How shame can help (sometimes)
Shame can be good.
That doesn’t sound true, does it? Honestly, shame is a miserable experience. What good can possibly come from shame? Here are some examples of the gift of shame:
● “When I sobered up in the jail cell after my DUI, I felt so ashamed I thought it would kill me. My own parents lost their parental rights because of their drug use. I could NOT leave my children to experience the same kind of loss. When I was released, I went straight into treatment. Sure, it required me to leave my kids for awhile. But I knew that it was the only way to become a parent they could count on.”
● “I was doing okay. But when people I knew from high school saw me at my job, I felt embarrassed. I just knew that I was ashamed of myself for not completing my degree, then just getting by with a job I hated. Ultimately, it was easier to go back to school then it was to live with the aching feeling in the pit of my stomach that I was not living the life that I wanted for myself.”
● “I cannot remember a time when I wasn’t plagued with shame. When I would come home from school anxious and feeling inadequate, my mom would give me cookies and coke. I continued the coping strategy until I ate all the time. Finally, I realized that I was stuffing my feelings by numbing myself with food. I could not keep going like this, so I got help for my disordered eating and my inability to manage my feelings in a healthy way.”
Too much shame can trap us in unhealthy patterns of dealing with our despair. Too little shame and we are less likely to recognize and seek help for our issues. Helpful shame is a feeling that is temporary AND motivating. It awakens us to the reality that we need to attend to an issue that is hurting our capacity to thrive. Shame can be like a good friend who is willing to tell you that you have a blueberry stuck between your two front teeth right before you go on stage to deliver a speech to thousands.
Is your shame trying to teach you something?
