To love God, you must first love another…

Step 11: We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

Last week we talked about the fact that there are multiple possible pathways available to us to get closer to God (i.e., improve conscious contact). The one I didn’t spend much time on, because I knew I’d come back to it this week, is the fact that we can improve conscious contact with God through our relationships with other humans. Now, this is not necessarily part of step 11. I’m just using step 11 as a jumping off point to talk about something I personally care about. And that’s okay, right? There’s no rules here.

So let me just make a fairly tangential point: We can come to understand God through human relationships. The passage below indicates the vast importance of human relationships and how being out of sorts in these relationships has drastic spiritual implications…such that we would need to abandon worship in order to make things right.

Therefore, if you bring your gift to the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, 24 leave your gift at the altar and go. First make things right with your brother or sister and then come back and offer your gift.

Matthew 5:23-24, CEB

Now- I always thought of worship as a holy and sacred act. And I’m not saying that’s wrong. In fact, it’s crucial that we think of worship as holy and sacred. Or to think of God as holy and sacred and therefore worthy of worship. In thinking of God, and the worship of God, as holy and sacred, I also assumed that nothing should ever interfere with it…or else. “Or else what?” I’m not sure…but it just feels like it would be bad to interrupt worship to go do literally anything else.

Except for the fact that we have Matthew 5:23-24. In this passage we find out that there are things more important than worship, including making sure that we’re handling issues of forgiveness, conflict, and/or resentment in our relationships. Being at odds with other people compromises our ability to worship and resolving those conflicts takes priority over completing worship.

This is just how important human-to-human relationships are. If they’re disrupted, our relationship with God is disrupted (not permanently, not irreparably, but temporarily).

I’ve listened to so many talks about the importance of personal, individual spirituality. Talks where spirituality is solely about having your own private practices that you do to engage God. And these practices are good enough.

Except that they aren’t. Your private spiritual practices are less important than prioritizing your human relationships (this doesn’t mean they are not important, it’s just that the status of our relationships is that important). Because if your human relationships are out of sorts, your private worship practices aren’t going to compensate for that. In fact, we’re taught to interrupt them in order to go make things right with others.

Of course- this is being a bit black and white. Practically speaking we can’t leave every Sunday morning when we remember some “wrong” we need to make “right.” It’s obviously not that easy to just “right” our “wrongs.” And we can’t always get others to engage in our acts of reconciliation. I get all of this and it’s important that you get it too. My point with all this is not to make you ashamed of your relationships where things aren’t 100% positive. No relationship meets that standard. My relationships are certainly not all 100% positive. And I’m not interrupting my own sermons to go talk to every single person that I have some issue with or vice versa.

My point is simply this: Human relationships are so important they’re worth interrupting worship to attend to. Problems in our human relationships can create problems in our relationship to/with God. And surely the opposite is likely true: relationships that mirror the love of God likely strengthen or deepen our spirituality as a whole.

So, don’t let yourself off the hook. Don’t downplay the importance of modeling the love of God in your human relationships. And don’t make the mistake of thinking that private acts of worship will cover your struggles to mirror the love of God to people. In fact, if you’re looking to deepen your relationship with God, I’d start by finding a way to love another.

Improving conscious contact with God…and yourself

Step 11: We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

Last week we talked about the importance of viewing recovery as a process without end. We commit to a process that we never stop committing to. It’s an ongoing refining process. Step 11 hints at something similar: we try to inch closer and closer to contact with our higher power (God of our understanding, what have you). Specifically we’re told that improving conscious contact is the product of prayer and meditation. This is undoubtedly true. I’m also nearly certain it’s an incomplete list…if we’re talking about how one gets closer to God.

I mean…I suppose I should try to make a list…I’m going to withhold a few things though because I will be coming back to this topic next week. But…wonder and awe are things that come to mind. Stereotypically we think of getting in touch with wonder and awe through nature. I’m sure there are other ways. Human relationships are themselves another way to engage and deepen our relationship with God (I’ll say more on this next week). Time for reflection, time for solitude and silence. Time with scripture or other spiritual writing. These kinds of spiritual disciplines surely make a contribution.

Are there other things? Sure, of course. Make your own list! Improving conscious contact with God can be a highly personal process, if you want it to be. If you’re formally working the steps with a sponsor you may hear something different but, for our purposes, we can be flexible and expand some definitions.

Step 11 then tells us exactly what to pray for: knowledge of God’s will and the power to carry it out. I can’t imagine that it’s important that we limit ourselves to this kind of prayer, but it’s an important type of prayer. And it gets pretty close to these verses in Proverbs.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart;

don’t rely on your own intelligence.

Know him in all your paths,

and he will keep your ways straight.

~ Proverbs 3:5-6, CEB

We’ve got this idea here about trusting in God’s wisdom and trying to follow the path he lays out before you. Same kind of idea to praying for knowledge of his will and the power to carry it out.

Now-let me throw a wrench in the works- I personally think it’s important to learn to trust your own wisdom and your own gut and I believe God can work through these impulses that we have. It seems as if these verses encourage us to be skeptical of ourselves, but I don’t think that’s exactly what they’re suggesting. I believe we can find a way to look at this passage that teaches us both to place our trust in the Lord while simultaneously learning to trust ourselves: and that is through using our spiritual disciplines to make sure that we’re formed.

When I say formed, I mean grounding ourselves  in God’s wisdom such that it becomes intuitive, becomes integral to who we are. Using spiritual disciplines to ground ourselves in the wisdom of God increases our ability to trust ourselves and our instincts as God begins to give us more and more godly wisdom of our own.

Conscious contact creates a kind of unity between God’s way of seeing and our way of seeing. Our “old” way quiets down as the “new” way ramps up.

For my part, I don’t care what you do so long as you find a practice that feels sustaining and life-giving (and not like torture). Something you can do habitually over time and continue to trust the process as it slowly unfolds.

So, I’ll close with a question…what spiritual disciplines have you practiced that you find life-giving and sustaining?

Self-improvement expands the reach of God’s love

Step 10: We continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

I’ve seen plenty of people get tired of living a recovery lifestyle, and it’s not hard to understand why. There’s a few different things at play here. On the one hand, it makes total sense that some people don’t want to be defined by their substance use disorder their entire lives and, when they’re stable enough, no longer put recovery at the center of their lives. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Some people can do that and be totally fine and we all get to choose what we prioritize in our lives.

Others find themselves exhausted with the never-ending nature of self-improvement. This, too, is a totally legitimate frustration. It’s discouraging to think that no matter how much we do, or for how long, we’re never quite there. I don’t really have a solution for this particular problem either. People aren’t their best selves when they're discouraged and feeling hopeless (or simply lack hope) about their progress.

For me, there is tension here. I admire the 12 steps commitment to a process. The end goal (becoming a certain type of person) isn’t as important as continuing to try to move towards becoming the kind of person we aspire to be. This is a hard thing to dedicate ourselves to over time because it would really be nice to have a clear destination.

Perhaps there are little destinations on the way. Perhaps sobriety anniversaries are little destinations. Actually- no- they’re big destinations. They’re certainly huge accomplishments and milestones. And then we’re told to continue to take a personal inventory and that the process is ongoing. This could be discouraging, in a way. But it doesn’t have to be.

I’ll invoke spirituality here for a second. This isn’t a part of the 12 steps, but it is a part of our way of seeing at NSC. God’s work in our lives is ongoing. He is shaping all of creation into the best possible version of itself, including people. That process takes quite a bit of time and will likely extend long after each of us is gone. It’s in our best interests then to commit to a process of being transformed slowly over time rather than to think of our work as becoming “perfect.” As many have said, the process is the destination. And, if we can commit to the beauty of a process, then we can relax knowing that ultimately it is God’s work to perfect us and that we don’t need to be anywhere other than where we are.

Another way to say this would be something like: It’s okay to be right where you are. I don’t mean that in a half-hearted way either, as if it’s only okay to be right where you are for now but we need to see progress or we’re moving on. No, I mean it wholeheartedly. Like this: Nothing about you needs to change in order for God to fully love you.

That’s a hard message to sit with, embrace, accept, internalize. For some of you, the work is probably to stop right here and read no further. That might be all the message you need.

I don’t want to stop there, though. Because, for me, and I’ll just keep this part with myself, I view it as a sign of hope to continue working on myself even as God works on me. I view it as a call, even. Not because I need to get straightened out in order to be love but because it’s courageous and hopeful to believe that God’s creation can be redeemed and restored and that I can participate in that. Again, for me, that participation looks like trying to commit to the process of living a life according to God’s values so that I become a more and more accurate reflection of God’s love to the world around me. In the process, I am trusting that this somehow contributes to the work God is doing in His creation.

In preparation for this post, I read a reflection on step 10 from Dale and Juanita Ryan where they quoted these verses:

23 Those who hear but don’t do the word are like those who look at their faces in a mirror. 24 They look at themselves, walk away, and immediately forget what they were like.

James 1:23-24, CEB

I believe these words dovetail nicely with the idea of allowing ourselves to be a work in progress, but they also add an element: diligence. The process of becoming requires a continued self-examination over time. It requires us to continue to be honest with ourselves. To look inside and see what’s really there and to both accept it and deal with it. As opposed to looking at ourselves, seeing what’s there, and walking away because we refuse to believe that more is possible.

That’s ultimately what’s going on here. If we look at our faces in the mirror and walk away and forget what we look like, it’s not because we’re complacent or bad or wrong. It’s because we lost the hope and confidence that more is possible for us if we stick to the path.

Continuing to take a personal inventory over time is a long game. It is the product of looking inside ourselves, being proactive, and owning whatever it is we see. We can do this because we know that doing it is what sets us free.

Our fear is what tells us that it’s too tiring to keep going, and it convinces us that there is no point in continuing on in the process if there isn’t a definite end game. Our fear is also what tells us that owning the darker parts of ourselves is dangerous. That it will trap us or cause problems in relationships or whatever. But, the thing is, it’s okay to have problems in our relationships. It is truly a long game we’re playing. Withholding the truth might postpone problems but it won’t eliminate them.

Maturity is recognizing that dealing with problems head on increases intimacy and ultimately makes our lives richer. And so this process is not just about self-improvement for self-improvement’s sake. It’s about the impact growth has on the people and world around us. Given that, we can’t afford to give up. We can’t afford to let our exhaustion overwhelm us. It’s not just about us- it’s about the possible impact we can have through allowing God to continue to shape us in His image.

I suppose my question is this: Can you muster the courage to keep going even when it’s hard and exhausting and your fear tells you there is no point? Because I’m here to tell you that there is a point: continuing to self-examine and grow makes us more refined reflectors of the love of God. It literally expands the reach of God’s love from ourselves to those around us. And furthering the love of God, no matter how small each individual contribution is, is our call. And it’s well within your reach.

A Guide for Making Amends.

Step 9: We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others

Last week we talked about the importance of embracing our own forgiven-ness (i.e., the fact that God desires to offer forgiveness and does it freely). Let me take a second to connect our conversation last week to this week’s. I wasn’t very practical last week- so I’m going to be extra practical this week.

It’s my belief that our awareness of our own forgiven-ness does quite a lot for us. It opens us up. It makes us more empathetic. It makes us less defensive. This is because if we’re truly in touch with the fact that we’re accepted and loved by our creator, then the amount of striving we have to do for human acceptance and approval is decreased.

This sets the stage for making amends. It’s my thought that a good amends starts with acceptance- our acceptance of the reality that we don’t know how it’s going to go, how it’s going to turn out. Accepting the fact that it might go quite badly…and we’ll still be okay. A solid amends begins with the knowledge that we are now living the way we’d like to and, in the long run, that’s going to pay off.

Therefore, as God’s choice, holy and loved, put on compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Be tolerant with each other and, if someone has a complaint against anyone, forgive each other. As the Lord forgave you, so also forgive each other. And over all these things put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity.

~Colossians 3:12-14, CEB

All of this happens under the banner of something like the passage from Colossians 3. We strive to recognize that we’re both holy (set apart for the purpose of revealing God through our lives) and loved. We embody (or practice embodying) compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. We strive to throw forgiveness around like a rag doll. For the purpose of a conversation on offering amends, it’s not so much our goal to talk about offering forgiveness, but it’s also my thought that if we try to contribute to creating an atmosphere of forgiveness around us then everything about both giving and receiving forgiveness gets easier.

Now- what about the amends itself?

The most important thing is that making amends is not about you and how far you’ve come. The biggest (potential) mistake is spending the whole time talking about yourself and how much you’ve changed. While change is good, the process of making amends needs to be about the other person.

So, take time to explore the other person’s thoughts and concerns. I wonder what it would feel like to begin making amends with an invitation: I’m here to talk about how my use impacted you, but before I do that I’m wondering if you’d like to share with me your perspective on this.

Imagine walking into this conversation without a plan, and letting the other person guide you. This way you don’t have to guess at what they want you to make amends over. You just ask! Then you let them talk. You don’t defend yourself, you don’t argue over the facts, and you don’t correct them (You’re forgiven, you’re accepted, you’re loved. You do not need to defend yourself). When they’re finished, you might try something like: This really clarifies for me some of the ways in which I’ve caused harm. I am really sorry. I do not want to cause you pain and, in fact, I’d like to try to make things right. What’s the best way for me to do that?

This is just one example of something you might say. Some people react very strongly to the phrase I am sorry and suggest you not use it. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with an apology and, in fact, I think apologies tend to feel quite nice to receive when they’re genuine. The important thing to remember is that making amends is not complete without an offer to try to compensate for harm we’ve caused (i.e. How can I make things better?).

Some people will react poorly no matter what you do. This is because some people will be stuck in hurt and resentment and they will not be open to a new phase of relationship. Our work here is acceptance and relying on the knowledge that we’re doing the best we can. Some people will react well no matter what you do. This is because they just want to see you thrive and are less concerned with rehashing the past. Our work here is to remember that, even though some people are naturally gracious, it doesn’t let us off the hook. We need to continue our recovery journey regardless.

We have different kinds of readers of this blog. Some of you are likely considering the process of making amends (either for the first time or revisiting it). Some of you are dealing with resentment. These are two sides of a coin. Regardless of which side you’re on, you’re both going to experience, at some point, the need to make amends and a request for forgiveness. That’s just life. No matter which end of the spectrum you’re on- it’s important for us all to remember the call listed above in Colossians: Humility, gentleness, patience, tolerance, forgiveness, and love. If we do these things, we live out our faith. If we do these things, we reflect the image of God. If we do these things, we are doing the very will of God. Nothing more is required. But also nothing less.

Spreading forgiveness around like butter

Step 9: We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others

There is plenty to talk about when it comes to step 9 and making amends and exercising discernment in that process and so on. But- I’m going to break the rules this week. I’m not going to talk about step 9 directly. I’m going to talk about forgiveness. Specifically, I’m going to talk about forgiveness given by God to humans.

I was always taught, perhaps it was different for you, that forgiveness was the answer to a math problem. Just like a+b=c, confession+belief=forgiveness. I wasn’t even taught that forgiveness was similar to a formula, I was taught that achieving forgiveness was literally the product of a formula (not by my parents, for the record, we can give Pete and Teresa a break).

I mean on the one hand- this is lovely. I know exactly what needs to be done in order to receive forgiveness and I can do it any time I want.

But…I found over time I didn’t ask for forgiveness any time I wanted. Why?

Asking why is kind of dumb, I suppose. Humans rarely know why they do things- though we can make plenty of stuff up that either resonates or makes good sense. But, in this case, I think I have an idea. I was still afraid that it wouldn’t be given. I felt myself someone plagued by the question: what if the formula doesn’t work?

Why wouldn’t a formula work? It’s a formula. Formulas work. That’s what they do. Well- yes- logically that makes sense. But emotionally it doesn’t. Because in order for forgiveness to be given God still has to decide to give it in response to my confession. It seemed to me like there was a little gap in the formula. Like maybe forgiveness didn’t happen instantly upon asking but might happen if God deemed the request worthy or genuine or something like this.

When we go to a website to buy something they say, “Give us your email and you’ll get a discount code.” You put in your email, then you check your email, BOOM: a coupon to take a whopping 5% off your next order over $500. It’s automatic. But it seemed to me that, despite the formula, forgiveness wouldn’t be automatic because God still has to extend the forgiveness manually.

Now- this is my emotional reaction to the formula mind you- I don’t know if it’s rooted in fact. But as I critique it from where I sit today, I think this makes good sense. And- I want God’s forgiveness to be personal. I want him to grant me forgiveness because he wants to give it to me- not because an automatic sequence has been triggered by a confession and forgiveness gets dispensed out of the god-machine. But…maybe it does work that way? Who’s to say really.

Perhaps an easy way to try to untangle some of this mess is to see if there actually is, biblically, another way that God works. Spoiler alert: there is.

Remember these things, O Jacob.

Take it seriously, Israel, that you’re my servant.

I made you, shaped you: You’re my servant.

O Israel, I’ll never forget you.

I’ve wiped the slate of all your wrongdoings.

There’s nothing left of your sins.

Come back to me, come back.

I’ve redeemed you.

~ Isaiah 44:21-22, MSG

Alright it’s probably not super clear how this passage illustrates a different kind of forgiveness. This is one of the rare passages where the English doesn’t translate super well. In the last few lines, what God is essentially saying to his people is: it’s time to change your lives and come back to me because I have forgiven you. Forgiveness has gone before any kind of repentance or confession. God decided on his own volition to forgive and restore his people and believes that, through offering forgiveness freely, this also frees up his people to respond to it.

Have you ever been taught that? Have you ever been taught that sometimes forgiveness goes before any kind of repentance or confession? Not sure if that matters that much, but when I was taught this in seminary it blew my mind.

God’s forgiveness can take many forms and it can happen in a wide variety of ways. It’s important to understand that this is not a new formula, and not always the way God works, but it is a way God works.

And it’s quite beautiful. I think of the people I’ve known and talked to through the years who are in recovery and who struggle to believe that they could be loved or accepted no matter how “good” they are moving forward. To these people I say, here’s a God who forgives by saying, “Everything is already okay between us. Where do you want to go from here?”

Maybe looking at this kind of forgiveness helps us sidestep the trap of trying to earn it or spending time doubting whether or not God will actually follow through on offering it.

I am not sure what kind of takeaway to offer here related to step 9. Here’s a thought, take it or leave it as you see fit. For starters- maybe we can all learn to try to lead with a bit more forgiveness in following God’s example. To live forgiving kinds of lives. Offering it when and where we can, refusing to wait for permission or requests. If we do that- maybe it becomes a bit less scary for others to ask for forgiveness or make amends. Maybe when we need it- it’ll be a little less scary for us. Either way, the quicker we are to forgive and to make amends the better off we’ll all be.