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Change is possible if you do THIS
Step 2: We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
We are in the midst of a series on the 12 steps and exploring how they might be used beyond recovery circles (though including, of course, how they are used there).
In terms of how I approach writing and talking about anything I always ask myself, What is the essence? What is the essence of whatever it is I am meant to say something about. I ask myself this because, if I don’t have some idea about the heart of the matter then it could be the case that I’m getting ready to miss the point entirely.
Russell Brand- actor, comedian, writer, and provocateur is a person in recovery and he has written his own version of the 12 steps. Now, he enjoys pushing buttons and so there is some foul language in his 12 steps. That’s your warning. If you need to go grab some pearls so that you can clutch them as you read his version of steps 1 and 2…do it now. I’ll leave a few extra line spaces in here to give you a minute.
Here goes. From Russell Brand’s, The Program.
Step 1: Are you a bit f*cked? (editor’s note: instead of that star, imagine there’s a U)
Step 2: Could you not be f*cked? (ed note 2: imagine the U again)
Okay, so his versions are almost too short for us to see the essence right away. I love how he’s formatted The Program though. These are questions, not statements. It is up to you to decide how you want to answer the questions.
In the spirit of that, here is how I imagine Brand sees the essence of steps 1 and 2: Do you believe you’ve got some problems that have gotten completely out of hand? Do you believe that if you make some radical changes you can get better?
Much of the talk that surrounds step 2 is about this “power greater than ourselves.” What/who is that power? Do I have to believe in god to believe in a power greater than myself? Which god do I have to believe in? What if I don’t believe in god!?
These questions are answered quite easily in 12 step communities: this doesn’t have to be about god, you just have to believe that change comes from somewhere outside of yourself.
But this doesn’t quite feel like the essence to me. No- I’d point to something else altogether: hope.
As far as I’m concerned, we’re not meant to be bogged down by questions about what we need to believe in (though, of course, what we believe in is very important to me). Instead, we have the opportunity to believe that change is possible.
You see, we often read step 2 as if it says, change is possible IF you give up. And, when we read it like that, it can sound pretty hopeless.
A different way of saying something quite similar might be: change is possible IF you stop fighting yourself.
That, to my eye, feels much closer to the essence of step 2. We need reminders that change can happen. Full stop. We need those reminders often. And, we talked about this a little bit last week as well, there’s a little bit of a wild dynamic at play when it comes to getting sober. People have told me quite often that they feel like it becomes easier to stop doing something when you stop trying to stop.
This is not the same thing as giving up, but it is about giving up a certain kind of battle with yourself. Entering treatment, entering a 12 step room, or simply calling and asking someone else for help is a way of ending the battle with yourself. This happens by inviting in some outside voices (aka asking for help). When you do this, someone else says, “Try doing this for a while,” and all of a sudden you’re doing something as opposed to trying so damn hard NOT to do something.
That’s the essence, isn’t it? Can we acknowledge that change is possible and we need some help?
The funny thing is: now we’re talking about something completely universal. You don’t need to have a substance use issue to see the brilliance of this. We spend so much time feeling hopeless about things. Maybe feeling hopeless about how we feel. Or hopeless about someone else’s life and/or their life circumstances. Or about the nature of society. Or our jobs. Or our romantic relationships. Or whatever.
Regardless of the source of the problem: change is possible.
The question then becomes: How do you want to try to change? Who are you going to seek out? What are you going to try?
I don’t know how you feel about that- but I find that way more interesting than, “Which higher power do I choose?”
16 Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. 17 For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 18 So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
2 Corinthians 4:16-18, NIV
Some things haven’t worked, so let’s try something new.
We admitted we were powerless over our dependencies — that our lives had become unmanageable.
For those following along at home, we’re in the middle of a new series where we are marching through the 12 steps. We’re spending a couple weeks with each step and trying to explore the benefits that anyone might experience from working the steps, no matter your life circumstances.
Today I’m going to give you some personal opinions on how to look at step 1. These are simply my thoughts from where I sit today. They do not reflect teaching that is common in 12 step communities (as far as I know). I’m simply trying to articulate one possible way of interpreting step 1 based on what I find most hopeful about it. And the reason I’m doing that is because people sometimes struggle to see the hope in it.
A few years ago- we had a newbie walk into our Wednesday night men’s group. He was brand new to the group as well as to recovery and he shaped our entire conversation that night because he wanted to learn about step 1. He was legitimately curious about it- but also pretty off put by it. He had an issue in is life that he wanted to change quite desperately because it was causing problems for him in his home life and he felt like step 1 was telling him, “There is nothing that can be done about this.”
As a group we did our best to try to help him see that there’s a bit more going on than that…but I’m pretty sure we were unsuccessful. He seemed increasingly deflated as the meeting went on. When we wrapped up, he very kindly thanked us all and left and we never saw or heard from him again.
To my way of thinking (and I’m just one person with one way of thinking), that’s a problem. I don’t want people walking out of their first effort at getting help feeling rather hopeless about it. And I don’t want the process of recovery itself to seem like an obstacle.
Now, I know what I’m saying here can be controversial in 12 step communities. In these communities it can be quite popular to look at this situation in other ways. For instance:
He’s not ready to change
He hasn’t hit bottom (and needs to)
It’s good for recovery to be hard work (this makes it more rewarding)
Now, we could point and counterpoint any of these ideas, but that’s not really what I’m interested in today. I’m interested in something simpler. It’s easy to blame people for the reasons that they do not engage the change process. It’s harder to find ways to decrease barriers to change. Change has enough barriers. No change is easy. The more barriers there are, the less likely people are to do it.
Think about it. Let’s say you go in for a doctor’s appointment tomorrow and they come out and say. “Bad news. You’re not healthy and you need to get healthy. And you need to decrease stress. You need to start right away. I already made a plan for you, here it is:
Strength train 3x per week (15-20 sets of 10-15 reps per major muscle group per week)
Mobility work/yoga/stretching twice per week
7,000 steps per day
Eat 100g of protein per day
Eat vegetables with every meal
Exclusively eat fruit for snacks
Consume no more than 1800 calories per day
Meditate for 20 minutes per day, preferably in the morning
Meat with a counselor once per week
Meet with a psychiatrist once per month and get put on medication for anxiety”
Let’s say that happens. Where would you get started?
Now, some of you are able to answer that question and if that’s you- congratulations. But most people are going to look at that list and go cross-eyed. Even if you could identify a starting point, you’re quite unlikely to do it. Why? Because nobody likes being told how to live and if someone gives you a rigid and exhaustive plan for your life without your input then chances are you’re going to be pretty annoyed by it. If we’re being really really real, most people are going to say, “I don’t have time for this,” if nothing else.
That list would make for some pretty daggone healthy living (the calories might not be relevant- but whatever- it’s just an example). But- it’s also a lot of work. It’s too much change to try to do at once. And, guess what, if we’re given too much to do at once it feels overwhelming. If things are overwhelming, we don’t do them.
That’s a natural human response. It’s not something that happens to weak-willed or undisciplined people, it’s something that happens to everyone (though the exact areas of life in which it happens might vary).
If you want change to happen, change needs to feel possible. This is true no matter what kind of change we’re talking about, whether it's health or substance use. We’re not doing anyone any favors by telling them how hard it is going to be to change- they already know that. What they don’t tend to know is that change can happen.
For all these reasons- I want Step 1 to feel like an exciting possibility as opposed to one more barrier to change. I wish the newbie who entered my men’s group a few years back had left thinking, “Wow- I get it now- my life can and will be different. And I can get started right now. I don’t have to wait.” But he didn’t think that. That’s a failure of mine.
Given that- this over-long post is for him. Here is how I would introduce Step 1 to him if I could do it all over again. The rest of this post is going to be a completely made up conversation between myself and this gentleman (who we’ll just call “newbie” for the sake of continuity). And yes, it’s a made up conversation so it will go really smoothly. This isn’t about reflecting reality. This is just me trying to unpack my thoughts in a new and different way.
We admitted we were powerless over our dependencies — that our lives had become unmanageable.
Newbie: Alright- tell me about Step 1. I don’t like this talk about powerlessness- it makes me feel like I’m stuck with this and that nothing can be done and I’m never going to get better and my life is only going to get worse
Scott: Great question. Let’s try to set aside the word powerless for a second and talk about the spirit of this step. I think, and I could be wrong, it’s trying to illustrate a few things:
You’ve got a relationship with something that’s causing problems you can’t ignore
Your attempts to solve it on your own haven’t worked out yet
What do you make of these ideas?
Newbie: Well, yes, this thing I’m doing is definitely causing problems and I haven’t sorted it out just yet. Surely there’s more to it than that. That much is obvious.
Scott: Yes and no. There doesn’t have to be much more to it than that. This is about acknowledging that if you don’t change anything about your life then things aren’t going to get any better.
Newbie: But it says powerless- that sounds like nothing can be done
Scott: That is confusing- what this is really getting at is that there are certain habits that have been established that need to be broken in order for change to occur and one of the things that a lot of people tell me is that they need some help to break those habits. Another way of looking at this is to say, I’m not going to solve the problem simply by trying to stop doing the thing that’s causing the problem.
Newbie: What do you mean by that?
Scott: One of the things that people tend to find is that just trying to stop doing something actually makes it harder to stop. Now, learning how to break habits is a huge part of the process, but people also find that being surrounded with support, learning new ways to manage stress, adding in new habits or hobbies or activities play a huge role in making changes. Sometimes we have to start doing some things in order to stop doing other things. What do you think?
Newbie: Well, there are certainly things I’d rather do with my time. It’s been rather consumed by this thing I can’t stop doing.
Scott: So what would you like to do with your time? What do you need more of in order to heal and recover?
I’m going to stop the fake conversation here, because I think I’ve made all the points I’d like to make. I will add on, though, that this is not really that different from any number of conversations I’ve had with substance use clients. As a counselor, I don’t want people thinking just about stopping using substances, I want them thinking about what they want and need out of life.
And we can approach Step 1 with this same kind of forward looking mentality. Step 1 is a way of saying, The old ways aren’t working, I’m going to try something new and different.
Too much time and effort is spent, in my opinion, getting people to acknowledge exactly how badly the old ways are failing and not enough time is spent talking about trying something new and different. That, again, to me, is the hope of the 12 steps: There are other things to try and those other things than facilitate change.
We could spend loads of time talking about what we can’t do…but it is more helpful to people, in the long run, to focus on what they can do.
If I could do it again- that’s how I’d teach the newbie Step 1. It’s not about your failures and it’s not about your inability to change. It’s an invitation to try things in a new and different way.
So then, if anyone is in Christ, that person is part of the new creation. The old things have gone away, and look, new things have arrived!
~ 2 Corinthians 5:17, CEB
Step 1 for everyone: Powerless but capable.
I have been reconciling myself to the nature of addiction my entire life. In one form or another it has haunted me. Good, good people I love have gone to jail because of their substance use disorder; others have died. Those are the public humiliations; but what about the private ones? It is possible for a family to suffer from the affliction of one compulsion or another in excruciating silence, loneliness and isolation. I know this burn too.
One way we cope with such suffering is to deny it; over-spiritualize it; try to control it through ninja mind games. In my work in recovery, I always HATED it when someone showed up to tell me how God had cured their affliction. It caused me to shiver; I probably made a face, which is not cool but it happens. Here is why: I am hardwired to associate someone believing God has cured them with an imminent relapse. Does it always happen? No. Does God cure people of all sorts of things? Do miracles happen? Yes.
But when a person 30 days sober tells me that God has cured them and the 12-steps, particularly the first one: We admitted we were powerless over our dependency and that our lives had become unmanageable is a sign that someone does not have enough faith, I cringe. Oftentimes, within a few weeks, this dear soul has returned to use.
"By the Book" has a quote that I love. "I think...the first step is not about we admitted 'we are powerless over alcohol and our lives had become unmanageable,' meaning life isn't manageable because I am powerless over alcohol. THE DEEPER MEANING OF THAT STATEMENT IS MY LIFE IS UNMANAGEABLE and I drink alcohol as a way of dealing with that; it is a symptom of the unmanageability." Yes. Amen.
So please, don't tell me that God has miraculously cured you of your compulsion to drink unless and until you can show me that you have acknowledged how unmanageable your life is with or without alcohol (or drugs, or shopping, or shoplifting or watching porn instead of writing a sermon or cheating on your spouse or eating a jar of peanut butter in one sitting). Compulsions come in many forms; we humans are extremely creative. No need for those of us who don't even drink alcohol to be cocky about this - we all have ways we cope, often compulsively, with unmanageable lives.
Even the Apostle Paul, who once wrote, "...I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations...At first I didn't think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me, my grace is enough; it's all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness." 2 Corinthians 12, The Message
In my view, it is always a good indicator that we are living in an unmanageable manner when we try to convince ourselves and others that we have life figured out. We're all good. We're cured. ESPECIALLY if we blame God for it.
Why do I say blame? Because this notion that any of us have life all figured out is an arrogance that none of us can afford to indulge in. As one of my favorite singer songwriters in the world sings, "Nobody has got it all together". Life is unmanageable.
Life will always be unmanageable because we were not created to manage life, we were given the gift of the life of being human - which by definition is fraught with limitations. Paul went on to write, "...the weaker I get, the stronger I become." Yes. Again, amen.
When I acknowledge my weakness I am more inclined to live with more humility and less hubris. If I am wise in my weakness I seek out relationships of inter-dependence that provide both solace and support along the journey. Maybe this admission allows me to be more compassionate and less judgy - at least I hope so.
If today is one of those days where you feel like you have got it all together, great. That is awesome. But do not build a whole belief system on such a shaky foundation. Instead consider Paul, who writes bout how he quit focusing on his handicap and began appreciating the opportunity for Christ's strength to move in on his weakness.
The Parable of the Concerned Father
We’re about to close out our series on everything you should have learned in Sunday school. Yes, I’m skipping over a lot of stuff. I drew attention to things I feel like are often neglected and the stuff that interests me personally and the rest we’ll just leave for another time and space. I assume that’s okay!
This week we’re going to talk about a few more parables that kind of play off each other. Most notably, we’ll talk about the Prodigal Son. Or, as I like to call it, the Parable of the Concerned Father. Despite what you may have been taught in Sunday school- this parable is about the father in the story, and not the son. This is because parables are intended to teach something about God (or about the kingdom of God). Not so much about people.
Before we do that- take a second to reflect on your relationship with your parents as you transitioned into adulthood. What was that like?
It’s not the same for everyone, obviously, but this tends to be a difficult transition for everyone. Parents have a difficult time learning to stop acting like parents and to become guides or facilitators or, dare I say, friends. A parents’ role stops being about teaching kids how to live and preparing them for life and, instead, to become co-learners about what adult life looks like (and maybe to share some wisdom and experience when called upon).
As for the kids- they want to assert themselves and their independence and they want to experiment with adult life. They want to try things for themselves and they want to learn from their own experiences. Life is not about merely avoiding bad outcomes. Parents often think their job is to make sure their children avoid bad outcomes (because parents love their children and do not want to see them in pain). This is not the role that kids want their parents to play. Kids don’t necessarily want to experience pain. But they do want to experience the freedom of making their own choices. If that causes pain from time to time, well, we’ll figure that out later. (Parents forget that this is exactly how they wanted to experience early adulthood).
Life in the New Testament areas was more different to ours than we could possibly imagine- but it seems like the story of the Concerned Father highlights some similarities to this experience of watching a child transition into adulthood.
Before we talk about The Concerned Father, let’s talk about Luke 15 in general. In the CEB, this chapter is titled “Occasions for Celebration.” That tells us something. It tells us that the focus of these stories is celebration (not judgment). Now, of course, these titles were added after the fact and are not part of scripture. In the first parable (where a shepherd finds a lost sheep) the point, according to Jesus, is to celebrate the return of the sheep. In the second parable, a woman finds a lost piece of silver, which Jesus also refers to as a cause for celebration. In the third parable, The Concerned Father teaches the son who did not run away that the prodigal’s return home is good news worth celebrating because it means that he is home, alive, and safe.
These stories are told as a response to the grumbling of the Pharisees and legal experts who believe that Jesus should not eat with sinners. For Jesus, the fact that sinners are willing to eat with him is a cause for celebration.
It is so easy to focus on the wrong detail or to put the emphasis on the wrong syllable. The Pharisees are focused on who Jesus’ dinner guests were. Jesus is focused on who his dinner guests are becoming.
The same could be said for parent-child relationships. Because time, in a way, passes so “quickly” it becomes hard for parents to distinguish between the 5 year old version of their kid and the 25 year old version of their kid. I don’t want Norah to grow up. I want her to be 5 forever. When she’s 25 I’m going to be awfully upset that she’s getting drunk with friends and staying out until all hours of the night and not calling me to check in and let me know how she’s doing. At that point, I’ll be way too focused on who she was and not who she is becoming.
So often when we tell the story of the Concerned Father we focus on who the prodigal son was. He asked for his inheritance early (disrespectful), ran away, spent the money, lived in danger. Look what a rotten son he was. But that isn’t what the Concerned Father sees. He doesn’t see a disrespectful youth. He doesn’t see a sinner. He doesn’t see a kid in need of guidance. He sees a beloved son, who returned home safe and sound. And that is cause for celebration.
Did your parents celebrate you as you were coming into your own?
Did you celebrate your children when they were coming into their own?
Probably not- and that’s okay. We’re all human beings and we have feelings and thoughts and opinions and we don’t always act exactly how we think we should. But, the reason these things might not have happened is because we focus on the wrong details. Like the Pharisees, we’re all too often focused on the past. It’s nice to sprinkle in the present, and some optimism about the future from time to time.
The Concerned Father, it’s almost too obvious to say, represents God. And in this way- we get a glimpse of how God views humans and what God considers to be worthy of a celebration. While we are lost in the past, and the details, and the disrespect, and the acting-out, and so on and so forth, God recognizes that a safe journey home is far more worthy of a celebration than a drunken night out is worth condemnation.
May we all learn something from this. May we learn the importance of celebrating a safe return home. May we learn the importance of both looking for, and recognizing, who a person is becoming (as opposed to only seeing the things they’ve done).
The Parable of the Sleepy Farmer
We are continuing on in our series about all the stuff you woulda/coulda/shoulda learned in Sunday school. One of those things is parables. Another is the Kingdom of God. Sometimes those things overlap.
Parables give little glimpses of individual elements of what the kingdom of God is like. Imagine modern day Jesus, hanging out at Venice Beach, telling stories that start like this, “Well, like, you know, the Kingdom of God is kinda like this…”
No one parable gives the full story of the kingdom of God but, hopefully, they add up to something. Before I go any further- let me just say a quick word about the “big picture” of what the kingdom of God is. The Bible describes hope for a different kind of future for all of creation, and it does so in different ways. It literally talks about a new creation. It talks about the joining of heaven and earth. It talks about the coming of the kingdom of God. In any case, the idea is that God is at work changing and perfecting creation so that it one day fully embodies all of the things God has always hoped for.
What did God hope for? God hoped that humanity would take care of each other and creation. God hopes that all of creation, all of reality, will embody his values: faith, hope, love, grace, mercy, forgiveness, justice, and so on and so forth. And so, in short, the kingdom of God is a new reality that God is in the process of creating from all the stuff that already exists in creation. In other words, He’s transforming everything that is into the best possible version of itself. This means there will be peace, kindness, gentleness, and harmony. There will be no tears. I suppose we could say it will be a kind of utopia…but not a utopia based on pleasure, as we see in novels, but one based on the virtues of God (like the ones listed above).
Alright, alright. I’m close to being out of my depth. That, hopefully, gives you a sketch of a kernel of an idea of what the Bible means when it refers to the kingdom of God. Now- as for today's parable (actually, parables).
26 Then Jesus said, “This is what God’s kingdom is like. It’s as though someone scatters seed on the ground, 27 then sleeps and wakes night and day. The seed sprouts and grows, but the farmer doesn’t know how. 28 The earth produces crops all by itself, first the stalk, then the head, then the full head of grain. 29 Whenever the crop is ready, the farmer goes out to cut the grain because it’s harvest time.”
~ Mark 4:26-29, CEB
This parable and the one below it are related to each other so we’re doing two parables today. I have to say- I love this parable. It is hands down my favorite. I call it the parable of the sleepy farmer. In this parable, a farmer scatters some seed. Maybe he’s intentional about it, but I certainly don’t get the impression that he’s really doing the heavy lifting in this parable. Why not? Because it says he doesn’t know how it’s growing. A true master farmer knows how things grow. He knows where to scatter the seed, how to care for the soil, how to time this all out with the seasons and so on and so on. This farmer throws some stuff on the ground and then goes and takes a nap. The farmer’s job is to scatter and then, later, to gather. The crop grows on its own.
How is this a parable for the kingdom of God? Well- I suppose it breaks down kinda like this. The farmer is a stand-in for people. We more or less scatter seed, trying to point to God, God’s work, or the kingdom of God, and then we wait for God to do the heavy lifting. When the time comes, we gather together. God brings God’s kingdom, people do not. We wait, we watch, we hope. Or maybe we sleep. But the responsibility is not on us to do the heavy work- in fact, the work is so subtle we may not even recognize the kingdom is coming even as it happens. Just as the farmer was confused by what he was seeing. That’s a very different image from the pastor who gets up and brags about all the good the congregation is doing. This parable implies that the farmer won’t be taking any credit for the crops because he’s too confused about where they came from to do so.
30 He continued, “What’s a good image for God’s kingdom? What parable can I use to explain it? 31 Consider a mustard seed. When scattered on the ground, it’s the smallest of all the seeds on the earth; 32 but when it’s planted, it grows and becomes the largest of all vegetable plants. It produces such large branches that the birds in the sky are able to nest in its shade.”
33 With many such parables he continued to give them the word, as much as they were able to hear.
~ Mark 4:30-33, CEB
We will not recognize the kingdom as it slowly arrives. This is because 1. God is the one doing the work, hovering in the background while we rest and wait. And 2. It’s because the work starts so small- barely perceptible. It begins in a whisper and though it ends with a shout, it will take quite some time to build to that particular fever pitch. The work that God is doing starts small and spreads slowly, but will one day take over and be able to offer a resting place even for creatures of the sky.
The kingdom of God will be brought by God, not by human effort. It will start small and spread slowly but it will one day be an all encompassing place of rest.
Not bad, eh?