Sometimes hope doesn’t feel like anything

We’ve gotten confused about what hope is. We talked about this last week, a bit. We talked about false optimism, specifically. That’s one mistake we make- thinking that hope is somehow similar to optimism. Another mistake we make is believing that hope makes us feel better…or that hope is what comes to us once we start to feel better. But, biblically, there are so many examples of hope being about what happens before someone truly believes or trust that the future might be brighter than the present. Here’s an example.

May your unfailing love be with us, Lord,

even as we put our hope in you.

~ Psalm 33:22, NIV

Here are a few things I notice about this passage. Placing hope in God seems to be an act of trust. This is the prayer of someone in a dark moment. They are not feeling hopeful about God. In fact, the act of placing hope in God seems unsettling. Because it’s so unsettling, they’re making a request: In exchange for my hope, surround me with love so that I can tolerate the challenge of placing my hope in You. That’s something, isn’t it? It’s very different than the false optimism of: I know you’re going to take care of me so I’m happy to place my hope in you.

A few other things I notice. Having hope doesn’t necessarily make us feel better. That’s why the person praying this prayer needs to be surrounded by love. Hope isn’t improving the emotional life of the pray-er. It’s more of a belief than a feeling, which suggests that hope, at least in this case, is more of a mental state than an emotional one. At the same time, that doesn’t mean we don’t receive something that helps us tolerate low hope and low belief. We do: it’s the love of God. The love of God helps us tolerate periods of low hope. And lastly, hope is a process- we are placing hope in God and trusting that doing so will have benefits. But having hope in and of itself does not immediately provide the benefit we’re looking for. That’s why we need love.

All that leads me to this: Hope is believing things can theoretically improve, even if we aren’t sure they will. Even if we’re worried they won’t. Even if our belief in the likelihood of them improving is small. And, while we’re waiting for these things to turn around or improve, love gives us the strength to carry on.

A better future is not as far away as it seems…

The last time I was at the beach I stood at the edge of the water looking at the horizon…as one does. Rather than simply starting- a question occurred to me for the first time in my life and, frankly, I was embarrassed I’d never thought of it before.

“How far away is the horizon?”

What I was wondering was- how far can I actually see right now? It feels like you’re seeing all the way to the end of the earth. It’s not hard to imagine why primitive people once thought the earth was flat…and why some oddballs still do (watch out or we’ll start talking about how Stanley Kubrick faked the moon landing). Jokes aside- I knew I couldn’t see the end of the earth- because I couldn’t even see land. If I could see all the way across I would have been able to see Portugal or Morocco or something like that. I’m not too good at geography.

But…surely the horizon is 100’s of miles away…right?

According to Google (and experimental AI), the horizon is about 3 miles away at sea level. 3 miles. That’s like an hour's walk (if you could walk across the ocean). In fact that’s disappointingly close. It feels vast and infinite to look out across the ocean but it’s actually the same distance as it is from your house to the grocery store. When I found that out- it sucked all the wonder out of that experience for me.

But I’m revisiting this experience this week as I think about hope. I’ll say more about this in a minute but let’s look at a passage first.

22 We know that the whole creation is groaning together and suffering labor pains up until now.23 And it’s not only the creation. We ourselves who have the Spirit as the first crop of the harvest also groan inside as we wait to be adopted and for our bodies to be set free. 24 We were saved in hope. If we see what we hope for, that isn’t hope. Who hopes for what they already see? 25 But if we hope for what we don’t see, we wait for it with patience. Romans 8:22-25, CEB

Okay okay let me rant for a second. This passage makes it very clear that the Bible does not believe in what is now being called “toxic positivity.” If you’re not on Tic Tok, toxic positivity is basically the prosperity gospel re-packed: positive thoughts will lead to positive outcomes. Ignore the negative, embrace the positive, and everything will work out. It is ignorant optimism. By ignorant I mean- toxic positivity is refusing to deal with actual harsh realities that are part of life. Toxic Positivity is Tony Robbins telling everyone on earth that if they believe it they can achieve it. I’m sorry but that is horse shit.

Now- let me nuance myself a bit. This doesn’t mean that positivity can’t help us. It can. It doesn’t mean we shouldn’t apply ourselves, we should. It doesn’t mean we should give ourselves permission not to try. Most people are capable of more than they think are, and learning that requires applying yourself, pushing yourself, maybe a little bit of commitment and discipline and so on. And we can still recognize the God’s honest actual truth: I was never going to play in the NBA no matter how hard I tried. No amount of willpower, positive attitude, or can-do attitude was going to make me even 6-feet tall, let alone 6-3, 6-4, or 6-5. I’m short, I’m slow, I’m uncoordinated, I’m low-energy, the list goes on.

The good news is- hope (biblical hope) has nothing to do with any of this. Hope is not blindly believing that you can manipulate the universe with “good vibes only.” It’s not about creating your “ideal” future by setting an intention and actionable goals. So let’s talk about the passage.

Creation groans and suffers. Why? Because things are not as they should be. There is pain, sadness, unfairness, injustice, and evil. If we could simply get the exact life we want for ourselves by “believing and achieving” then we might say creation is what it should be. It would at least be fair. But this isn’t the case. In fact- the passage suggests that we are kind of trapped in this version of creation…not even truly free.

What saves us? What sets us free?

Well…hope. But hope for what? What kind of hope?

The hope that God will one day transform creation into what it was always meant to be: a place defined by God’s ideal way of life. That way of life is free from judgment, full of mercy, grace, and steadfast love. It’s free from pain and suffering and full of God’s spirit. This doesn’t happen because of our beliefs, or because of the power of positive thinking, it happens because this is what God intends to accomplish. It’s what He’s been working on since the beginning of creation. Creation was always meant to be a place that perfectly embodies God’s love…and God has been (perhaps too slowly, if we could utter a complaint) in the process of transforming creation into that very place from day one.

The work is not yet finished…but it one day will be. That is our hope. That is what inspires us to embody God’s love in the present- to offer the world a taste of what’s to come. More success and more achievement don’t offer us any kind of glimpse into the world God is creating…love is the thing that does that.

And, according to the passage, it’s hard to see that God is doing this. It’s difficult to believe. It requires patience. Unlike the prosperity gospel and the gospel of toxic positivity, scripture suggests that we must exercise patience and endure hardship. Pain and suffering are not things we can simply overcome by making “better” choices. They are things we tolerate while we wait upon the Lord.

Now, if I’ve done my job well, then you’ve totally forgotten about the fact that I started us off by talking about the horizon. But I haven’t forgotten! So why was I talking about all that?

As I was thinking about hope this week- it changed how I looked at this experience with the horizon. Remember- I was disappointed to find out that the horizon was so close when it seemed so far. Finding out the truth robbed me of a bit of joy and wonder. But…could there be a different metaphor we could draw out of this that might help me reverse course?

Here’s what I’ve got in mind. It can seem discouraging to think about trying to find hope in something that seems so far away. To put it differently- the idea that God will one day finish His work on creation might not inspire that much hope. It might seem too distant to have any emotional connection to.

But what if it weren’t so far away? What if it looks like 100’s of miles away but it’s only 3? What if we can make it seem closer based on how we live?

This is the whole point of the “first fruits” talk in this passage after all. The full harvest is not yet here, but it’s starting. The first few fruits of the crop are starting to appear. The first few kernels of popcorn are popping. We don’t have a whole bowl yet, but we know it’s coming.

Except, in this case, the thing that’s coming is more of God’s love. And we can make it seem closer by spreading the love we have received to those around us here, in the present moment. The more love is spread, the more of the “first fruits” we see. In this way, the horizon doesn’t seem so far off. In fact, it just feels like a refining of what we’re already experiencing if we’re grounded in a community that surrounds us with love.

All that to say- hope doesn’t require you to lie to yourself. And it doesn’t require you to pretend like bad things are actually good for you. No, hope is about learning to love and trusting that will be contagious and lead to even more love. More love reminds us that God is on the horizon…and that the horizon is not so far away.

Radical Candor

At Northstar Community, Scott has begun a new series on the 12 principles of AA, as suggested by one of our faithful Northstarians, Fred. Fred has over 2000 days clean and sober, so when Fred makes a suggestion, the community listens to him.

Although just about everyone has heard of the 12-steps and the meetings associated with mutual aid societies like AA, NA and the like (check out Finding Nemo if you are unfamiliar), I'm not sure everyone knows about the 12-principles. The 12 principles are primarily the work of the founders of AA; early on the group had six principles. By 1939 with the publication of the Big Book, they revised their principles, expanding them to reflect their work and its progress. These 12 principles remain the central guiding influence of the work.

The main text of AA, the Big Book, goes step by step through 12 distinct phases, each crucial for achieving recovery. The heavy influence of the Oxford Group early on in its formation, a Christian evangelical movement, is obvious throughout the work. Similarly, the principles are a single virtue that embodies each step.

The 12 principles are as follows: honesty, hope, surrender, courage, integrity, willingness, humility, love, responsibility, discipline, awareness, and service. In this series, we will be working through the 12 principles. The first is honesty.

Scott led the study by facilitating a discussion on honesty in our Sunday morning group. There were tons of comments, mostly having to do with how hard and risky honesty feels, how fundamentally dishonest most of us are, and the tricky navigation of trying to become honest in a world that we believe will use our honesty against us. Of course, there were counterpoints. Fred reminded the group that the honesty of recovery must be rigorous, there can be no excuses or shortcuts. A few tried to sell the group on their inherent honesty - which, of course, no one actually believed, but received with grace and respect.

Our friends were loud and clear on this point, sometimes it is hard to be honest. For example, a young man sits with his family in an intervention and says, "I do not want to go to treatment." That's honest. Maybe the family says back, " Let me be honest with you, it is going to be so hard to bury you." That is not honest, that is manipulation. Now, the family may honestly have those fears. But the young man is alive and there is no guarantee he will die if he does not go to treatment. They are feeling scared and worn out and they want him to go to treatment, but they were not honest, they communicated their anxiety. Instead, the family may sit there quietly, nod with understanding (Because, let's be honest, does anyone ever want to go to treatment?) and say instead, "What would you be willing to do? We think your using is a problem and we are wondering what could be done about that?" And lo and behold, an agreement is reached! Not everyone got what their imagination desired, but progress is made.

Towards the end of our session, it occurred to me that maybe we could make honesty a tiny bit less challenging by becoming people who could receive the honesty of others. However, there is a caveat that must be laid out for all to consider. Honesty is not an excuse to tell people mean things. The leading phrase, "I'm just gonna be honest here..." sends shivers down my spine, because my experience is that when people lead with that phrase, they are often going to say something that hurts feelings. It's almost a threat. If we lead with the old "I'm being honest..." preamble, aren't we really saying that our honesty provides some kind of protection against further engagement? It's like preemptively using a "Get Out of Jail Free" card. How can you be mad at me if "I'm just being honest"?

Honesty, within the context of this conversation, is not a passive aggressive way of telling another what they are doing that irritates us. Honesty is telling the truth about ourselves. For example, I can tell my husband, "I'm just being honest here. I hate how much sports you watch on tv." That is not me being honest, that is me criticizing my husband. He might respond in kind, "Well, honestly, I hate it when you comment on my tv watching habits." Again, this is not a conversation that is actually about honesty, it is his response to my passive aggressive comment.

Or I could say, "I'm not interested in watching sports every night on tv." That's honest and it is about me. The solution rests with me. I can then decide to do countless other activities, in the same room or somewhere else in our home. The issue is not really about him. I am giving him information about me.

Now, he can take that information and respond honestly in return. "Ok," comes to mind as a likely response. Or he could say, "Wow, I did not know that. I thought we were watching sports in companionable silence (except for those times I am yelling at the refs)." That's honest. That gives me information about him.

Together, we may come up with several different adjustments to our evening routine. We might negotiate something along these lines. Monday night is definitely football night and I will gladly watch with him. But we will not watch sports on Tuesday night. Or we will watch tennis on Tuesdays - because we both love watching tennis. Either way, because we've been honest about our own experiences, the conversation can actually be helpful.

Guideline #1 - When practicing honesty, make sure to practice vulnerability too. Make it about your experience, don't weaponize it. And when others are practicing honesty with you, try to be the kind of person that feels safe to share hard things with. Don't make someone regret their moment of vulnerability by being reactive.

Guideline #2 - When practicing honesty, don't allow it to be an excuse for being disrespectful to the person listening to your honest statement. Be thoughtful and careful in your share; make it about you. And when others practice honesty with you, listen, really listen to them. Pause. Consider what they are saying, see where you can find empathy, understanding, and even agreement.

I guess what I am trying to encourage here are a couple of things: don't weaponize "honesty", be brave and more sincere about being honest about yourself, and finally, practice being the kind of person with the stability and character who can hear hard truths from others.

I'm reminded of the relationship Peter had with Jesus. Jesus was honest with Peter; Peter did not know himself well enough to be capable of being honest in return. Jesus rebukes and restores Peter, eventually. But the relationship is messy. Nevertheless, Jesus chooses messy and honest without having to "break up" with Peter. Isn't this what we all need and long for? Aren't we all messy? What I love about Jesus' response to Peter is that he did not relitigate the whole betrayal debacle. Instead, he asked him, three times, "Peter, do you love me?" Such an honest question!

Perhaps our troubles around honesty have more to do with confusion about what we need to be honest about. Peter was more than his denial, he was also a disciple. Jesus reminded him of who he truly was without requiring a pound of Peter's flesh because Peter proved himself to be human. I wish for us all in this new year the courage and faith to remind each other of who we are - we are not the bad thing. We are not the worst thing we have ever done.

What life are the 12 steps calling you towards?

Step 12: Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

17 So I’m telling you this, and I insist on it in the Lord: you shouldn’t live your life like the Gentiles anymore. They base their lives on pointless thinking, 18 and they are in the dark in their reasoning. They are disconnected from God’s life because of their ignorance and their closed hearts. 19 They are people who lack all sense of right and wrong, and who have turned themselves over to doing whatever feels good and to practicing every sort of corruption along with greed.

20 But you didn’t learn that sort of thing from Christ. 21 Since you really listened to him and you were taught how the truth is in Jesus, 22 change the former way of life that was part of the person you once were, corrupted by deceitful desires. 23 Instead, renew the thinking in your mind by the Spirit 24 and clothe yourself with the new person created according to God’s image in justice and true holiness.

Ephesians 4:17-24, CEB

Seeing as this is part II of our convo on Step 12, I’m going to focus on the latter part: …and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

As I’m writing this, I’m remembering prior conversations we’ve had in our community on Step 12. I can remember people expressing discouragement at the prospect of practicing these principles in every aspect of life. It’s a bit overwhelming. I wonder if it would be so overwhelming if we shifted our focus a bit. 

When we talk about trying to apply principles to various areas of our lives we start to think about performing or behaving. Our fear says something like: I won’t be able to behave the way I’m supposed to in all aspects of my life. That’s too much. 

Part of the reason this feels so overwhelming is because it’s a totally unfocused way of approaching change and growth. If somebody asked me, “What should I work on?” And I answered, “Only everything,” then what kinds of changes might we expect to see? There’s really no way to answer that question- but I would seriously doubt we would see any change at all. When we say “everything” we may as well say “nothing.” Again, because it’s discouraging and overwhelming, like drinking out of a fire hose. 

In light of that- I want to make a recommendation. Let’s focus less on how we should perform the principles of the 12 steps and more on using the 12 steps as a means to become the kind of people we want to be in the world, trusting that becoming a certain kind of people will naturally lead us to practicing our principles in the ways we’re called to. In other words, don’t think about all the places you need to apply the principles. Think about who the 12 steps are calling you to be and let the life you live take care of itself. 

Now, that may help solve the problem of overwhelm, but it doesn’t necessarily solve the problem of focus because we also need to ask ourselves, “But who are the 12 steps calling me to be?” There may be an infinite number of answers to that question…but we at least have some guidelines to operate within. 

Here’s a few ideas:

• We are called to be humble and acknowledge that the universe does not revolve around us.

• We’re called to recognize the importance of asking for help and placing trust in the people (and God) who offer it.

• We acknowledge mistakes and character defects and work to compensate for them (and we continue to do so over and over).

• We strive to deepen our spirituality and to find ways to be a light for others who are living in darkness. 

I am of course selectively summarizing some of the key ideas in the steps and undoubtedly missed some things…but…here’s where we may find our focus, our guidance, our northstar, the thing(s) we want to prioritize in order to move closer to the people we want to be. 

So…I’ll close with a string of overwhelming questions…which of these things stands out to you? Who do you feel called to be? Which of these things do you think would get you closer to that person…and how might you focus 5% more of your energy into doing it?

Spiritual awakening creates better communities

Step 12: Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

When it comes to Step 12, the clearest paths for conversation are: having a spiritual awakening, carrying this message to others, and practicing these principles in all of our affairs. Today we’re going to focus on the first two of those (more or less). 

I’ll give you the gist of this entire blog in a sentence: a spiritual awakening pulls us towards love of others. 

It shouldn’t shock you that I’m saying this, it’s a theme I return to over and over. Spiritual awakenings are not about feeling better about ourselves or feeling better about our relationship to God or feeling calmer or feeling more peaceful. Those things may happen, they may be benefits. But they are not the “end game” when it comes to spiritual awakening. The end game is becoming the kind of person who can be of service to others. Actually- I prefer slightly different language- being the kind of person who can love others. Loving others may look different depending on circumstances. In fact, Romans 12 gives us a few examples. 

2 Don’t be conformed to the patterns of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your minds so that you can figure out what God’s will is—what is good and pleasing and mature.

3 Because of the grace that God gave me, I can say to each one of you: don’t think of yourself more highly than you ought to think. Instead, be reasonable since God has measured out a portion of faith to each one of you. 4 We have many parts in one body, but the parts don’t all have the same function. 5 In the same way, though there are many of us, we are one body in Christ, and individually we belong to each other. 6 We have different gifts that are consistent with God’s grace that has been given to us. If your gift is prophecy, you should prophesy in proportion to your faith. 7 If your gift is service, devote yourself to serving. If your gift is teaching, devote yourself to teaching.8 If your gift is encouragement, devote yourself to encouraging. The one giving should do it with no strings attached. The leader should lead with passion. The one showing mercy should be cheerful.

9 Love should be shown without pretending. Hate evil, and hold on to what is good. 10 Love each other like the members of your family. Be the best at showing honor to each other. 11 Don’t hesitate to be enthusiastic—be on fire in the Spirit as you serve the Lord! 12 Be happy in your hope, stand your ground when you’re in trouble, and devote yourselves to prayer. 13 Contribute to the needs of God’s people, and welcome strangers into your home. 14 Bless people who harass you—bless and don’t curse them. 15 Be happy with those who are happy, and cry with those who are crying. 16 Consider everyone as equal, and don’t think that you’re better than anyone else. Instead, associate with people who have no status. Don’t think that you’re so smart. 17 Don’t pay back anyone for their evil actions with evil actions, but show respect for what everyone else believes is good.

18 If possible, to the best of your ability, live at peace with all people.

~ Romans 12:2-18, CEB

That’s really long- and I’m sorry. I’ll write a bit less to make up for it. I’ll be super concise and clear. Here goes. Buckle your seat belt. Starting now. Actually now.

Verse 2 instructs us to ground ourselves in the ways of God (think about spiritual disciplines here) so that our minds (the way we perceive the world) are transformed for the better. As a result of that transformation (spiritual awakening), we live different kinds of lives as it relates to others. Here’s what those transformed lives look like:

• They are based in love. So, don’t be self-aggrandizing (easier said that done). Instead, recognize that everyone has a gift or set of gifts and no one has all the gifts and we’re all just contributing to the group and every role is important.While you’re at it, don’t stand out above the group. 

• This kind of love we’re called to is also genuine which in this context mean being honest about the nature of good and evil, but it also means supporting others wherever they are. If they’re happy, don’t drag them down. If they’re sad, don’t drag them up.

• And while we’re at it- give up on the notion of revenge. Remember the old proverb (not from the Bible): He who seeks revenge digs two graves (aka, one for them and one for you). Revenge doesn’t solve problems, it just makes us worse versions of ourselves. 

Alright. That’s our list. Those are our marching orders. You can stop reading here if you want. But if you’ve got a little attention left in your span, here’s something else for free. 

One thing that is generally true in life is that the more positive our focus is, the better off we’re going to feel. I’m not saying that just being positive is going to cure all of our problems. I’m saying that living in accordance with our values, surrounding ourselves with other people who encourage us, and things like this, are going to give us the best chance at feeling like we’re thriving.

And so, I want to draw particular attention to this part about not being petty and not seeking revenge. It’s quite common to carry around a lot of resentments because of what happened before recovery (or just because life often seems like an endless supply of opportunities to hold grudges). It’s also common to develop a lot of resentments while you’re in recovery. Sharing in the rooms is very vulnerable and any time we’re vulnerable- we’re at risk of having our feelings hurt. Given that, if you’re here for recommendations, here are my recommendations.

Don’t dig two graves. Channel that energy. Harness it. Put it into something more productive. Invest in the relationships that are encouraging. Or let it focus you more intently on whatever it is you’re working on. But- the point is- try to find ways to distract yourself from your grievances.

And you can do this through living just how this passage suggests. By focusing on the good of an entire group. By celebrating and suffering with others. By playing your role. These are all things that you could start doing today, if you wanted. It might even be good for you.

So, I’ll leave this work up to you, but I do really want to know…If you were going to work on this, where would you get started?