? Stay tuned.

Mindfulness of Reactions

“The practice of mindfulness is not reserved for the meditation cushion...If we are able to wake up, if only occasionally and for a few moments at first, stand back from the ongoing drama of our lives and take an objective look at the habit patterns in which we are caught, then their compulsive hold over us begins to loosen. We dis-identify from them; that is, we begin to see that those thoughts and feelings are not us. They come along accidentally. They are neither an organic part of us nor are we obliged to follow them.”*

In the children’s book, “Tiger, Tiger, Is it True?,” Tiger jumps out of bed and his foot lands on a toy. He goes crashing down. He knows, with certainty, in that instant, that he is going to have a rotten day. And the day does not disappoint. It is as rotten as he expected it to be when he first slipped and fell.

Tiger could have had another thought, one that went like this, “Oh my gosh. Mom told me to pick up my toys and I left them all over the floor. This is what I can expect to happen if I leave small toys lying all over my room. This hurts. I do not like this feeling. I would rather clean up my room than have this happen again.”

Tiger’s first reaction set up the book for a lovely dramatic climax and satisfying resolution. Option two is an example of mindfulness, paying attention, in action. Mindfulness is not some whoo whoo practice, it is a call to attentiveness.

This makes it possible for us to check our thoughts and feelings before they wreck our day, week, month, and sometimes life.

You have searched me, Lord,

and you know me.

You know when I sit and when I rise;

you perceive my thoughts from afar.

You discern my going out and my lying down;

you are familiar with all my ways.

Psalm 139:1-3 NIV

The scriptures remind us in so many ways how much God knows about us and how little we understand ourselves. Maybe today we could go to the source for our self-understanding.

God, hear our cries!

---

*Snelling, J. (1991). The buddhist Handbook. Rochester, VT: Inner Traditions, 55.

Humanity is Beautiful!

For the eyes of the LORD range throughout the earth to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to him.

2 Chronicles 16:9 NIV

I absolutely cannot change my reactions to situations that trigger me. All my old survival instincts kick in and I am off to the races with my shortcomings leading the way. Decades into my recovery and I STILL find myself thinking stinking thoughts, having self-pity parties, and behaving in ways that do not match the person I want to be in this world. Does this mean that God has not removed my shortcomings? Does it mean that he has tried but I hold them so tightly in my hands that even he cannot pry them loose? I do not know.

But the re-occurrences remind me of my humanity, my fragility and my absolute powerlessness over my dependencies. I have noticed one difference. I am not as frustrated by my foibles as I once was because I can see the benefits of humility. I have the capacity for more patience with others as I have learned how to be more patient with myself.

I was in a meeting last night when one gal shamed another for daring to suggest that he might not be attending as many meetings because of her work schedule. Her sponsor, the shame giver said, “Well, my experience is that you will probably relapse because this certainly teaches me that you do not care very much about your recovery.” Ouch.

This young sponsee may not have the inside scoop to understand that this is coming from a place of humiliation, not wisdom. This sponsor is currently going through her own dark night of the soul and not able to quite use her tools of recovery at the moment.

I imagine how differently this reaction could have gone. What if the sponsor had said, “Whoohoo, you getting that job is so great. You are ready for it! How can I help with your schedule? Would you like to meet for lunch on weeks when you cannot make your regular meetings?”

Humility is a beautiful gift. It reminds us that we are only responsible for owning the truth about ourselves. We have no head space for judging others. This step is one that helps us do what we need to do so that humility finds a welcome home in us.