You can pile on or you can de-escalate...it's your choice.

Suppose you and your partner are going through one of those busy times in life, with a bunch of stressors and a lack of time to decompress. You want to talk about it and invite your partner to turn toward you, lean into the stress together and rekindle that spark of intimacy that both of you value. You realize that both of you are numbing out at night. You watch too much mindless tv; your partner falls into the wormhole of social media and games.


Option 1: You say, “Hey, we have really been stressed out lately, what with mom’s hospitalization, me getting adjusted to a new job, and whatnot. I realize that I have been checking out at night as a way to cope, but this is not what I want to keep doing. I miss you and I want to reconnect. Can we talk about how we can change something to give us more quality time together?”


Option 2: You say, “Hey, we have really been stressed out lately, what with mom’s hospitalization, me getting adjusted to a new job, and whatnot. I feel like we are disconnected and this is stressing me out more. You spend all your time staring into your phone. You have not been there for me. I am lonely and I do not think you even care about my needs.”


CHALLENGE: What do you observe about these two different ways of discussing the problem? What works? What might cause more harm than good? Can you think of a conversation where you sounded like Option 1? Option 2? Focus on you! Why might your partner decode a completely different message based on the conversations above?