Find ways to tell the people who matter to you that they matter to you

Let’s back up for a minute. Regardless of the tips and tactics for better listening, we need to wrestle with our intentions. I have a friend who is constantly disappointed by her children’s reactions to her well-intended reach outs. Her kids find her...intrusive? She finds them...avoidant.


Note from the editor (Scott): Sorry for the delay in getting these posts out over the past few days. It was my fault!

Feelings are hurt on both sides. Sometimes new techniques are not enough because the problem is bigger than the way we share or receive a conversation. If people tend to back up from you when you wish they would lean in, or if you feel like people are up in your grill and you wish they would back up just a titch, there are some foundational loving principles that would be awesome if we could all live by them. In loving relationships, these foundational truths matter:


* You matter to me.
* I want to understand what you mean.
* I am willing to take the time to listen longer and suspend my own rush to judgment of what I think you are saying.
* What you say and mean matters to me.
* Because I love you, I care as much about your preferences as my own.
* We are NOT responsible for each others’ happiness, but we can contribute to each others’ wellbeing.
* Boundaries are healthy, not insulting. I respect both mine and others’ boundaries.


CHALLENGE: I know that we all THINK we care about the people we love, but it is time to up our self-awareness. What is motivating us to pursue or detach from a particular relationship? Are we too needy? Insecure? Selfish? Do we lack grace and a willingness to sacrifice for others?