When we hide, we limit our opportunity for growth

While on our annual family vacation my husband lost his favorite blue shirt. In our search we discovered a large diamond encrusted ring under the bed. The centerpiece gemstone was gorgeous, purple at first glance but when carried outside it morphed into a beautiful brilliant green - perfect for accessorizing during the Christmas holiday season.

WHAT?!?

What was I thinking? This was hot and humid August and Christmas was a long way off. And, lest we overlook this key piece of information - it wasn’t my ring to use as an accessory. Period. Someone lost this large gaudy display of bedazzlement; I just happened to be the first person to peer under that particular bed.

I did not want to give it back.

“Finders keepers losers weepers,” came to mind. Following this mature mantra I began to rationalize. If someone really loved this ring, then they should have been more responsible with it. After I finished fantasizing about the bling, I did the responsible thing and contacted the resort’s lost and found department. I did the honest thing. I behaved responsibly.

But the truth is - I wanted that dang ring.

I admitted this to God, to myself, my husband, my children and even my recovery church community. Eventually. Why did I do that? I think the root of this habit of confession grew deep into my daily living as a result of working the 12 steps. In the Fifth Step (We admitted to God, to ourselves and another human, the exact nature of our wrongs), conveniently following our Fourth Step inventory, we are taught how to come clean. This requires more than just honesty. It asks us to tell the truth.

In the Big Book of AA it says, “This is perhaps difficult - especially discussing our defects with another person. We think we have done well enough in admitting these things to ourselves [in the Fourth Step]. There is doubt about that. In actual practice, we usually find a solitary self-appraisal insufficient. Many of us thought it necessary to go much further. We will be more reconciled to discussing ourselves with another person when we see good reasons why we should do so. The best reason first: If we skip this vital step, we may not overcome drinking. Time after time newcomers have tried to keep to themselves certain facts about their lives….They took inventory all right, but hung onto some of the worst items in stock.”1

The Big Book warns us that there is a distinction between honesty and truth; it matters.

1 Alcoholics Anonymous, The Story of How Many Thousands of Men and Women Have Recovered from Alcoholism, Third Edition, 1976, pp. 72-73.