Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.
~Will Rogers

Curious listening can be done without a word. But for those of us who are struggling to listen at all - shutting up may be a bridge too far. Maybe start by changing your responding. Using open questions, rather than closed ones is a great start.

Closed questions are great for fact gathering or simple questions like - do you want cream in your coffee? But to really hear another person, we need to find a way to listen without throwing up unintentional roadblocks.

A mom and her daughter popped in one day to ask us some questions. We did not know them, but they had heard that our community supported recovery and they worried that they needed more resources. It was an hour of complete frustration.

Every time the daughter tried to share, the mom jumped in to amplify, correct, defend herself or passively accuse her daughter. It was hard to make progress in creating an environment of mutual respect and effective listening. Finally I had enough. Each was put on a timer and given 3 minutes to speak, alternating between the two of them. I pulled out a handout and asked them to start over, using only these questions to converse with one another. They were allowed only one question for follow up. If they wanted to follow up, I suggested they pause to ask the question they really valued.

* What was that like for you?
* What’s troubling you?
* What do YOU want to change?

Instantly the room was filled with peace. Quiet fell. There were pauses between sound bites. It got immediately harder to attack and defend and parlay. We got farther in 15 minutes then we had in the previous 45. By the end, they were hugging it out and expressing love for one another. Insights emerged.

CHALLENGE: The next time you are having a conversation with someone, try sticking to one open-ended follow up question. Try to remember that the only goal you need to have is to listen and learn. You can find fault and defend yourself later!!!